Live to Regret
by TamSibling
Summary: M Rating: Chapter 10. Lee:Kara. AU Season 2 after Home. Choices Lee and Kara made before the end of the worlds come back to haunt them. Multichapter fic.
1. Chapter 1

Live to Regret – Chapter 1

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Rating: T (PG-13)

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Disclaimers: They're not mine, I just like to play.

Spoilers: Set after Home, AU Season 2

Summary: Choices that Lee and Kara both made before the end of the world come back to haunt them.

Beta: Kaynara didn't actually read the story for punctuation, spelling and all that, but she and I talked ad nauseam about the plot and how to make it work. I owe her much thanks and gratitude for listening to my ramblings.

A/N: This is my longest BSG fic to date at just over 80 pages. I hope you like it. Please leave me a comment whether you do or not. Constructive criticism makes me a better writer.

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Kara knows her body. She's an athlete and a Viper pilot and both traits require her body to work at an optimal capacity. She knows when something's wrong and when something's right and she sure as hell knows something is off at the moment.

She's late.

Just the thought sends her heart racing and Kara forces herself to breathe, in and out, before she has a full blown panic attack and ends up hyperventilating. There are any number of reasons she could be late - and they don't all end up with her pregnant.

Pregnant - it's not possible. It can't be possible, because if it is she has two choices of a father and neither is all that appealing. One is Sam and while Kara doesn't want to think she came back from Caprica carrying the child of a one-night stand, it's preferable to being pregnant with a Cylon hybrid. She still isn't certain what they did to her in that hospital, but the suspicious scar right near her ovary is enough to have her panicked.

Throwing her arm across her eyes, Kara lets out another heavy sigh. The warning alarm sounds, telling her that missed period or no she's going to have to drag her sorry ass out of this bed and get back in her plane. She doesn't want to. The last thing Kara wants to do right now is face the world.

She just wants her damn period to come.

"You all right?"

Jerking at the unexpected voice, Kara blinks at Lee once, twice and then finally sighs. "Fine."

He frowns and Kara can see the wheels turning behind his eyes. He's been a lot more patient with her in the past few weeks, ever since their sojourn to Kobol and the kiss that preceded it. She's glad for the camaraderie, but confused by it as well. She doesn't need to frak up the last good thing in her life by reading too much into her friendship with Lee. Plus, there's still the promise she made to Sam and while Kara doesn't want to break her word, returning to find Lee so ready and willing to once again be her friend has made lessened the urgency she initially felt. She feels awful about that as well.

Rolling her head away, she covers her eyes again and prays he'll leave. As the bed shifts, she realizes the Gods are still not answering her prayers. Mother frakkers.

"What's wrong?"

"I'm just tired." Her voice is muffled and she doesn't want to face him.

"You could tell me, you know."

Is he actually hurt? Kara hears the strained note to his voice and has to roll over to meet his gaze for confirmation. He is; what the frak?

"Lee, it's nothing, okay? I'm just not - not feeling all that well."

"You want me to reschedule your CAP?"

"I certainly do not." As if to prove her point, Kara pushes past him and rises quickly, flouncing towards her locker in a huff. With a loud sigh of irritation, she pulls the door open, ignoring the groans and grumbles of her bunk mates.

Reaching past her clothes, she grabs her shower bag, towel, and what she hopes are clean undies and slams the door shut. "I'll see you on the flight deck, _Captain_," she bites out, glaring at him as she stalks from the room.

That condescending son of a ... Kara can't bring herself to curse Caroline's memory, not when the woman was almost her mother-in-law, so she swallows the rest of it and slams into the head. Glowering at the few others in the room, she finds a stall at the back and steps inside, stripping out of her clothes and throwing them over the door and onto the floor before turning on the water and letting it get hot.

As she dips her head beneath the steady stream, she feels a bit of the tension leave her body. It's not as if being a few days late is such a big deal. Hell, she'd been a week late before and that-

Kara stops the thought instantly, her body shuddering slightly as the memory comes back. Unconsciously, one hand floats to her stomach, her palm resting against the gentle curve of her belly just above her belly button. Yeah, she'd been a week late before and she had been pregnant. Look how well that turned out.

She thinks she feels a cramp and Kara scoffs at the idea that it might be a sympathy pain. It had damn well better be PMS, she thinks as she grabs her washcloth and bar of soap and works up a good lather.

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As she's coming off CAP later that day, she rushes to the bathroom and is confronted with stained underwear.

Thank the Gods.

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Three days later, she's not as thrilled. It seems that her visit to the Farm frakked with her cycle and Kara has found herself bleeding far more than normal. With typical Starbuck aplomb, she chooses to ignore it.

A cheap shot from Lee jolts her back to reality and Kara dodges, narrowly missing his gloved fist. He's actually grinning; of course, with the mouth guard he looks like a fool, and Kara takes a little pleasure in that – before she swings up and jabs hard, connecting with the underside of his jaw.

"Too slow, Apollo. Too slow." She loves to taunt while they spar, mostly because she knows he hates it.

He still does. "All talk and no action, Kara."

She smirks. It's possible it's just another taunt, another turn of phrase, but as they circle each other, sweat dripping down their faces, hands raised to protect their features, she has to wonder if it isn't more of a challenge. It's no secret their friendship has always been complicated. It's no secret they're as close as siblings and the best of friends.

What is secret is whether or not they could ever handle more. Kara likes to think that maybe, maybe if she found a way not to be an eternal screw-up, she and Lee actually could make a go of something. It's not as if she isn't attracted to him – she does have eyes. But it transcends the physical. For Starbuck, Apollo is the only person she can trust as a wingman. For Kara, Lee is the only man she can trust. Period.

He's stalking again, a few swipes meant to knock her off balance his only attempt at attack. She grins and keeps her distance. This they know how to do. Feint and parry; strike and lunge. This is familiar.

Kara is starting to get bored.

"Pass the word, Captain Adama, report to Life Station. Captain Adama, report to Life Station."

As Gaeta's summons rings through the room, Kara steps in and takes one more shot, hitting Lee squarely in the stomach. He doubles over, gasping for breath and Kara smirks, triumphant. "Sloppy, Apollo. Damn sloppy."

He's still heaving for breath. She shouldn't fall for it. Kara knows he's fine, she didn't even hit him that hard, but like an idiot, she takes a step forward, the tiniest sliver of guilt worming its way into her consciousness. "Lee, are you-"

With a low growl, Lee wraps his arms around her waist and tackles her to the mat, effectively knocking the wind from her as well. She hits hard, but her body has already tensed for the fall and she absorbs most of the impact. Except for her kidneys where most of Lee's weight is centered – and now it hurts.

"Frak, Lee. Get off."

She pants and pushes at his shoulder, blinking back the stinging tears of pain. If she has to guess Kara's going to say this is another result of the chop job the Cylons did to her on Caprica. Her left hip has been more sensitive since her return than ever before and since her cycle started a few days ago its been throbbing at regular intervals.

"You okay?"

Opening her eyes, Kara props herself on her elbows, wincing slightly as the motion brings another stab of pain. "Yeah, fine." Nodding towards the door, Kara tries to deflect his attention. "You'd better get a move on. Cottle's not exactly a patient man."

"Frak, Cottle." The statement surprises her and Kara studies his gaze more diligently. He's really worried. Reaching out a hand, he rests it to her shoulder for only a second before snatching it back. Her skin tingles from the contact. "You're not all right. What happened?"

So apparently, she's going to have to demonstrate how "fine" she is. "Nothing." Kara would grow tired of his concern if she didn't find it endearing; not that she'll ever tell him that. "I'm telling you, I'm fine. See?" To prove the point, she rolls to her right, ready to push herself up and onto her feet. Pressing her palms into the mat, she tries to get up and fails as more pain shoots through the left side of her body.

"Kara. You're bleeding."

Puzzled, Kara turns her head, catching Lee's pale face over her shoulder. Following his gaze, she sees the smear of blood on the mat and knows it isn't a result of one of Apollo's punches. How old is she, thirteen?

"Frak." Struggling to get to her feet, she feels Lee's arm move around her waist. She wants to shrug him off and tell him to go frak himself, but she's ashamed to admit that her knees are weak and she's not feeling all that steady at the moment. "I'm fine," she assures him quietly, leaning a bit too heavily against him for it to be true. "Just overdid it is all."

"Uh huh." He clearly doesn't believe her. Tightening his hold around her waist, he steers them towards the door, reaching for his sweatshirt along the way. "Here." He pauses, leaning her against his chest as he wraps the shirt around her waist, covering the stain on the back of her shorts.

"Thanks." She murmurs. "Just get me to the head."

"No way, you're seeing Cottle." She groans. "You can argue all you want, but that's where I'm heading, so you're coming with me."

She doesn't argue.

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"Doc, can I go now?"

Doc Cottle's bushy eyebrows rise as he continues to make notes in her chart. "I swear to the Lords of Kobol, I don't know what I ever did to get a patient like you."

Kara smirks. She swings her feet absently over the edge of the exam table, glancing about the curtained off area. She hasn't seen Lee since he dropped her off, a small squeeze of his hand to hers more reassuring than any words. She was glad he hadn't asked for a full blown explanation, but she isn't stupid enough to think he won't push the issue later. He's persistent.

"I'm sure it's your winning personality," Kara retorts, offering him her sweetest grin as he stares at her through his cigarette smoke. "But seriously, can I go?"

Shaking his head, he doesn't answer. Instead, he flips her chart shut and leans back against the small cart across from her. "Out of all the kids I've examined today, you're the worst."

"Kids? I didn't realize there were an abundance of those on Galactica."

"There aren't. Not normally." Cottle takes two more drags on his cigarette before snuffing it out in a bed pan. "But our President has finally gotten around to doing something about the fleet's orphan problem. She's asked me to do physicals on the wayward babes, make sure they're all healthy before setting up an adoption agency."

Kara nods. "Sounds reasonable." Scowling, she adds, "And I'd be a lot more agreeable if you'd tell me what the frak's wrong and then let me go."

He sighs heavily and then speaks. "Fine. What's wrong is that as of four weeks ago you only have one ovary. Your body is trying to compensate and doing a shitty job."

Kara feels her cheeks blush and drops her eyes to her lap. Cottle gives her a minute before continuing his assessment. "I would guess that in about five to six months your body will settle itself into a rhythm, learn to adjust. But until it does, we'll need to closely monitor your cycles. Losing too much blood could cause a host of problems I really don't want to address."

"You and me both," she mutters. She's quiet again, her fingers having found a loose thread on the worn gown. She's toying with it, unable to settle her fears. After a moment, she asks, "So, what they did? Is it bad?"

"It's certainly not good." Cottle's eyes narrow for a moment before he continues. "There's a reason the Gods made you with two ovaries in the first place. As you can guess, this will greatly hamper your chance of ever conceiving a child. And there could be complications later in life when you're ready to go through the change. But for now, things should remain fairly normal. As I said, until your cycle manages to level out, we'll have to keep an eye. I'd like to make sure we put you on a double round of contraceptive shots as well. Can't be too careful."

Kara wishes he'd dismiss her. She wants to get the hell out of there. She doesn't want to think about children or her inability to have them or even contraceptive shots. She just wants to go back to the gym and hit something really hard until she forgets the Cylon Farm and Sam and Caprica and the end of the worlds and Lee's concern and Zak's angelic face-

She shudders, a small shiver shooting down her spine. Crossing her arms over her chest, she rubs her forearms and takes a deep breath. "All right, double dose of contraceptives. Got it. Now can I go?"

"Worse than a two-year-old," Cottle grumbles as he nods his ascent. "Make an appointment with Ishay for your first set of shots and if there are any changes in your cycle, any at all, get your ass down here pronto."

She nods and then watches him leave. Once the curtain shuts behind him, Kara finally lets out the breath she's been holding. The exhalation bends her spine and she drops her chin to the top of her chest. Closing her eyes, she breathes in and out, willing her heart to stop racing. Three years ago, the chance to have a baby or not wouldn't have affected her this way. But now, Cottle's words and the knowledge that she may never conceive hurts more than she thought possible.

If she'd known back then this would happen she would have played it differently. Kara may be a screw-up, but she knows the importance of family. She knows it because her mother destroyed the concept for her, and Zak rebuilt it. Zak rebuilt it and the Old Man maintains it and Lee reinforces it. So now, she understands. Now, she knows how important that bond is. It's sacred and she spat on it.

Another chill shakes her from her reverie and Kara forces herself to get dressed and get the frak out of here. Ishay has supplied an extra pair of scrubs to replace her stained shorts and she's grateful. Slipping the worn material on, she bundles up her dirty clothes and packs them under her arm. Stepping into Life Station, she grabs a nearby nurse. "Have you seen Captain Adama?"

Shaking her head, she answers. "He left after the doctor took his blood sample. Didn't say where he was headed."

"'Kay, thanks." Kara frowns as the woman retreats. Lee was all matter of concerned when he brought her down here, but now it appears she's the last thing on his mind. And why would Cottle need a blood sample?

Shaking her head, Kara takes a few ginger steps towards the hatch. Frak, she's sore and her side is still burning. With a deep breath, she reaches the bulkhead and steadies herself. Then, throwing her shoulders back in pure Starbuck fashion, she saunters back to the pilot's bunkroom.

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"Lee, what gives?" Kara doesn't give him a chance to prepare his defense as she steps over the jamb and into the bunkroom. It's mostly empty and she's grateful. It's not easy to hide the grimaces of pain and she's not really in the mood to explain them either. "You just abandon me in Life Station? What's a girl gonna think?"

"Sorry."

No, he's not. He's not sorry, he's not contrite; hell, he's barely coherent. Slowly, she rounds the table and makes it to the edge of his bunk. His hands are behind his head and he's staring at the blank metal above him. "Seriously, Apollo. What's up?"

"Nothing, all right? Gods, Kara, leave it alone."

"Somebody didn't take their happy pills this morning," Kara mutters, glaring at him as he finally meets her gaze. With a roll of his eyes and a heavy sigh, he just goes back to staring. "Fine, don't tell me."

Ignoring the pain, she makes it to her bunk, dumping her dirty clothes in the hamper on the way. Gingerly, she sits on the edge of her bed, and works her boots off. The room stays quiet and Kara refrains from egging him again. She really wants to, but the pain meds the doc gave her are wearing off and it's hard to formulate stinging comebacks and concentrate on breathing simultaneously.

"You know, it's not like you ever tell me anything."

Looking up, Kara is confronted with Lee's accusatory glare from across the room. "What?"

"I've asked you a half a dozen times what the hell happened on Caprica. And do you know how many times you've given me an answer? _Zero_."

"Maybe what happened on Caprica is none of your business," she growls, already feeling her cheeks burn with shame and anger.

"Maybe what happened in Life Station is none of yours," he answers, his tone just as low and menacing.

They're staring now and Kara recognizes the impasse they've reached. Typical.

"And if it isn't Caprica, it's something else," Lee adds after a moment. He's on a roll now, Kara can see it by the way his eyes widen slightly before narrowing back to slits. He's got some momentum and he's not afraid to use it. "It's Colonial Day and the Academy and Zak all over again."

"Shut up, Lee." She wants to tell him he's wrong, but she knows it's the truth. She does avoid confiding in him at just about every cost. Of course, because he's Lee, he takes it personally. He thinks her unwillingness to unburden herself on him is because she finds him lacking in some way; not strong enough to handle the emotional baggage she could pile on.

And he couldn't be more wrong. It's her. That baggage has been stowed away, safe and secure for months, maybe years. Opening it again and dragging that luggage out of storage would only serve to hurt. Kara doesn't want to hurt anymore.

Of course, she knows that whether she confides in him or not, she won't hurt any less either.

"It kills you, doesn't it?" He hasn't let it go. Rising, Lee stalks across the room and stands in front of her. She knows he gets an ego trip off the height difference and decides to let him have a nice ride; she's too tired for a stand-off anyway. "It kills you to even think of letting anyone behind that vaunted Starbuck exterior."

"Have you ever thought you won't like it?" she challenges, her eyes never once leaving his. "Have you ever thought it's not a nice place to be?"

Leaning over, Lee's face is so close she can feel his breath against her nose as he speaks. "That's what you don't get, Kara. I know I won't like it. In fact, I'm pretty sure I'll hate it." He pauses, his blue eyes searching hers for something Kara is unwilling or unable to identify. After a second, the icy blue warms just a tad and Kara reminds herself to breathe as his expression softens. "I know I won't like it and I don't care. I still want to know."

There's no response for that. Kara feels an overwhelming urge to punch him. Or kiss him. He's close, it'd be easy to wrap her hand behind his neck and pull him towards her, easy for her lips to lock with his and shut up his arguments at least for a while.

Flexing her hands into fists, Kara slaps them against the bed. "No, Lee, you really don't want to know." Lying on her bunk, she assumes his pose from earlier. "I've got three hours before CAP and I'd really like to get some sleep."

Lee stands still for a minute, his eyes watching her before stomping back to his own bunk and pulling the curtain viciously. With an inaudible sigh, Kara pulls her own and prays for sleep.

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	2. Chapter 2

Live to Regret, Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks everyone for your positive feedback – I've never received so many great comments and feedback on a story I've posted in this fandom before. It's very humbling and gratifying!

Hopefully, Chapter 2 won't disappoint!

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Lee is really looking forward to a shower. At the moment, a few minutes under a steady stream of lukewarm water seems like a welcome distraction from his frakked up life.

Plus with the double CAPs he's been pulling, his muscles could use the release.

He hates being this tired, but if he's in his cockpit, his father can't ask him any uncomfortable questions. And he can't think about all the uncomfortable answers. It also keeps him from obsessing over Kara and her visit to Lifestation a few days ago.

Shaking the thought away, Lee sighs and slings his towel over his shoulder, reaching for the head's latch. As he spins and pulls he's confronted with unexpected chaos inside. Nuggets are tripping over themselves, wringing their hands and Lee groans. He was really hoping for a few minutes of peace.

"What the hell is going on?" He grabs Racetrack by the arm as he quickly deduces she is the most senior officer present.

Immediately, the harried look in her eyes is replaced by her military mask of indifference. "It's Starbuck, sir. She's collapsed."

A roaring fills his ears as the ECO's words register. "Where?"

"Second stall from the back-"

Lee is pushing through the crowd before she's finished and everyone scrambles to clear a path. After all, he is the CAG and she's his lead pilot, but he's also Apollo and she's Starbuck. Most importantly though, he's Lee and she's Kara and everyone knows – except maybe the two of them - that that means something.

He finds Kat kneeling in front of her wet, bedraggled form. They've hastily thrown a towel over her, but it's almost completely soaked through from the water on the stall floor – and the blood, lots of it.

Dropping to his knees beside Kat, Lee orders, "Call Lifestation."

"Already done, sir." Kat's eyes are big and scared.

"Then get back to her rack and get her some clothes. She's going to freeze."

The nugget scrambles to do as he asks. Everyone else has now stepped back a respectable distance, their initial anxiety eased by the senior officer's presence. Lee wishes he had that kind of faith in himself.

Leaning forward, he brushes Kara's damp hair from her face and pats her cheek gently. "Kara, come on. Kara, wake up."

Nothing. He notices her lips are turning blue and swears. Making sure there are no prying eyes, Lee gingerly steps around her, getting his arms under her. He knows it isn't the best idea to move her, but if she stays in that water, she'll freeze and that can only make things worse. Lifting her against him, her limp form causes him to shudder. Kara is always tense and ready, willing to fight, but the woman in his arms seems to have melted to nothing. He doesn't like it.

Getting out of the stall, Lee sinks back to the floor, cradling as much of her to his warmth as possible. He quickly throws the sodden towel away, replacing it with his clean, dry one. Telling himself he's only looking to assess her injuries, Lee's eyes scan her naked form. The blood isn't come from a head wound or any laceration he can identify.

As his eyes travel down her body, he notices the two red and angry scars on her hip and then sees the dark red blood as it oozes from between her legs. Frak.

"Racetrack!"

He's covered Kara once more by the time the officer is at his elbow. Keeping his voice low and as steady as possible, he orders her, "Get me as many fresh, clean towels as you can. We have to stop the bleeding."

She nods, her eyes flicking down to Kara's bloody shins and back to Lee before she hurries off. She returns in the blink of an eye and Lee thanks her, glad she leaves before he has to ask her to go. He doesn't want anyone to see this; he doesn't even want to see it, but he has to do something and Cottle and his team are moving too damned slow.

Shifting Kara so her upper body is leaning against his chest, her head on his shoulder, Lee gingerly lifts the towel he's wrapped around her, exposing her red stained thighs. Doing his best not to think about where his hand is currently going, he takes one of the towels Racetrack left and folds it, lifting Kara's still bruised knee to slip it between her legs. He pushes it towards her crotch as gently as possible, not wanting to put any pressure on it, although training would dictate that's what he should do to stop the bleeding. But Lee knows, with a sick certainty that Kara's injury is not superficial and therefore, the normal rules don't apply.

She's hemorrhaging, badly and Lee avoids glancing to the pink-tinted water that's sitting at the bottom of the shower or the gray towel that's quickly soaking through.

Replacing the other towel over her and draping another around her legs and her shoulders, Lee wraps his arms about her and holds her tight. Her hair is ice cold against his cheek and he rubs absently against the strands, trying to create enough friction to warm her. She's so cold.

"You gotta hang on, Kara," he whispers, pressing a kiss to her scalp. He prays silently for a moment and then adds, "What the hell happened to you on Caprica?"

He doesn't get an answer and can't ask again, because at that moment the medics arrive and Lee is left, bloody, wet and cold as they take Kara from him and place her on a gurney. He sits still for minutes after she's gone, almost too stunned to move. Finally, his concern wins and jumping into the shower he hurries to clean off and get changed.

Suddenly, his father's accusing eyes and his own messed up situation don't seem all that important. As usual, all he can think about is Kara.

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Kara is groggy and sore and gods, why can't she feel anything below her belly button? Trying not to panic and failing miserably, she blinks her eyes open, noting the familiar view of Lifestation's non-descript ceiling – oh goodie.

"Ah, you're back."

Stifling a groan, Kara rolls her head to the side, seeking out Cottle and meeting his annoyed gaze. She also takes in the IVs hooked into her arm, one red, the other clear and feels a deep desire to rip them out. The tubes are all too familiar and remind Kara of Caprica and the Cylons and that damned farm.

Forcing herself to be Starbuck, who never gets scared, Kara responds roughly, "So it would appear. What the hell happened?"

Folding his arms over his chest, Cottle takes two steps closer, and leans his hip against her bed. "What do you remember?"

"Going to take a shower." Kara's memory is fuzzy and even the act of entering the head and turning on the faucet seems distorted.

"Well, that's where he found you."

Kara's stomach bottoms out, and she blames it on the medicine Cottle has no doubt doped her with. "Who found me?"

"Apollo."

Kara's eyes close as she hisses out a breath and she curses. Apparently the only way for the Gods to get their kicks is to play sick jokes on one Kara Thrace – priceless.

"He's currently pacing outside, making all of my nurses very dizzy." Cottle either hasn't noticed her reaction or chooses to ignore it. Kara guesses on the latter. "He wants to see you."

"Tell me what the hell happened first." Kara wants answers now.

"Oh, so you want full disclosure from me, but I'm not to expect it from you. Is that how this works?" Cottle's angry and Kara's eyebrows quirk at the truly peeved tone of his voice. Normally, he's just slightly annoyed, but she can tell by the way he's glaring that she's really pissed him off this time.

"What do you mean?" She's too tired for this.

"What happened on Caprica, Starbuck?"

Kara swallows hard, no longer all that eager for answers. She feels her hands shake at her sides and she clasps them tightly in her lap, staring at her fingers as she cracks each knuckle. It makes them sore, but the ache is a welcome distraction from the memories that whir unbidden through her mind. "I got shot and ended up in a Cylon facility. You know that."

Cottle is silent for a minute and Kara refuses to meet his gaze. She's vulnerable enough in this bed, with tubes stuck in her veins. He doesn't need to see how scared she is as well. Kara wishes she could muster some of her Starbuck bravado, but it's just not coming. She feels the bed dip slightly as Cottle sits and she swallows again. He's really not going to let this go.

"And at this Cylon facility they took one of your ovaries."

Frowning, she nods. "Yeah, we already knew that."

"But we didn't know they tried to impregnate you."

Kara's entire body convulses at the thought. Bile rises unbidden in her throat and she turns to the side of the bed, retching dry heaves as sweat beads on her forehead. She can barely breathe and she hears Cottle's voice through a fog as he barks out orders. There's a small pinprick in her other arm and she's able to breathe normally again, but the fear churning in her gut won't go away and she's suddenly very tired.

"You did a test for that." She's panting with the effort to speak, but she has to find out what he means.

"Lieutenant Thrace, I want you to listen to me." Cottle's holding one of her hands and Kara wishes he wouldn't touch her. No one should touch her, she's broken, damaged and human contact is too good for her. "We did test you when you returned to the fleet. And you're right, the test came back negative. 

"However, today, when you collapsed in the shower, you were hemorrhaging. Your uterus was trying to fight what it viewed as a foreign object. It's your body's way of protecting itself."

"From – from what?"

Cottle closes his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh. Kara wants to throttle him for the information, but the effort to move is too much and so she waits, silently, with wide eyes and a pounding heart.

"A fetus." As Kara's heart rate speeds up, Cottle continues. "The reason the pregnancy test came back negative is because the baby was half Cylon. The normal pregnancy hormones we test for weren't present."

Kara's mind is swimming and she can't get the room to right itself. She thinks of Caprica and that frakked up Cylon doctor and then she thinks of Sam and how easy it was to be with him. She thinks of Zak and the child they made, the one she gave up and tries never to think of. She thinks of Lee and the look on his face when she returned from Caprica, the kiss they shared that she still dreams about.

She thinks of the Old Man and how disappointed he'll be that she once again failed so miserably at life. But most of all she thinks of her mother and realizes that she will always be a screw-up. Apparently, her mother's constant abuse still wasn't enough to dispel all the evil that courses through her.

"Lieutenant? Starbuck?"

Cottle is calling to her again, but Kara has no desire to face him or anyone and she lets the chaos that's enveloped her mind envelope her body as she mercifully passes out.

---- ----

"Do you honestly want to have this discussion now?"

Kara awakes again to dim lighting and the sound of angry, whispered voices. Her current situation slowly seeps back into her brain and she closes her eyes against the knowledge that a few hours ago she miscarried a Cylon half-breed. The thought makes her ill, and she swallows a few times to avoid being sick.

Forcing her eyes open as she takes deep breaths, she hears another clipped whisper. Turning to the side, she sees two unmistakable silhouettes on the other side of her curtained off room. One is taller than the other and a bit broader, and she recognizes the Old Man and Lee. She also recognizes that neither of them is particularly happy at the moment.

"If not now, when, Lee?"

Lee sighs and drops his chin to his chest. Kara watches, intrigued. "I don't know, dad. But not now. Kara could have died today. You get that, right?"

"Don't you dare." Bill Adama takes a step closer to his son, and his head dips a little lower. "You know how much I care about her. But I'm not talking about Kara right now. I'm talking about you - ."

"Enough." Lee's tone leaves no room from argument, not even from the Commander of the Fleet. Kara watches as his shoulders tense even further and he takes another step closer to his dad. "I don't want to talk about this now. I just want to check on Kara and make sure she's all right."

Kara forces her eyes shut as she watches Lee's shadow approach. If she looks in his concerned blue eyes she knows she'll break all over again and she can't. She also knows that she's a hairs-breath from telling him all of what happened on Caprica including her impromptu pregnancy and she just can't admit to that. Not tonight, maybe not ever.

She feels the whisper of Lee's hand as it brushes across her forehead smoothing her hair back. The thumb he rests against her skin is warm and Kara has to force her body not to tremble at the contact. She feels a deep desire to reach for his hand and wrap herself around his strength, his warmth. She just wants to know that for once, maybe only for a moment, she is safe and everything is all right. But Kara knows she isn't safe and nothing is all right.

"I miss you, Kara." His words are whispered and from the feel of his breath on her cheek she knows he's bent over close. The touch of his lips to her forehead confirm it and Kara schools herself to stay still. "You scared the crap out of me today. I need you to wake up soon and tell me what happened. Tell me what I can do."

He pauses and Kara continues to feign sleep. "There has to be something I can do. I can't stand to see you like this. I can't-"

The statement ends abruptly and Kara finally risks a peek under her lashes. She catches Lee's bent head out of the corner of her eye and feels the strength in his grip as he squeezes her hand. The sight of his despair is almost enough to unlock her own, but Kara has spent years shoring up her feelings. She isn't so easily undone.

"I'll be back in the morning," he says after a time and Kara allows her eyes to flutter closed as he again kisses her forehead. "Sweet dreams, Kara."

His whispered wish for her peace brings a lump to Kara's throat and it's only after he's left that she allows herself to cry.

---- ----

_Kara is in so much pain she fears her whole body will split in two. She's sweating and bearing down and the doctors keep telling her to ease up between contractions, but she can't because it hurts so frakking bad._

"_That's it, Kara, just a few more." Damn doctor and her damned controlled tone. Kara'd really like to see her try and squeeze a watermelon out one of her nostrils. _

_Panting and exhausted, her body finally relaxes enough and she flops back on the bed. Sweat pours off her forehead and she closes her eyes as she tries to control her breathing. The touch of a cool rag to her skin brings seconds of blessed relief and with a tired sigh she forces her eyes to open._

_She's met with Zak's caring gaze and her heart stops. He smiles, that warm, endearing smile that had first done her in and continues to wipe her sweat away. "You're doing great, babe," he whispers and then his soft lips touch her forehead and Kara shudders. Not from pain but from joy._

"_Zak." She blindly reaches for him, needing to hold his hand. He gives it to her and Kara can't believe this is a dream because he's warm and solid and beside her. "You came."_

"_That's my kid, isn't it?" He's teasing her and its all so normal Kara wants to cry._

"_But you – you're not-"_

"_Shh." His thumb strokes the skin at her hairline and Kara feels her body sag at the comforting touch. "It's gonna be okay, babe. I promise."_

_Her eyes flutter closed with another sigh. Zak always keeps his promises._

_Too soon, more pain grips her lower body and she surges forward, squeezing Zak's hand with all her might. She cries out and his other hand rests at the small of her back, rubbing soothing circles as he presses his lips to her temple and mutters words of encouragement into her ear. With Zak beside her, Kara can do anything and so she pushes as the doctor asks and fights through the pain and the minute she hears the wail of a newborn, she begins to cry._

"_You did it, Kara." Zak's lips are still at her temple as all of her weight sinks into his side. His strong arm is around her shoulder and Kara buries her face into his chest, shaking with happy tears and relief. Relief that this time she got it right and Zak was here to see it._

_In moments she's lying back against the bed, her body pleasantly numb from the stress. She watches as Zak moves across the room, going to the doctor as she swaddles the baby. Their heads are bent and Kara guesses he's getting instruction, ways to carry the precious bundle, what to do. She's too hazy to think of much else._

_Too long passes and Kara forces herself to sit up, propping her weight on her elbows. Zak's back is to her and she notices the rigidity of his spine. He's upset, angry even and Kara feels a sharp stab of fear. "Zak? What is it? What's wrong?"_

"_How could you?" His voice is low and deadly and the burn of his angry eyes sears Kara's heart. He continues to stare at her, waiting for her to give first and she does, dropping her eyes to the bedspread, before he storms out of the room._

_She can't go after him. She doesn't have the strength, so instead she calls out but he doesn't return. "Zak!"_

_The doctor moves to her side now, holding a small bundle in a gray blanket in her arms. "Congratulations, Kara," she says in an even tone. Tipping her arms forward, she gives Kara a view of her baby and the edges of her vision start to go black. "You have a beautiful baby toaster."_

"No!"

Kara's pained cry rips at Lee. He'd come running as soon as he'd heard her whimper for Zak, the anguish in her voice rending his heart. Doc Cottle was hovering as well, trying to regulate her heart, but Lee is unconcerned with the other man. All he can see is Kara and the obvious pain she's in.

Now as she cries out, her tears falling from beneath tightly shut lids Lee feels more helpless than ever before. She doesn't want him, she wants Zak, his dead brother, her dead fiancé and Lee knows he is a poor substitute for his warm and caring sibling.

Zak was always gentle with Kara; loving in a way that Lee has never been. He _loves_ her, that's not the problem, it's just that Zak never rose to Kara's bait the way Lee does. She reduces him to a ten-year-old full of indignation and boyish competitiveness and he just has to prove her wrong or shut her up or take her challenge. He doesn't know why it's so damn important that he win where Kara is concerned.

Probably because one look from Kara can make his heart beat sharply; one throaty laugh can make him hard; one private smile can make him wish he'd met her first.

"No! It's not mine! Zak, please!"

She's screaming again and Lee doesn't know what to do. Reaching for her, he grabs her by the upper arms, holding firmly, but hopefully not hard enough to bruise. "Kara, you're dreaming."

Kara's thrashing becomes more violent and Lee presses her back into the mattress. "Kara, wake up!"

With a gasp for air she startles awake, panting and sweaty. Lee releases his hold, but doesn't get very far as Kara grabs for his hand and holds it tight. She's still shaking and Lee feels every tremble as it echoes from her hand into his. Pulling her hand into his chest, he rests it over his heart, rubbing her forearm soothingly, trying to calm her tremors.

Her eyes still haven't focused and Lee tries not to dwell on how panicked her lost look makes him. And she's still crying. Lee feels every tear as if it were acid on his skin. Kara in pain has always set him on edge. She's not supposed to be vulnerable – ever.

Slowly, Kara's breathing stabilizes, but she doesn't pull her hand away and Lee's glad. He needs to touch her right now, needs to be assured that she is real and they aren't fighting; needs to know that he can help her, even if it's as simple as holding her hand.

"Are you okay?" It is the lamest question in the worlds and Lee wonders if he's really as smart as everyone says he is. Surely not.

She takes in a long, shaky breath. "Sure."

Frowning, Lee sighs. "Okay, I deserved that. Ask a stupid question …" She's not amused and Lee's disappointed that he can't make her smile, even a little. _What do you want, Apollo?_ It's not as if a stupid joke is going to take away Kara's pain – not this time.

Hoping to break the stalemate, Lee throws a questioning glance in Cottle's direction. "Her vitals are back within norms. You need to keep resting, young lady," he intones, waggling a finger in her direction. Kara frowns, but nods reluctantly. Her eyes follow Cottle as he exits the room, leaving them alone.

A long silence descends on the room and it is Kara who breaks it.

"Thanks." Lee's furrowed brow presses her to elaborate. "For getting me to Lifestation. Cottle told me you found me."

Shrugging, Lee told her, "Not really. Cat and Racetrack called the medics. I just made sure you didn't freeze to death before they got there." More silence and unbidden the image of Kara hemorrhaging invades his brain. "Kara," he breathes, waiting until her eyes are back on his face. "There was so much blood."

She shudders and Lee feels it, their hands still joined atop his heart. Squeezing her fingers lightly, he begs, "Tell me what happened. Please?"

Her hazel eyes lock on his and Lee sees a flicker in her legendary resolve. Just as quickly, it's gone. "No, Lee. I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize." Kara seems to have shrunk before his eyes and he gets the distinct impression that she's slipping away from him. "Whatever happened, it's not your fault. But if you tell me, maybe I can help."

She smiles, and the expression is so hollow, so empty that Lee feels his heart tear a little. "No, you can't, Lee." She tugs on their joined hands and Lee reluctantly lets hers go, wishing she wouldn't pull away – physically or emotionally. She did the same thing after Zak's death and Lee hated it then too. "When Cottle clears me for flight, you'll be the first to know, Captain."

The dismissal couldn't be plainer and Lee bites back an angry yell. They've come so far, but yet she's once again widening the chasm between them. Her coldness is a challenge to Lee – _I dare you, Apollo_, that's what she's saying, he knows it. _I dare you to try_.

And like with every other challenge Starbuck has ever thrown in his path, Lee will meet it. Leaning forward, he clasps her joined hands in one of his, resting his other hand to her cheek. She flinches, but then holds still, the blatant challenge still reflected in her eyes. If the situation weren't so serious, he would find it cute.

"You can push all you want, Kara." His blue eyes search her hazel ones for some hint of understanding, tracing the curves of her cheeks, past the bridge of her nose and over the fullness of her mouth as he continues to talk. "But I've lost you twice in the past two months and if you think I'm going to let you keep shutting me out, you've got another thing coming."

Before she can form a biting retort, Lee presses a kiss to her cheek, releases her hands and walks out. Once he's halfway down the hall, his anxiety catches up with him and he reaches out a steadying hand to the wall at his side. Going ten rounds with Kara Thrace could certainly take a lot out of a guy. Good thing Lee has already resolved to be ready for the fight.

---- ----


	3. Chapter 3

Live to Regret – Chapter 3

---- ----

A/N: Again, the amount of reviews and your insights are gratifying. Thanks so much.

I don't think anyone has correctly guessed where exactly this is heading, so I hope you'll hang on for the ride – it's gonna get bumpy!

---- ----

Begrudgingly, Kara is on her feet, slowly schlepping her way through Life Station. It was Cottle's idea, not her own, to get out of bed and get her blood flowing. Apparently, as long as she can stay upright for at least twenty minutes, he'll spring her. That thought alone is all the impetus she needs.

However, she's moving slow, far too slow for her own liking. Kara is used to outflying, outrunning, outbetting and outplaying just about every around her. At the moment, a slow moving octogenarian could overtake her.

Grimacing as a particularly sharp twinge of pain tweaks her hip, Kara pauses, leaning her hand against the nearby bulkhead. As she takes in a breath and lets it out slowly, she makes out the sound of cooing and the occasional whimper. Closing her eyes for a moment, Kara steels herself for the scene she knows she'll see and then slowly peeks around the corner.

Frak – the nursery.

As a rule, battlestars don't have a very large complement of children, but apparently the kids Cottle had mentioned a few days ago are still underfoot because the area looks overrun with toys, clothing and small, squealing, messy, smelly humans. Kids.

Two nurses Kara vaguely recognizes enter the opposite end of the corridor and Kara pulls her head back. She doesn't want anyone to know why she can't make herself move from the small area of Life Station teeming with the only hope the Fleet has left. The only hope Kara has left, now that she's miscarried a half-breed.

"Do you really think it's his though? I mean, he doesn't seem the type."

The nurses' voices float to Kara and she pretends not to listen, but with little else to do, but catch her breath and not think about what landed her in sick bay in the first place, she latches onto this newest tidbit of gossip.

"Well, she's certainly beautiful enough. Brown eyes, not blue, but that doesn't mean anything."

"The eyes could be red – any baby with Adama genes is gonna be a looker."

One of the nurses giggles and the other joins her and then Kara hears the unmistakable sound of a child babbling. The nonsense words inexplicably tear at Kara's heart. Risking detection, Kara peers around the corner and watches as the nurse cradles a blonde haired child with waving fists to her shoulder. The little one is talking a blue streak, nothing recognizable, but her legs are kicking and her arms are flailing and Kara has the distinct impression that she just wants some undivided attention.

As the women and the baby disappear inside a curtained off area, Kara turns quickly and heads as fast as she can to her own room. Once there she sinks on the edge of her bed, barely registering the pain in her abdomen as the nurses' conversation replays in her head. _Any baby with Adama genes …_

The thought is too unbelievable, too incredulous, but then Kara remembers that this is her life she's talking about and nothing is impossible. Suddenly, hope and fear flair in her heart and she closes her eyes. Pressing her fist to her mouth to stifle her cry of surprise, she can barely order her thoughts. Slowly, she sinks back against the pillows, wrapping herself into the tightest ball she can manage. As her body finally gives in to sleep, she wonders if maybe this time the Gods have finally answered one of her prayers.

---- ----

"_It's a good family, right?"_

"_Miss Thrace." Kara has hated social workers since she was a kid. No matter how many officials the school had called in, not one of them had been able to get Kara away from her abusive mother. Their incompetence has bred Kara's dislike. And this woman before her isn't erasing the stereotype. "You know that we screen all of our families to ensure that every child we place will be cared for in a loving environment."_

"_I don't want the company line, Miss Andrews," Kara hisses, frowning. "I want the truth. My kid deserves a good family, with a mom and dad who will love it more than their own lives."_

_Miss Andrews holds her tongue, eyeing Kara warily. Kara returns the gaze, unaffected. This lady would have to try a hell of a lot harder to intimidate her. _

"_Can I ask again why you've decided on adoption?"_

_Kara's heart speeds up and she feels a flutter in her stomach. Smoothing a hand over the growing bump that is her and Zak's child, she shrugs, pretending that she doesn't care. "I told you, I'm a Viper pilot. Being a mom isn't exactly part of the job."_

"_And the child's father-"_

"_Is dead, so I don't really think he has a say, do you?" Kara smirks as the other woman blinks rapidly a few times._

"_I'm not trying to antagonize you, Miss Thrace." Kara snorts. "However, it's been my experience that someone so concerned with her child's welfare isn't quite convinced that adoption is the answer."_

_Sighing heavily, Kara leans back in her seat, her hand still rubbing absently across her stomach. She wishes this wasn't the answer. There has never been a part of Kara's life she's wanted to relive so badly as the past two months. She would go back in time in a heartbeat if it meant she could save Zak. If it meant he could be alive and they could be married and she could keep his baby when it's born in four months. _

_But he isn't and they aren't and she can't, so the point is moot._

"_Adoption is the only option, Miss Andrews." Kara's face is again a mask of indifference and she watches the social worker visibly flinch at her cool tone. "I'm reporting to the Battlestar Galactica in six months. And I can't bring a baby along."_

"_You could resign-" One glare from Kara stops the woman mid-sentence and they finish the rest of their meeting in an almost companionable silence._

_It isn't until Kara holds the pen poised above the adoption paperwork that she feels a wave of guilt and grief so potent she fears she might be sick. _Hold it together, Starbuck. You have to do this.

_Ignoring the tremor in her hand, Kara forces herself to sign, thrusting the papers and the pen back at the social worker before practically bolting from the room. She has no idea where she'll go and it isn't until she finds herself at Zak's grave that she knew this was where she was heading all along._

"_I'm so sorry," she murmurs, dropping to her knees in front of his headstone. "I can't do it without you, Zak. You know that. I don't deserve to raise this child, not after I killed you."_

_There is no answer and Kara isn't surprised. She knows Zak would loathe her decision. He wanted to be a father, but Kara never wanted to be a mother, and she most certainly did not want to be a mother without him by her side._

You're a worthless piece of trash.

_Kara shivers as her mother's words ring through her head. Besides, she could never be a parent; Socrata Thrace had made sure of that. She had beaten Kara down until she no longer had an identity, broken her spirit years ago, forcing Kara to rebuild herself one piece at a time._

_With Zak gone some of those pieces have already gone missing. Her culpability in his death only makes it worse. She can't be responsible for his only offspring; she can't be reminded every day of his presence and subsequent absence in her life._

_It's bad enough she'll be forced to confront his father. But when a commander like Bill Adama offers a young lieutenant a post on his battlestar, Kara could not say no. Besides, maybe if she had that constant reminder of her stupidity, she might start to make amends. Surely the Gods would honor her attempt at atonement in the afterlife._

"_You shouldn't give it away, Kara."_

_The voice jolts Kara from the memory and she turns, watching her dreamscape blur to a deep gray. Squinting, she cannot make out the person, only his form and she rises slowly, noting that she is no longer pregnant._

"_Haven't you abandoned enough people?" The shadow steps forward and catches a dim flash of light. Kara gasps. _

"_I didn't – I didn't abandon you." Kara tries to approach Sam, but her feet won't move and she's stuck just out of reach. "I'm coming back."_

"_No you're not. You let Zak die, you abandoned your child and you left me behind. It's what you do, Kara. You don't commit. You run."_

"_No." She feels her eyes welling with tears and she can't stop the torrent as it runs down her cheeks. "Sam, please."_

"_Bye, Kara. Thanks for nothing."_

"No!"

This time it's the Old Man who is within hearing range of her cry and like his son of only a day ago, he comes charging into the room at the first sound of her distress. Cottle follows, checking Kara's vitals as Bill moves to her side.

She's already awake by the time he meets her eyes and the pained look on her face causes his own heart to thud painfully against his ribcage. Reaching out a tentative hand, he strokes her hair back and whispers, "What'd you hear, Starbuck?"

Swallowing hard, Kara takes a few deep breaths, futilely wiping at her eyes. Sam's disappointment still haunts her and Kara can barely speak around the lump in her throat. "Nothing but …" Finishing the sentence proves impossible. "Just nothing."

Bill's eyes fall closed as he murmurs a long forgotten pray to the Gods. Cottle's miracle medicine has begun to work once more and Kara is already in and out of consciousness. Pressing a kiss to her forehead, Bill tells her he'll be back, before stepping just outside with the doctor.

"What's wrong with her?"

"She's been through a highly traumatic event, Commander." For once, Cottle isn't smoking and Bill is unaccustomed to getting a clear look in his eyes while he delivers a prognosis. "Her injuries notwithstanding, Lieutenant Thrace has just returned from devastated world where she was captured by the enemy and almost didn't survive. I don't have a precedent for that type of post-traumatic stress."

Bill wishes the news were better. He hates to see Kara so distraught. It's similar to another time, after Zak's death, when he could barely get her to string more than a few sentences together. Watching Kara, a woman normally so full of life and energy simply going through the motions makes his heart hurt.

"But she will recover?"

"Physically, most definitely." Cottle's eyes glance past Bill's shoulder and he releases a heavy sigh that telegraphs how old he is. "Mentally, I can't promise you anything, Commander. It's no secret that Starbuck is as stubborn as they come and a helluva fighter, but what she's experienced – this might be harder than anything she's ever dealt with before."

"What happened?"

Both men glance up in surprise at the sound of Lee's breathless voice. Neither had called him to Lifestation. "Nothing, son, she's fine. Just another nightmare."

Frowning, Lee glances from his father to the doctor. "May I see her?"

Nodding, Cottle motions him towards the room. "She's going to be falling to sleep pretty soon. I gave her another sedative; she needs rest."

"I won't disturb her," he murmurs before ducking past them both and heading to Kara's side.

Cottle and Adama's eyes follow the young man. "Something I should know, Commander?"

Startled slightly by the question, Bill shakes his head. "They've always been close."

Cocking an eyebrow, Cottle finally reaches for his cigarettes, shaking one out of the pack and lighting it. "Uh huh."

As he takes his first drag, Bill lowers his voice and asks, "Do you have the final test results back yet?" He feels guilty for letting anything else supplant his concern for Kara, but even an Old Man gets curious.

Cottle shakes his head. "No, I told you they won't be back for another day." He takes another long pull on the cigarette. "But there isn't much it can tell us that we don't already know. That child's father is an Adama."

Again Bill finds the notion of a long lost grandchild unbelievable. Lee would never have been so irresponsible; his eldest is far too by the book. "It doesn't make sense."

"And there's a good chance it won't, regardless of what those results are."

---- ----

"How is she?"

Lee rubs his hands over his face, hoping it might sharpen his senses. Operating on no sleep makes focusing on just about anything almost impossible. "She was sleeping when I left. It took another dose of the sedative to put her under."

Bill nods grimly as he eyes his son closely. "You need to get some rest, son."

"Can't." Lee reaches for the towel on the edge of the sink, chucking it into the bin as he heads back to his office. "I've got CAP in about an hour."

"No, you don't."

Pausing, Lee turns to face his father, confusion on his features. "I think I know my schedule."

"I'm pulling rank, Lee." Bill would laugh at his son's dumbfounded expression if he wasn't so worried about him. "You need to sleep. Plus, the next time Kara wakes up, I don't want her to be alone."

Concern replaces his puzzlement. "What's happened?"

"Cottle told me she's starting to get violent. Those dreams she's having aren't getting any better." The weight of his worry stoops the commander's shoulders and Lee wonders if maybe his father really is an Old Man – he's never considered him one before. "I don't want her on her own; not if we can help it."

That's the last thing Lee wants too, which of course, his father knew. "I'll be there."

Smiling tightly, Bill claps a strong hand to his shoulder. "I know. But not before you get some serious quality time with your rack." Turning and gently pushing him towards the couch across the way, he relates, "Cottle is under strict orders to send you packing if you show up in Lifestation before oh-eight hundred."

Lee sighs heavily, glancing to the clock as his weary body falls onto the sofa. A whole six hours of rest – it feels like a gift. One he'd willingly take if he wasn't so worried about Kara. "Yes sir."

As Lee settles Bill lingers for a moment, wondering when his son grew into a man. He most certainly wasn't there to witness the full transition, but it is moments like these, when Lee is Captain, friend and son that he knows his eldest boy is fully grown. "Get some rest."

Lee's arm is thrown over his eyes and he only gives a small grunt of acknowledgement. As the hatch opens, he calls quietly, "Do you know what happened?"

Bill pauses in the doorway, head hanging low. "No. Kara won't tell me and Cottle can't."

Lee swallows hard and nods before rolling onto his side and trying to get comfortable. He hears the hatch shut and releases another sigh. Despite the lure of uninterrupted sleep he finds his thoughts full of Kara and her ordeal and sleep is a long time coming.

---- ----

Kara wakes with a jolt, her face and hair damp with sweat, her pulse racing from a dream that for once she can't remember. Gasping for air, she wills her heart rate to slow. She can barely stand the dreams. They are painful to a level that Kara has seldom faced in the past few years. Some are of Zak when he was alive and well and in love with her. Others are of Anders and the fact that she left him behind. Most center on her baby, Zak's child whom she gave up for adoption because she was too broken to care for another human being.

She once again curses the Cylons. It's their fault she's haunted by dreams of her baby – and the baby's father. It is their meddling on Caprica that has brought all of these memories roaring to the surface. Memories and emotions she has spent years bottling deep inside; but even the most stalwart and strong has a limit.

Kara has begun to fear in the past few days that she may have finally reached hers.

The idea of lying in a hospital bed for another moment causes more anxiety to well in her gut. Forcing herself to a sitting position, Kara ignores the twinge of pain in her lower body and manages to connect her feet with the cold decking. It is the middle of the night once again and she knows she can move about undetected. With barely a thought as to where she may go, Kara begins to walk.

---- ----

Despite his father's warning, Lee walks into Lifestation at a little past oh-seven hundred. He'd been hard-pressed to fall asleep and had an even harder time staying that way. His worry for Kara is all-consuming. The thought of her waking alone after one of those horrific nightmares is enough to send a shiver down his spine.

If he has anything to say about, Kara will never be alone again.

His cheeks flush at the thought. Why he thinks he'll have any say in who Kara spends time with is beyond Lee. She wasn't alone on Caprica; Helo's hinting had answered that question fairly fast. But unlike the vice president, when Kara had sought comfort on the destroyed planet, he _hadn't_ been there for her. Lee has convinced himself in the time she was gone and since she's been back that in his haste not to ruin their friendship, he had effectively pushed Kara towards someone else. _Way to go, Apollo._

If she didn't know he was an option, than of course she wouldn't seek him out. Lee knew all he had to do was convince her he was here, he was staying and he was in love with her.

He stops mid-stride, the thought invading all of his higher functions, including motor skills. Love? Really? The flush on his cheeks dissipates quickly. Yes, love, that's exactly what it is. Lee Adama loves Kara Thrace. Is it really the end of the worlds?

Nope, that's already happened.

Feeling lighter and more assured than he has for quite some time, Lee all but skips to Kara's curtained room. Pulling back the fabric, he stops at the empty bed. She hasn't been discharged; his father and Cottle would have told him. He scans the small area intently, as if a full grown woman could disappear right in front of him. Doing his best not to panic, he sets off in search of her.

It's still early on the day shift and so there are only a few nurses milling about. Lee doesn't stop to ask them; he doesn't want to cause a scene. Besides knowing Kara she's stubbornly decided to walk herself to the bathroom or some nonsense and simply found it to be slow going.

Turning a corner, Lee stops abruptly, relieved to see Kara and simultaneously more concerned than before. Seeing her from afar he realizes she's grown thin in their time apart; skinny to the point of frail. The hospital gown hangs off her shoulders and she's pale. Paler than he can remember making it difficult to separate her skin from the fabric she wears.

He approaches slowly as if she's a frightened animal he might startle away. She is leaning against the nearest wall, her left hand pressed lightly to the clear viewing window in front of her. Her eyes are transfixed on the scene within and Lee takes a second to view it for himself, before turning to face her.

He's never noticed Kara's obsession with babies before, but at the moment she appears riveted.

"Kara. What are you doing?"

She doesn't acknowledge him, doesn't even turn to face him. She simply continues to stare. Lee takes a few steps closer and then pauses. Her position is tenuous, if not physically than mentally. Lee feels as if he can see each crack in her vaunted Starbuck armor just by looking at her – her skin is far too transparent.

"They're so small."

Her voice holds none of its usual spark and Lee swallows past the lump in his throat. One of her fingers strokes the glass lightly and she offers one of the residents in the nursery beyond the barest hint of a smile.

Lee's anxiety spikes. "Kara, are you all right?"

"I can't believe how tiny they are." She still hasn't looked at him, but Lee is close enough to touch her. He reaches out a tentative hand and rests it to her shoulder. He can trace the outline of her shoulder blade through the thin fabric of the gown.

Kara doesn't flinch away from him and Lee takes it as a sign of acceptance. Stepping a bit closer, he's now standing right at her side, their arms almost touching, but not. He feels better knowing he's close.

"Zak wanted to be a father. Did he tell you that?"

The words startle him as does the mention of his brother's name. He knows she's been dreaming about him. He's heard her anguished pleas for Zak to come back. Lee has pretended he doesn't mind, feigned indifference, but the fact is it kills him when she wishes for Zak to be with her. Irrationally he views it as a rejection, a reminder that he's only in her life by default. She'd be with Zak if he hadn't died and Lee would be watching her from a distance.

Unsure of what to say, his eyes follow her gaze through the glass. There are eight babies on the other side and three toddlers. While the babies each lie in a small, plastic crib, the toddlers are lying on miniature sized cots. Two are asleep while the third, a little girl with blonde curls, lays on her side, thumb in her mouth and a worn baby blanket under her chin. Her eyes are big and open and she stares at the room and the people within but doesn't make a sound.

Remembering his voice, Lee blinks a few times to right his vision and realizes Kara has asked him a question. "No," he says hoarsely. "No, Zak never told me that."

"He did." Kara smiles again, a sad smile that Lee has seen far too often. "I never wanted to be a mother. I didn't exactly have the best role model."

"Kara, you are not your mother." Lee is sure of very little in the universe, except maybe that.

"That's what Zak used to say." She sighs heavily and then drops her forehead to rest against the glass. "He almost made me believe him."

She falls silent again and Lee feels his muscles tense under the strain of not pushing her. He wants to demand answers, but knows he can't. Even at her best moments, Starbuck doesn't willingly reveal her weaknesses. Of course, Kara is another matter entirely, but since the worlds ended Lee has seen far more of Starbuck than her fairer alter ego.

"Kara, what happened?" Her head tilts towards him at his question, eyes unfocused as they stare at a far off point. "What happened on Caprica?" he prompts.

For a moment he thinks she may answer, but too swiftly her eyes drift back into the nursery. "I could never subject a child to what I went through." Under his hand, Lee feels her body shudder.

He takes the smallest step forward, his side connecting with hers. "Kara, you wouldn't-"

She continues as if she can't hear him. "But then I thought, maybe with Zak as my kid's dad, we'd all be okay."

Lee knows they would have been. Zak would have been an amazing father. "Kara, let's get you back to bed. You shouldn't be on your feet this long." His motives aren't entirely pure – he wants to bring an end to this uncomfortable discussion almost as much as he's worried she's going to collapse into his arms.

She stares for another interminably long minute at the children and then slowly turns to face him. Her hollowed out cheeks and sunken eyes pierce his heart as he realizes just how far she's fallen. He should have been there – he should never have allowed it to get to this point. He has failed his best friend in a fundamental way and the weight of that guilt chokes him.

With a heavy sigh that deflates her entire body, she whispers, "I'm so tired, Lee."

Stepping closer, he cradles her cheeks in his hands, brushing a light kiss to her forehead. "I know, Kara."

The physical connection seems to melt a barrier between them and Kara almost falls against his chest. Her forehead pressed against his shoulder, she pulls her arms in tight before her while Lee's encircle her, enveloping her in his strength and his warmth. She sighs again. "I'm so tired."

He pulls her tighter, unwilling to let Kara see how much her pain has affected him. "It'll be okay." His hands are rubbing up and down her sides, doing their best to warm her and reassure her. Pressing another kiss into her hair, he squeezes her tighter.

She's quiet for several moments and Lee just keeps holding on. He won't let go – not again – not even if she does. Her body continues to quake with the force of her emotions and finally a sob she can't contain breaks free. "I'm sorry, Lee," she moans, turning her face into his chest. "I'm so sorry."

"It's all right, I'm here. It's okay." He has nothing more profound to say and so Lee only whispers nonsense to her and holds tight. Foot traffic has picked up and Lee begins to grow wary of the amount of attention they're receiving. He knows how uncomfortable Kara would be with it as well and so he simply adjusts his hold on her and swings her into his arms.

She fits against him so perfectly and he relishes the contact. Her arms are wound tight around his neck and her tear-stained face is pressed into the warm skin of his shoulder.

Once back in her room, Lee gently places her on the bed. "Come on, Kara. Let's get you under the covers."

He tries, but she won't let go and Lee doesn't get very far. "Stay," she breathes and Lee can't say no. He doesn't want to.

It takes a few moments, but soon they are both stretched out on the small bed wrapped around each other tightly. His hand continues to stroke lightly down her back and Kara sighs. "I'm sorry, Lee. I never should have left. I never should have-"

"Kara." He breathes her name like a prayer before brushing his lips to her forehead. "You don't have to be sorry. I just want you to get better. Let me help."

"I don't know how," she whispers, her breath catching slightly. In a roundabout way she's just admitted to being fallible and that does not sit well.

"We'll figure it out, just get some rest." He doesn't have all the answers either, but he knows that lying with her in his arms is definitely a step in the right direction.

"There are things I should tell you," she murmurs, wondering how she could be tired again. But she is and the added presence of Lee's warmth only makes sleep more appealing. "I want you to know."

"It'll keep, Kara. Sleep now."

She mumbles something else he can't make out and then slowly drifts off, snuggling herself more securely against him before sleep finally claims her.

Once her breathing evens out, Lee lets out a heavy sigh, his lips ghosting across her forehead once more. His offer to help was a serious one, but Lee fears he may not be enough to see Kara through whatever trauma she's so obviously suffered. _It's not about you, Apollo_, he scolds himself, squeezing her to him a bit tighter. _It's about her. Focus on her._

Focus on Kara – Lee could do that.

---- ----

When Lee awakes Kara is still asleep and still wrapped tightly around him. With a small smile he closes his eyes and basks in the feeling of her soft body pressed so intimately against him. His imaginings have never quite done her justice.

"Lee?"

Stifling a groan of annoyance at the interruption, he opens his eyes to find his father studying him intently. His expression is unreadable and Lee wonders why he would appear so guarded, here, in front of his son and surrogate daughter. Typically, Commander Adama saves the really stalwart expressions for CIC.

He makes no move to get up. "What is it, dad?"

"We have to talk." It's obvious by his tone it's not a request.

Glancing to Kara's peaceful face, Lee feels a small smile tug at his lips. "I don't want to leave her." He honestly doesn't know if he can.

"Now, Lee."

Definitely not a request. Carefully, Lee extracts himself from Kara standing slowly and adjusting his clothes. Before following his father out of the curtained area, he leans down and presses a kiss to her forehead and then arranges the blankets to be sure she'll be warm. With a lingering look, he joins his father.

"What?"

Adama's face is hard and Lee recognizes the look from years of scolding and punishments. It always seemed that whenever their father was planetside, Zak and Lee were on the receiving end of his disapproval.

"We have the test results."

---- ----


	4. Chapter 4

Live to Regret – Chapter 4

---- ----

A/N: All right, so I think all your questions will be answered in this one. Some people had correctly guessed that a child would play an important role in this fic, but there didn't seem to be a consensus on who exactly the child's parents were. I hope this helps!

Thanks again to everyone for continuing to read and review. It is wonderful to know that you are enjoying it!

---- ----

"I do not want to talk about this right now."

"Then when, Lee?"

Kara wakes abruptly to the sound of Lee and the Commander's hushed whispers. The anger flowing between them is obvious by the harshness of their tones and she blinks rapidly trying to order her thoughts as they continue to argue.

"I don't know, _sir_. Later, after Kara's out of the woods."

"Kara's condition has nothing to do with this and you know it. Besides, she's going to want answers too."

Answers to what? Kara had awoken feeling rested and peaceful, the memory of Lee's arms around a welcome distraction to the loneliness she's been experiencing for so long, but this new development between the two most important men in her life, sets her heart to racing.

"I will deal with this in my own way, in my own time."

"Lee-"

"For once, be my father and not my commander." There is a pregnant pause. "Please, dad."

The finality of the statement surprises Kara as much as it surprises the Commander if his lack of a retort is any indication. Before she can even begin to process what she's just heard, Lee re-enters the room, a scowl on his features that clears instantly as he meets her gaze.

"Hey, you're awake."

"Are you okay?"

He smiles at her, that little boy smile that makes her knees weak. "I'm supposed to be asking you that," he chides, sitting beside her. He hesitates for a second before taking her hand in his and Kara revels in the contact. "How are you feeling?"

"Better, I guess." She doesn't remember much of the night before except for Lee finding her outside the nursery. Her eyes had been riveted to that little blonde haired girl who Kara feels such an irrational kinship with. She knows it's ridiculous – the overheard whisperings of a few nurses should not have stirred such hope within her. But it has and she thinks that maybe the Gods have answered her prayer and given her a second chance. Maybe they saw a way to save her child, Zak's child, and they did.

"Hey." Lee's voice pulls her back to him and she offers him a wan smile as his thumb rubs absently over her knuckles. "Where'd you go?"

Shaking her head once, Kara finds her mouth is dry. She can't tell him, can she? She should, it's only fair, the child is his niece, but she has no proof. And she's just gotten him back; they've just managed to heal the rift between them. The thought of losing Lee again freezes her to the core. She shivers.

"Are you cold?" His attention and concern make her heart flutter and she shakes her head once. She doesn't want him to go. "What is it, Kara?"

"What were you and your father arguing about?" Kara has always believed the best defense is distraction.

Lee's face hardens for a second and she sees something in his eyes that looks remarkably like fear. "Lee?"

He releases a heavy sigh, his entire body sagging with the exhalation. "It's nothing, Kara. You just need to rest and get better."

"Hey." Her stern tone brings his eyes back to her face. "I may not be feeling so hot, but I'm still your friend. You can tell me, you know."

He sighs again and this time there is no mistaking the reticence on his features. "I don't even know where to begin." He scrubs his face hard with his hands and Kara wishes she didn't miss that small point of contact.

Bringing those rich, blue eyes back to her face, he offers her a weak smile. "There's no easy way to say it, I guess." Kara pretends to be unaffected by his cryptic nature, but her heart rate is starting to go a bit off the charts.

"Kara .,." She suddenly regrets asking and feels a heavy weight pressing down on her chest as he continues.

"I have a daughter."

---- ----

"Captain, I'd like to introduce you to your daughter."

Lee has been frozen in place since Ishay stepped into the room with the blonde-haired girl securely on her hip. She is quiet, her thumb in her mouth, a worn blanket tucked up against her cheek. She eyes Lee with wide brown eyes and his blue stare back intently.

He searches for Giane in her. He sees glimpses, but nothing definitive. He sees more of himself, or more accurately, his mother in her small face. But the blonde hair is definitely from Giane as are those impossibly large eyes.

"Would you like to hold her, Captain?" Ishay's soft voice interrupts his inspection and his eyes go wide as they dart between the nurse, the doctor and the child.

"Oh, I – She doesn't know me," he blurts out. As if anyone needed a reminder of that simple fact.

"Well, it's time to fix that, don't you think?" Ishay's voice is soothing and Lee wonders if he can take classes in that. He wonders if he can take classes in all of it – Parenting 101. Surely, someone in the fleet can coach him.

His mind inexplicably flits to Kara's image and he has no idea why. Since he told her, she's been polite, but not friendly and while Lee would like to determine just what exactly is wrong, he's a bit too preoccupied with his own frakked up life to focus on her. He feels guilty for it. Not more than a week after vowing to never leave her alone and yet he's done just that. Is there a friendship clause for extenuating circumstances?

"Why don't you hold her, son?"

Cottle's normally gruff voice is tinged with something comforting and it's as unnerving as it is soothing.

Wiping sweaty palms on his pant legs, Lee takes a step closer to Ishay and holds out his arms as he's seen other parents do before him. Cocking his head to the side, he offers the little girl a small smile. "Hi Alyssa. I'm Lee."

As Ishay shifts her into his hands, the little girl finally makes a noise. She removes her thumb from her mouth curling her hand around the collar of Ishay's scrubs and whimpers. Her eyes are wide with fear and Lee can relate. He freezes, the little girl now suspended between himself and the nurse as she gently tries to disengage the girl from her collar.

"It's okay, Ally. This is Lee, he's your daddy."

Alyssa reluctantly lets go, and Lee takes on all of her weight as Ishay steps away. The girl keeps her body twisted, maintaining eye contact with Ishay at all times as her new father awkwardly holds her.

"Just talk to her, Captain. Let her get used to you. She's been through quite a lot."

That's an understatement. Being orphaned after the end of the worlds seems like quite a bit for a one and a half year to deal with. Now, she's confronted with a new father – one who had abandoned her and her mother two years before. Poor kid.

"Uh, okay. Hey there." His voice is shaking and Lee wishes Kara were here. She would no doubt make some snide remark about the great Apollo and his inability to face one small girl without quaking in his uniform. "It's nice to meet you, Alyssa."

Turning to face him, Lee watches in awe as the thumb goes back in her mouth and she clutches her blanket tight to her. Her eyes are no longer full of fear, but once again she's staring at him in a way that unnerves him. In that look, he sees Giane. He can see the pain in her eyes and face the day she told him she was pregnant and he'd told her he wasn't ready. When he closes his eyes at night, he can still hear her stifled sob as she ran away from him.

Releasing a heavy breath, Lee closes his eyes and then blindly hands Alyssa back to the nurse. "I'm sorry," he breathes, eyes alighting to his daughter before hurrying out of the room. "I'm sorry, I can't."

He rushes from Lifestation and is in the head and bent over the toilet before he can even register the movement. The meager breakfast he ate gets flushed and he leans back against the wall, panting. He can't do this. He couldn't do it before when Giane had proposed they raise the baby together. How the hell is he supposed to do it now – by himself?

He has no idea how long he stands there, but as his stomach settles, he knows he has to get moving. Finding the CAG cowering in a bathroom stall wouldn't do a lot for morale.

Straightening his shoulders, Lee steps out and heads purposefully for the sink. Rinsing his mouth out and splashing cold water on his face, he reaches for a towel and catches Kara's gaze in the mirror. "Hey."

She blinks once as if surprised to be caught staring and then moves to the sink beside him. "Hey."

He watches as she washes her hands, lathering up the soap to an almost obscene foam. Tossing his soiled towel across the way, he leans against the sink and asks, "How are you?"

"Fine."

It's obvious she doesn't want to talk. Good thing Lee is known for avoiding the obvious. "I was hoping we could talk later. You know, about – well, everything."

Kara stiffens, reaching past him for a towel. She almost brushes against him and Lee tenses at the opportunity for contact. He doesn't know if he wants it or not.

"I don't know, Captain. I've got a lot of catching up to do." She tosses the towel in a perfect imitation of his earlier throw and then turns to face him with a hard glare. "Besides, won't you be a little busy playing daddy?"

The look of hurt and betrayal that flashes in his eyes is enough to make her heart stop. Refusing to back down, Kara continues to glare at him, watching as he struggles to come up with something to say. Finally, he does – it's not eloquent or particularly verbose, but it's something.

"Frak you, Kara."

Turning on his heel he stalks towards the door and she watches him go. She wants to call him back, tell him she didn't mean it; tell him she's dealing with her own frakked-up life and that's why she's being such a class A bitch. But she can't. The words stick in her throat and with a heavy sigh, Kara turns back to the sink, leaning her weight on her hands and dropping her chin to her chest.

"I guess it was too much to ask that my best friend be understanding." His voice is quieter than before, but no less edgy and Kara's back tenses immediately.

With less anger than she felt before and far more fatigue, she turns back to him, arms crossed over her chest. "What do you want from me, Lee? Do you want me to clap my hands because you're acting like a grown-up?"

He sighs. "I don't know, Kara. I don't-" He stares at the floor for a long time and Kara wonders if maybe he's just unable to form a thought – she's struck him speechless before, but this prolonged silence is nerve-wracking. "You could meet her."

She blinks. "What?"

He raises his head and she is unprepared for the pure plea in his gaze. For the second time in as many minutes, her heart stops. "You haven't been to see her, Kara."

Once again she falls into defensive mode, because it's so much easier than trying to form rational thought. "You are _not_ foisting that kid on me."

His cheeks color immediately and the red flushes down to his neck, disappearing past the collar of his tanks. "That's not – Gods, Kara! That's not what I'm doing! I just –" He turns away from her again and paces a heated path in front of the hatch. His fists clench and unclench at his sides and Kara follows the line of the veins in his arms as they pull taut with the motion.

When he finally stops pacing, he doesn't turn back to her. Instead, he leans a hand against the wall, his palm flat against the metal as if he's trying to push it away. "I'm scared outta my mind, Kara."

She hadn't expected such a blatant admission and the words immediately propel her feet in his direction. She stops after she's halved the distance between them. The truth is, she's scared too – scared for Lee and for herself. She doesn't know what will happen if she meets that little girl. For a few heady days Kara had actually believed the child was hers. The knowledge that she isn't is still an open wound and Kara fears meeting the girl will only pour salt in it. Even Kara Thrace isn't that sadistic – at least, not today.

"She looks at me and I can tell she knows I'm an amateur. She doesn't want anything to do with me. I tried to hold her just now and she cried." With a heavy sigh, his shoulders slump forward and Kara takes another hesitant step towards him. He's suffering and she wants to help, may the Lords of Kobol have mercy on her soul, she wants to make this easier for her best friend.

She just has no idea how.

"How am I supposed to do this?" When he turns back to face her, his eyes are no longer full of anger or desperation, but sadness. Kara can see the depth of Lee's guilt in that gaze – she doesn't know the details, but she doesn't have to. Lee Adama doesn't run from responsibility, but it appears the one time he did, the consequences were overwhelming.

"You'll do it, because you have to." His eyes focus on her face as the words register, but instead of bolstering his flagging spirit, he looks even more dejected. Kara takes another step forward; she's close enough to put a hand on his shoulder. She doesn't. "That little girl needs you, Lee, more than any other living person. So you'll just figure it out."

"But what if I completely frak it up? I mean, this isn't like botching a landing-"

"Which you do all the time." She smirks at him – he walked right into that one.

He frowns back at her and keeps going his anxiety again on the rise. "This is someone's life. She's so small. What if I-"

"You won't."

Her tone is unwavering and Lee's eyes question her belief. "How do you know?"

She shrugs. "Because I know you."

The silence between them is louder than just about anything and Kara feels the air charge with something pleasant and scary all at once. She wants to go to him, wants to at least rest her hand on his arm and maybe give it a squeeze. She can tell by the tension still lacing his frame that he's not convinced she's right – simply praying to Gods he doesn't truly believe in that she might be.

"Will you meet her, Kara? Please?"

She shakes her head once and steps back. "I don't-"

"Look." He steps forward this time and before she can pull away he's taken her hand in his, pressing his thumb into her palm. "We're having dinner at my father's tomorrow night. Why don't you come too?"

The allure of dinner with the Old Man, Lee and the blonde-haired angel she's glimpsed paints a beautiful picture in Kara's mind. It's warm and inviting and she feels a small thrill shoot through her belly at the thought. "Family dinner, huh?" she teases, giving him a smile that reaches her eyes.

He returns it. "It's been known to happen."

But she hasn't agreed and he knows it. Lee takes another step closer, pulling their joined hands towards his chest. Trapping them there with his other hand, his blue eyes bore into hers and Kara worries he might actually glimpse her soul. She wants to say no and yes all at once, so she opts for middle ground. "I'll see. I think I'm on shift-"

"You're off at 1800." He's not going to let some weak excuse get her off the hook. "I made the schedule."

She rolls her eyes at him, but it isn't mean-spirited and he knows it. "I'll think about it," she promises. He seems to accept this, albeit reluctantly. Giving her hand a final squeeze, he drops it slowly and she feels the residual tingle in her fingers from his touch. She holds his gaze for another moment and he stares right back. She's afraid to break this connection, afraid to burst the bubble they've wandered into. But she has to – she has to work.

"I gotta go." She passes him on her way to the hatch, close enough that she can feel the heat from his skin. The sensation is enough to propel her to reach out and squeeze his shoulder. Waiting until his eyes are back on her, she offers him a small smile. "You'll be fine."

He smiles back, but she can tell his doubt has set in once again. The smile is more for her benefit than his. She'll take it.

With another quick squeeze to his shoulder, Kara exits, shaking her hands out in an effort to release some of the tension that's seeped into her bones. She can't sit in her cockpit for the next three hours brimming with sexual energy and giddiness.

She smiles. Kara Thrace, giddy … only after the end of the worlds.

---- ----

Lee opens the door to find a chagrined Kara on the other side. He's far too tired and annoyed to deal.

"It's late, Kara." He wants to ask why she'd show up now, hours after the dinner he'd invited her too. It seems a tad contradictory – and hurtful.

"Look, I'm sorry I missed dinner-"

He doesn't let her finish. "Fine, whatever."

"Lee."

He stops at the sound of her voice, the tone that borders on murder and mercy. He meets her eyes for the first time and sees what might be actual regret shining back at him. That's new.

"I'm sorry." She says the words clearly, evenly, giving them weight by their mere simplicity. She waits another second and then tries again. "Okay?"

Lee wants to tell her no, it's not okay. He wants to tell her that the past few weeks have been hellish enough and the last thing he needs is more of her bullshit.

He stays suspiciously quiet. "Sure." She doesn't leave as he suspected she might. "Do you want to come in?"

She nods before stepping past him. As he shuts the hatch, he takes a deep breath. Against most odds, now that Kara's here he feels better, less tense somehow. Even though Ally had gone down over an hour before, Lee had been trapped alone with his thoughts; too tired to healthily process them and too exhausted to actually sleep. Now at least, Kara might distract him from his own dark musings. "Do you want something to drink?"

She nods her assent and Lee pours them both glasses of water. When he turns to hand it to her, he stops for a moment, enthralled by the sight before him.

Similar to the night he found her in Lifestation, Kara is staring, her hands lightly gripping the edge of the crib he's fashioned with the Chief. Her gaze is riveted to his daughter, the small blonde-haired child curled into a ball with her blanket clutched tightly in her fist. Not for the first time, Lee wishes he had the right to ask Kara for her help with Alyssa. In many ways, he wishes the child he had fathered was hers.

Blinking that thought away, Lee walks to her side and hands her the drink. "Here."

Kara takes it absently, barely glancing in his direction. "She's beautiful, Lee," she tells him, her voice pitched low in an effort not to wake the child.

Lee follows her gaze and again finds his own breath momentarily stolen. "She takes after her mother," he explains softly, a tentative hand reaching forward and gently brushing a curl from Alyssa's forehead.

Now Lee can feel Kara's intense gaze directed at him. "Do you want to talk about it?"

Releasing a heavy sigh, Lee shakes his head, backing away. "Talk about what? How I failed her mother? How I failed her?" His voice is dangerously low both out of necessity and self-preservation; he knows all too well where the road of self-recrimination will lead. Not too unlike his best friend. "There's nothing to talk about. I can't change what I did." Unable to take Kara's close scrutiny, Lee turns away, sitting heavily on the edge of his bunk. "Who I hurt."

Kara is quiet for so long Lee would swear she's left. It isn't until he feels the bed dip beside him, the light touch of her thigh along his that he knows she's still there. "You're right."

The words are precise and Lee's head snaps up, betrayed blue eyes regarding Kara.

"What's done is done, Lee. And since the end of the worlds there's a whole bunch of things we can't change no matter how badly we want to." Her hazel eyes are focused on his and Lee finds it impossible to look away despite how much he fears what she might say next. "So asking why and punishing yourself is useless now." She turns slightly, her gaze back on Ally. "All that matters is that little girl." She pauses again and Lee watches her Adam's apple bob hard in her throat. "And the fact that you got a second chance." Slowly, her eyes travel back to his and now Lee is sure he can read regret and sadness there – such sadness his heart hurts for reasons he can't explain.

"It's the end of the worlds, Lee and you got a second chance to be a father." Her eyes are shining and Lee has the sudden fear that she may cry. "Regardless of how you got it, the Gods still gave it to you. That's something to be grateful for."

He's too stunned to speak, watching closely as Kara blinks once, her momentary vulnerability replaced with discomfort. As she sips her water, Lee studies her, wondering what exactly he was just privy to.

Guiltily his eyes travel back to Ally and he feels the faintest smile pulling at his lips. "I am grateful," he murmurs. "I realized pretty quickly after turning Giane away that I'd made a mistake. I never dreamed I'd get a chance to make it right." Kara remains silent and Lee is about to ask why she's so transfixed by his child when Alyssa stirs, whimpering a bit in her sleep.

Lee reaches her first, Kara close behind. Bending down, he scoops the girl into his arms, shushing her quietly. "Is it time to eat, already?" he asks softly, giving her a smile and a kiss. She squirms a bit in his hold, her eyes focusing on the latest stranger she's been confronted with in her young life.

Both girls regard each other with wide, liquid eyes and Lee watches just as intrigued. The look of peace that washes over Kara is as unsettling as it is unexpected; Starbuck is never at peace.

Seemingly satisfied with her initial review, Ally moans again, forcing Lee to act. "All right, I'll get your bottle." He attempts to place her back in her crib, but the minute her feet touch the bed, she begins to cry in earnest, calling out for her "ba-ba." Glancing to Kara, he turns, extending Ally to her. "Can you hold her while I get her food ready?" He doesn't give her time to refuse, but instead hands the girl off, waiting for Ally to fuss at being giving to someone else. However, unlike Lee's first attempt to hold her which had resulted in tears, Alyssa simply continues to stare at Kara as the woman adjusts her hold on the girl. With pudgy fists, she reaches out, one hand curling around a strand of Kara's hair while the other falls with a soft thump against her cheek.

"Kara, this is Alyssa."

All Kara can say is "Hi."

---- ----

Kara feels more than sees Lee walking away as her entire focus is on the girl in her arms. The warm weight of a baby against her chest has filled Kara with a longing so strong she fears she'll choke on it.

Alyssa, oblivious to Kara's internal struggle, continues to twirl her hair, pulling it towards her mouth. Kara smiles at the child's curiosity before leaning towards her. Pressing her lips gently to the baby's forehead, Kara inhales deep, overwhelmed by the scent of baby powder and innocence. Kara has never before considered how comforting it can be.

Alyssa starts a string of baby talk, disrupting Kara's thoughts. With wide eyes, she listens intently as Ally rambles on.

"Just like your father," Kara teases lightly, rocking Ally with a motion she's never employed before. "Able to talk a blue streak regardless of who's listening."

The little girl blinks once, her brown eyes again fixed on Kara before she lets out a giggle. The joyous sound brings tears to Kara's eyes and she quickly blinks them back as Lee reenters.

"Well, I think you made a friend."

Kara turns, her cheek resting on top of Ally's soft curls. The thought of handing her back to Lee hurts. She hasn't felt this complete in a very long time.

Perhaps sensing her reluctance, Lee extends the bottle. "Would you like to feed her?"

Kara stiffens for a moment even as Alyssa, recognizing the bottle reaches for it with a happy exclamation. Nodding slowly, Kara shifts her hold on Ally and takes the bottle before heading back to Lee's bunk and sitting gingerly.

"Is there a trick to it?" she asks, wondering why her insides should be shaking.

"No." Sitting beside her, Lee leans close and says, "She pretty much knows what to do, just hold her so she's at an angle. Ishay told me it helps with digestion."

Kara shifts her hold again and Alyssa's little legs kick at the air with excitement as Kara places the bottle to her lips. Her tiny hands hold it steady as she begins to drink, her large eyes still holding Kara's gaze intently.

It's fascinating. As Kara watches her eat she notices every inch of perfection that is this child. Her rounded cheeks and tiny nose; her big eyes and beautiful long lashes; her tiny hands with their miniature finger nails.

She could have had this. The thought causes her breath to hitch as the long buried memory of her own daughter surfaces. She had only seen her for a second, but Kara can remember the hole her absence left all those years ago. And now because of the Cylons, she'll never get the chance to fill that hole; to make it right.

"Kara." Lee's voice is distant and it takes her a moment to come back to the present. Reluctantly, she turns to face him. Confusion and concern are written in his eyes and she dreads what he might ask.

"What happened on Caprica?"

Kara is glad she has Alyssa to focus on. This way, he can't see how uncomfortable she is by the question. "You read the report," she says by way of answer. Lee doesn't appreciate her attempt at evasion.

"Kara-"

"Lee." Once again she can silence him with a word. Raising her deep hazel eyes to regard him, she tells him, "It's not important. Focus on your daughter."

She returns her eyes to Alyssa, watching with a smile as her eyelids droop with the call of sated sleep. She's barely sucking on the bottle anymore and Kara gently removes it, placing it on the low table beside Lee's bed before adjusting the girl so her face rests against Kara's neck. Gently, she begins to rub soothing circles on her back, an old melody of her father's coming out as a hum. With a sigh, she closes her eyes for a moment: she's a mother and a wife and the threat of Cylons and hybrid babies seems very far away. Kara never thought she'd want this – nothing as mundane as a "normal" life. But for this second, she does.

"You're a natural."

Lee's whisper pulls Kara back to the present. With a smirk she's perfected over the years, she hands Alyssa back to her father and stands. She's already fallen too deep and she needs to leave. "Maybe maternal instincts skip a generation. My mother certainly didn't have any."

She can see the start of an apology in his eyes and cuts him off. "Leave it, Lee. Thank you for introducing me. She's beautiful."

"You can spend time with her whenever you want," he hastily informs her, following her to the hatch. "I mean it. I'd really like the two of you to know each other."

Cocking an eyebrow, Kara swings open the hatch. "You sure about that, Apollo? The stories I could tell her-"

"I want you to be a part of her life, Kara." He's serious and Kara lets the rest of the tease die unsaid.

She wants it too and that's the problem. How long can she spend time with this child before her own grief and regret will choke her to death? Kara has always been a glutton for punishment, but even for her this might be too masochistic.

"We'll see." She can tell by the slight squint in his eyes he's not pleased with that answer, but he still knows better than to push.

"Sleep well, Kara." He smiles at her, that ridiculously handsome smile that has felled far weaker women than Kara Thrace.

She can only return the grin with a nod. "Night."

---- ----


	5. Chapter 5

Live to Regret – Chapter 5

A/N: Thanks again for all the great comments and reviews. Everyone's insights are just terrific!

---- ----

It's the middle of the night and Kara has the gym all to herself. She's been unable to sleep the past few nights and her body will only give in once she's pushed it to the point of exhaustion. Hoping it'll work again tonight, Kara takes another hard swing at the bag, connecting a solid punch, before executing a roundhouse kick that causes the bag to creak on its chain. She's guessing the thing has never seen as much action before the end of the worlds as it has in the past few months.

Sweat dripping from the ends of her hair, past her shoulder blades and down her back, Kara listens to her heavy breathing as she continues to assault her cylindrical attacker. Some nights it's faceless – just Kara and an inanimate object. Tonight, it's not.

Awoken by a dream that had her shaking, Kara alternately pictures her mother, Simon, the Cylon Doctor and Sam. Kara takes a jab at her mother's nose, smiling tightly as she imagines the sound of it breaking under her fist. It's taken her years to exorcise the demons Socrata Thrace was so intent to infect her daughter with, but close proximity to Ally and the knowledge that she might have birthed a hybrid has brought a lot of buried memories rushing to the surface

Kara doesn't like thinking about her childhood – ever. It's a chapter of her history that she'd burn if she could. The Cylon doctor haunts her dreams for the visible wounds he inflicted as much as the emotional damage he wrought. And Sam – well, she misses Sam, but not as much as she thought she would. Especially not since she's had a chance to spend time with Lee and Alyssa. And the absence of missing him, the lack of regret at leaving him behind causes its own anxiety.

"This is familiar."

Kara wills her body not to tense at the sound of the Commander's voice. Stilling the bag with her gloved hands, she tosses her sweaty hair back and turns to face him with a grin.

"OId habits."

He smiles at her, one of his genuine, all-the-way-to-his-eyes smiles and Kara feels some of her tension dissipate. When she first boarded Galactica, late night talks in the empty gym had been commonplace for her and the Old Man. She had told him it was nerves – a desire to really make her mark that left her sleepless. In truth, she'd still been struggling to lose the last ten pounds of baby weight and needed the extra workouts.

Pushing the memory away of her rounded belly and the remembered feel of Zak's child inside her, she begins to untape her hands.

"What? You think I've lost my touch?" Adama is still smiling and Kara returns it.

"Let's see what you've got, Old Man." Using his nickname as a taunt gets a grunt of satisfaction from him. Unbuttoning his jacket, he shrugs down to his tanks and reaches for the tape. Kara stretches.

"You know, I've missed this," he tells her quietly, watching as she rolls her shoulders.

She smiles. "Yeah, well, my CAG prefers that I sleep at night. Something tells me, he'd prefer the same for you too."

Adama grins back. "Lee can be a bit overprotective." He finishes wrapping his hands and squares his shoulders to face her. As they begin to bounce lightly on the balls of their feet, circling each other slowly, he comments, "Something tells me Alyssa won't be let out of his sight for quite some time."

Kara lets the comment slide, guessing the Old Man's agenda has something to do with his new grandchild. As she parries a jab, he speaks again and her suspicions are confirmed. "We missed you at dinner."

Jab. "I got stuck on the deck."

As he fires off three punches in rapid succession, the last connects with her shoulder. She knows he's not looking for an excuse – he wants an answer.

"Have you met Alyssa yet?"

Parry. Jab. "Yup. Just the other night." Jab. "She's cute. Definitely doesn't take after Lee."

The Old Man bobs and weaves. "There's definitely some Adama blood running through her veins," he counters. Upper cut. Jab. "I actually see a lot of Zak in her."

Whether he meant it to throw her off or not, Kara stumbles, leaving herself wide open for a fairly deciding hit to her upper body. She staggers back and places her hands on her knees, trying to catch a breath.

"Maybe you shouldn't be overdoing it." He doesn't mean to sound condescending, and she knows that, but it still cuts deep and she wishes he would leave.

"I'm fine." Swallowing large gulps of air, she straightens, her eyes no longer betraying the hurt she feels at the mention of Zak and she resumes her posture. "Come on. Let's go."

"Kara."

He won't engage her and that angers Kara more. She didn't ask for his pity or his concern and the fact that he's so willing to give both rubs her raw. "Fine." With a huff, she turns away from him abruptly and crosses the gym, roughly ripping her gloves from her hands.

As she starts to decimate the tape, she feels the air in the room shift and knows he's behind her.

"Why won't you tell me what happened on Caprica?"

"There's nothing to tell." She knows it's a terrible lie. She knows she's completely unconvincing. But she cannot accept the alternative.

"You and I both know that's not true."

Refusing to answer, she finishes clearing her hands of the sweat-drenched bindings, wadding it into a tight ball and hurtling it towards a receptacle on the far side of the room. Reaching for a towel, she rubs down her arms and hair before turning to him.

"What did or didn't happen on Caprica is no one's business, but mine." She sees the hurt flash through his eyes for a second before it's replaced with his steely commander's glare. Holding the gaze for another moment, she finally brushes past him.

She's almost escaped, when his voice stops her cold. "I could order you to tell me."

She had known it was an option of course, he is her superior officer, but Kara never honestly thought he'd sink to that level. "You could," she says neutrally, willing her voice to betray nothing.

The tension between them grows again and Kara desperately wants to flee. She would rather be just about anywhere than here at this moment having this conversation with the Old Man. A flash of Ally's smiling face and Lee's grin sparks through her mind and she quickly shoves it away. She doesn't belong there either.

"I won't, Kara."

She releases a breath she hadn't even realized she'd been holding. Still refusing to meet his eyes, she whispers, "Thank you."

She hears him approach and finally wills herself to turn around. His eyes are no longer cold, but warm and inviting and she wishes, not for the first time, that William Adama was her father. "But I know something's wrong and I think you need to get it out in the open. If you need me, I'm here."

Kara nods once, not willing to trust her voice. As the Commander presses a kiss to her forehead, she blinks back sentimental tears. He exits and she again releases a heavy breath. Her back connects with the cool metal of the hatch. She's not certain how much longer she can keep dodging the Old Man and Lee's questions.

She can feel her resolve slipping every day. Kara knows she's strong, knows what she's survived to get where she is, but she knows that what happened on Caprica is enough to test even the strongest person. In short, she knows a meltdown is far from impossible – she just has no idea how far-off it might be.

The anticipation is almost worse.

---- ----

"Galactica, Starbuck. CAP is away."

"_Roger that, Starbuck. Good hunting."_

As Kara flips off her comm. she allows the silence of space to fill her senses. She never thought she'd see the day when the idea of six hours of CAP is a welcome distraction to the rest of her life. But here it is – stranger things have happened since the end of the worlds.

"_Starbuck, this is Kat. Permission for weapons free."_

"Kat, Starbuck. Go ahead, clear the cobwebs."

She hears the small squeal of excitement and wonders when she lost that feeling. Kara no longer feels a thrill every time she's at the stick. No, now she just feels weary and relieved if she manages to make it back to the hangar bay without engaging a bogey. She watches Kat's Viper perform a fairly routine maneuver, the guns on either side lacing the blackness before them with streams of bright explosions.

She indulges her junior wingman for a few more minutes and then gets antsy. "All right, Kat. Let me show you how this is done."

If Kat feels like complaining, she smartly keeps her lips buttoned. Kara swings out wide, ready to do her own strafing run at empty space when flashes of light off her two o'clock indicate they are no longer alone in space.

"Shit." Kara swings her bird back around and punches the comm. as she guns towards their uninvited guests. "Galactica, Starbuck. We've got six Cylon Raiders, heading directly for the fleet."

"_Copy that, Starbuck. Alert fighters launching in ninety seconds."_

Dee is always so frakking calm and if Kara wasn't currently worried about ending up as a few molecules of space debris she'd ask the woman how she manages to keep it so together. "Wilco, Galactica. Kat and I are on our way to intercept."

Ninety seconds is way too much time. In ninety seconds both she and Kat could be dead and the Galactica could take heavy damage. In ninety seconds Colonial One could be scrap metal and Cloud Nine could be adrift. Ninety seconds means death in war.

"Kat, form up on my eight. Let's have some fun."

"_Roger that, Starbuck."_

"Engage."

---- ----

He can't go out there. Lee is halfway to the hangar bay when he realizes he cannot get in his plane and bail Kara out. He's not on duty for one, although that's never stopped either of them before. But more importantly, he's supposed to pick up Ally in a little under thirty minutes. If he dies out there, who will care for her?

Lee had never before understood the conflict military parents faced everyday. For a brief second he almost feels bad for Helo and Boomer. Regardless of the kid's genetic make-up, it'll still be helpless and he's never seen a more dedicated officer than the lieutenant Kara brought back from Caprica. Lee wonders if maybe he'll be wise enough by the time their baby is born to give him some tips.

He doubts it.

As he slows to a jog, he shrugs his arms out of his flight suit arriving on the deck in time to hear the Chief's familiar voice barking out commands to get the birds in the air and then clear the deck for incoming. Over the din, he can barely make out the comm. chatter that's been piped down to the bay from CIC. Heading for the nearest speaker, he turns up the volume and listens closely.

"_Starbuck, what the hell are you doing?"_

Kat's voice is always shrill in battle and Lee curses that it's her he assigned to watch Kara's back. It should be him out there – there is no better team than Starbuck and Apollo, at least not where Viper's are concerned. By the schedule's been thrown to hell since Kara's little side trip to Caprica and his time in the brig. Nothing's back to normal. And with the realization that he has a daughter he suspects it never will be.

"_Stay on target, Kat. I've got this mother frakker."_

Lee knows that every one listening is breathing a sigh of relief. The sound of Kara's confident voice, her use of profanity assures them all that Starbuck is back. The rumors of her stays in Lifestation surely aren't true, just battlestar gossip. Everyone who doesn't really know Kara Thrace thinks she's in fine form and they're all just a little less tense knowing she's the one who's engaged these latest interlopers.

Lee isn't everyone and he sure as hell really does know Kara Thrace. If possible, his heart rate doubles.

She's not fine. She's not back. If anything, the strain in Kara's tone rings truer to him than just about anything else. He knows she hasn't been sleeping. Knows she challenged his father to a sparring match not three nights ago, and knows that the Old Man was not happy with the outcome. Cottle cleared her and Lee needs pilots so he'd put her back on rotation despite his misgivings. He'd foolishly hoped that maybe they could avoid any attacks until he'd had a chance to get back out there and watch her back.

So much for wishful thinking.

"_Starbuck! Starbuck, pull up!"_

Kat's shrill voice cuts through Lee's musings and he wishes he could see what was going on. When Kara doesn't answer, he turns and sprints for the hangar's control room, taking the steps two at a time.

He grabs a headset from the con and listens with his heart in his throat as the battle rages.

---- ----

"_Fighters, Galactica. Alert fighters on intercept in twenty seconds."_

Gods damn it, twenty seconds is an eternity. Kara guns her engines one more time, heading for the nearest Raider. Between Kat and her they've managed to turn three of them into space debris. But she's still not certain she can get to the others all on her own.

"_Starbuck, you've got one on your six."_

"That's what I have you for," she grits out, doing her best to keep her current target in her sights while using a few evasive maneuvers she keeps for special occasions – like not getting dead. "C'mon, Kat. Show me you've got what it takes."

She distinctly hears the nugget curse, but before she can chastise her for insubordination her ship rocks and then the world goes black.

---- ----

Lee hears Kat's frantic distress call as she communicates Starbuck's most recent tryst with the enemy. Instinctively, his eyes scan the bay and he spots Helo and Racetrack sprinting towards a raptor.

He intercepts them easily. "Helo."

The ECO meets his gaze, a similar look of panic in the other man's eyes. "Bring her home," Lee orders, unwilling to elaborate further lest he reveal something he cannot bring himself to admit.

Helo's only response is to nod. Lee watches the raptor close up and steps back the necessary distance as Racetrack powers it up. The SAR is away and Lee breathes a sigh of relief. He heads back for the control room, but stops as Kat's voice again cuts through the cacophony on the deck.

"_Galactica, Kat. I've lost visual on Starbuck. Repeat, I've lost visual on Starbuck."_

Dee's voice is far too soft to hear in the bay, but he knows she's saying something about the SAR and that Kat should just get her ass back to Galactica. By now the fleet should have jumped away. As soon as all the birds make it home, the battlestar will do the same. Lee is frozen at the base of the steps to the control room, uncertain if he should jump in his Viper or wait idly for Kara to come home.

The choice is taken from him when he spots a smoking mess making a haphazard descent towards the open bay doors. He knows it's Kara.

"Chief! Get the fire suppression units! And call Doc Cottle!"

With little thought for anything or anyone else, Lee charges towards the wreckage.

---- ----

"Kara, ouch!"

Kara awakens to the distinct sound of a child and does a quick mental checklist. Even with the slight concussion she has from her spectacular crash landing, she knows that voice.

"Hey, Als," she says and her voice is far rougher than she anticipated. Forcing her eyes open, she meets the little girl's puzzled gaze as she stares at her friend, lying in a hospital bed. It's easier to look in her brown eyes than to meet Lee's accusatory blue ones just over her head. "Don't worry. I'm made of some pretty tough stuff."

Alyssa obviously doesn't believe her. Turning, she buries her head in Lee's shoulder and Kara feels a shot of jealousy pulse through her. _Great, Thrace, jealous of a two-year-old_. She tries to sit and get a better position, but the throbbing in her head tells her that's a bad idea.

"You have a concussion and a few bruised ribs." Lee's voice is clinical, cold and Kara winces more at his tone than the information. "It's going to hurt to move for a couple of days."

"Story of my life," she mutters, relaxing back into the mattress. She sees his not amused expression and tries to ease the tension. "I saved my bird."

"Barely."

"Don't I get points for trying? Scrap metal's better than no metal. Isn't that what the Chief always says?"

"Damn it, Kara."

"Daddy, bad."

Ally's voice startles them both. The adults had been so wrapped up in their verbal sparring match they had forgot about the child's existence. Glancing to her, Lee gives her a smile and Kara feels jealous again. "Sorry, sweetie. You're right, Daddy said a bad word."

He glances to Kara once more and then turns, parting the curtains and calling for Ishay. She sees the nurse's shadow appear and hears them speak in low voices and by the time Lee has reentered her room, he's alone.

"She's calling you daddy now." Kara decides deflection is her best defense. It's never worked with Lee before, but she's figuring the hundredth time might be the charm.

He smiles. "Yeah, she is. It's amazing." The smile fades. "But I'm still mad at you."

She tries to shrug and it only hurts. "What else is new?"

"Kara, what the hell were you trying to prove?"

"I was trying to protect the fleet, Lee. Nothing more, nothing less."

"Bullshit." Kara's eyes blink once in surprise. Lee isn't normally so succinct with his swear words. He prefers thinly veiled insults to such prosaic terms.

He steps closer and Kara can feel the heat of him as he leans over her, his fists planted on either side of her head. "You were trying to be a hero. I don't need a hero, Kara, I need pilots. Live ones."

"Did I kill the Cylons or not?" she challenges, refusing to be affected by his warmth or the blueness of his eyes. Must be the doc's damn medicine. "As I recall, Kat and I managed to wipe out half of them by the time you scrambled the alert fighters. So whether or not you approve of my methods, I still accomplished my mission. That's not heroics, Apollo, just facts."

He looks ready to challenge her, another string of admonitions poised on his tongue. But with startling speed he pulls back, his eyes still intent on hers, but his body now a safe distance away. Safe from what, Kara isn't sure and she doesn't want to overanalyze the thought.

Or why his sudden distance makes her sad.

"Damn it, Kara." He says it again, but his tone is defeated this time, not angry. Dropping his chin to his chest, he lets out a heavy sigh and shakes his head. "Just – I wish …" He doesn't finish the thought and she almost challenges him on it. She wants him too. She wants him to admit whatever it is he thinks he can't. Maybe then she can admit some things too. Maybe then they'd finally be on even ground.

"You're off rotation until Cottle clears you again. Report to my office in the morning. I've got paperwork you can do."

She wants to challenge that assessment, but Lee flees before she can even form a decent retort. More confused than angry, she simply lays in Lifestation, staring at the ceiling above and wondering when her life might finally start to make sense.

---- ----


	6. Chapter 6

Live to Regret – Chapter 6

A/N: This is fluff – pure and simple! I make no apologies as every good baby!fic needs fluff.

---- ----

"Kara!"

Kara is greeted by Ally's delighted squeal as she pushes open the hatch to Lee's office. She can't help but grin at the girl as she bounces excitedly in her crib across the room, her blanket wrapped in one hand and a building block in the other.

Kara limps towards her, smiling at the child. It's amazing how her heart constricts every time she sees her. It's been this way all week, every morning when she comes to get the day's worth of work from Lee, Alyssa greets her with a smile and her small hands reach for her and Kara feels her heart warm. And now that the Old Man's pointed it out, all she can see is Zak in the little girl and it makes her sad and happy all at once.

"Hey short stuff, how're ya doin'?"

"Kara. Ouch?"

It's a question this time since the doc finally removed the bandage from Kara's head. However, the white gauze has simply revealed a fairly nasty looking gash. "Nope, I'm okay, don't worry."

"Yes, Kara has a hard head."

Lee's comment causes Kara to stick her tongue out at him, to which he only grins and pretends not to. Ignoring him, she goes down on her knees next to Alyssa's crib and smoothes her hand through the girl's curls. "Kara, play?"

She smiles and wishes she could, but she knows Lee wouldn't go for it. She's been able to steal a few moments with Alyssa this week, and now that the child's more comfortable with her she talks almost a mile a minute. But she still has work and it still hurts sometimes to be so close to her.

"Not now, sweetie. Your daddy's making me do work."

"Yuck."

"You got that right," Kara agrees, rising slowly and dropping a kiss onto Ally's forehead. "All right, slave driver. What've you got?"

"Supply schedules." The glee in his voice makes her want to deck him.

"You don't have to be so happy about it," she tells him, snatching the papers from his hand.

He's about to retaliate when his phone rings. "Adama." He listens. "Yes, sir. I'll be there."

He hangs up and swears. "Daddy bad." Alyssa never misses a beat.

"Yes, Daddy bad," Kara agrees, smirking at Lee as he growls at her.

"I've got to go to an impromptu meeting with my father and the President." He stands uncertainly behind his desk and Kara eyes him closely.

"Okay, go."

Glancing behind her, he gestures to Ally who has once again started to play, entertaining herself. "There's no one to watch her."

"Am I not standing right here?" she asks, feigning hurt.

Lee's eyes narrow. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah, of course. I think Ally and I have gotten quite close this week." Turning to the girl, Kara smiles big. "What do you say, Als? Will you stay with me while your daddy goes to a meeting?" 

"Kara watch me?" she questions, glancing to her father with shining brown eyes.

"Is that okay?" he asks, walking towards her and lifting her into his arms. "I won't be gone long, I promise."

"Yay, Kara!" Ally claps her hands excitedly and then twists in Lee's grip reaching for the woman in question.

Kara takes her before Lee can drop her and the little girl immediately latches onto her dog tags. "See? We'll be fine," Starbuck assures, smiling at Lee over Alyssa's head.

He still looks skeptical, but knows his options are fairly limited. "All right. I should be back by lunch, but if I'm not there's a bottle in the unit."

"Lee, I think I got it." Kara doesn't want him to know that she's getting a little nervous at the prospect of spending so much one on one time with his little girl. It had seemed like a great idea thirty seconds ago.

"You can change a diaper right?"

Kara's nose wrinkles at the prospect, but she nods, and with another quick look between his daughter and his friend, he leaves. Turning back to Ally, Kara eyes her closely.

"All right, kid, let's set a few ground rules. One, no big poops."

Alyssa glances up at her with big trusting eyes and Kara sees Zak reflected back at her. For a second she can't breathe.

The little girl can tell something is wrong and with her small hand, she touches Kara's cheek. "Kara? Play?"

Swallowing thickly, Kara pushes the thoughts away and focuses on the precious child she's holding. The child that is not her second chance to get things right, but Lee's.

"Yeah, baby. Let's play."

---- ----

An impromptu meeting that should have only lasted an hour turns into five and Lee is more than anxious at the thought that Kara is alone with Alyssa for so long. As he all but speed walks back to his office, he has to wonder at his own hesitancy. Isn't this what he said he wanted? Kara to spend time with his daughter? Kara getting to know her?

The truth is, he does want that, he just wants to be there too. He wants to see Kara fall in love with his little girl, wants to see the change come over her, the change he's witnessed in fits and starts over the past week. He can see the softness in her features every time Ally smiles at her, every time she manages to make the little girl laugh. He sees Kara in those moments, not Starbuck, and while Lee would never admit it, he likes that side of her. He imagines it's what Zak had seen and it's easy in those brief flashes to understand how his baby brother could have fallen for her so completely.

He arrives at his office in record time and pushes open the door only to find it empty. Concerned, he scans for a note and finds one on his desk. Grimacing, he heads out, reminding himself the entire time that he cannot kill his best pilot.

---- ----

"What do you think, kiddo? Is it the primary line or the tertiary one?"

Ally could care less at the moment. She is much too enthralled with the pretty lights Kara has managed to activate on her Viper's comm. board and she presses the small bulbs with her tiny fingers, making whooshing noises as she imagines launching the bird into the air.

"Right."

Kara keeps an arm around her waist, bringing it around to meet her other hand while she tests the wires on the right hand side of the now exposed console. The Chief had tracked her down, claiming that her bird was almost space worthy again if he could just get some of the more sensitive controls working. Kara knew a cry for help when she heard one.

Ally had seemed delighted as soon as they entered the bay and Kara had been sure to keep her securely on her hip and far from any of the sparking torches or the really heavy equipment. She knew it wasn't the best place to bring a child, but despite everyone's assumption to the contrary, Starbuck can be careful – if she tries.

"Fly, fly!" Ally squeals as she slams her hands down on all the controls at once and then waves her pudgy arms in the air.

"Almost kiddo, but not quite," Kara tells her, absently pressing a kiss into her hair as she continues to work on her own project.

"Starbuck!"

Freezing in mid-movement, Kara knows that voice and she can tell Lee's mad. Glancing to Alyssa, she gives the girl a worried frown and then calls tentatively, "Yeah?"

"Where is my daughter?"

Right. Kara had a feeling he wouldn't be thrilled with the idea of her bringing Alyssa here. Dropping the wires, she turns to Alyssa and places her hands around her stomach. "All right, kiddo, showtime. Give me your best stuff."

Turning Alyssa so she's facing the edge of the Viper, Kara slowly lifts her over the lip of the cockpit so she can see Lee. On cue, she cries with delight, "Daddy!"

Kara keeps her there, waiting for Lee to say something else.

"That's low, Kara, even for you."

Grinning, Kara lowers Alyssa back to her lap and meets the girl's wide-eyed gaze. "Well, we tried."

"Would you get down here and bring my daughter with you?"

"Yes, sir." Readjusting her hold on Alyssa, she hoists herself from the cockpit and turns to descend the ladder. Before she's even halfway down, she feels Lee's hands on her waist, guiding her backwards. She tells herself it's because she's holding his daughter and not because he feels the need to touch her. That has to be it.

"Daddy, Daddy, Daddy." Alyssa chants his name the whole way and Kara smiles at their mutual joy at being reunited. As Lee takes his daughter and hugs her tight, he turns a murderous gaze on Kara.

"She's two years old, Kara. What the hell were you thinking, bringing her here?"

She despises the condescending tone in his voice and immediately bristles at his accusation. "I would never have let anything happen to her."

"What if there'd been an attack? She could have gotten lost in the chaos."

"Frak you, Apollo." Kara's furious now. She would never have endangered Alyssa and the fact that Lee can't see that makes her see red.

She turns swiftly on her heel and paces away from him, ignoring the tug on her heart as she hears Ally calling after her. Damn Apollo and his holier-than-thou attitude. She can never do anything right.

This line of thinking will lead to madness which Kara knows, but she can't stop herself. Before she's aware of her path, she finds herself staring at the bag in the gym. She starts to hit it, seeing Zak's face in her mind's eye. Zak's hopeful face the day she'd told him about the baby. His giddy expression the minute she'd confessed they were going to be parents. His resolve that they could survive anything together. His promise that he would not let her turn into her mother.

And her devastation the moment she found out he was dead.

Now, all she remembers is her own selfishness, her cowardice that caused the death of Zak's only child – of her only child now that the Cylons have gotten their hands on her. She'd never considered the possibility before, that maybe in all the confusion, her daughter – their daughter – might have survived like Lee's did. But that small flare of hope all those weeks ago won't leave her alone and Kara finds herself wishing more often than not for a chance to do it over again.

She knows that had she kept the baby she never would have come to Galactica. She never would have forged a friendship with the Old Man. In fact, she'd more than likely be dead, just another victim of the Cylons' anger.

That knowledge doesn't help her sleep any easier at night. Nor does it make what she feels for Alyssa any less profound. Nor does it erase the way the Cylons violated her.

But what rationality really doesn't do is make it any easier for Kara Thrace to acknowledge the fact that she was a mother once. And never will be again.

---- ----

The buzz of the phone is far more annoying than her alarm. Staggering towards the noise, Kara swipes the handset off its cradle with a vengeance. "This had better be good," she growls.

She is immediately confronted with the pained wail of a small child. Holding the phone away from her ear, she waits for the ringing to stop.

"Kara?"

"Lee?" She can still hear the baby crying in the background. "What's going on?"

"She won't stop crying."

"No, really?" Kara has been awakened in the middle of the night and the little one's high-pitched sobbing is grating on her. "What was your first clue?"

"Kara." The strain in his voice is palpable and Kara instantly regrets giving him a hard time. Being a single parent can't be easy for anyone, but it's got to be undeniably hard to be a single _father_ - on a battlestar. "I don't know what to do."

"You've fed her and changed her, right?" Kara starts going over the obvious, wondering when exactly she became maternal.

"Yeah, but she just won't stop." Lee's voice cracks on the last word and Kara's heart hurts. She knows that had the baby turned out to be hers and Zak's, Lee wouldn't have hesitated to come to her aid.

But then again, Lee Adama is a far better person than Kara Thrace.

"I don't-"

"Kara, please?"

She doesn't need to ask what he wants. She knew the minute she picked up the phone. Closing her eyes, she lets out a heavy sigh. "I'll be there in five."

---- ----

Lee pulls open the hatch a second after her first rap. He's disheveled, that's no secret – his normally crystal clear blue eyes shot through with red that Kara knows isn't from too much fun, but rather too little.

With relief, he grabs her wrist and pulls her inside. "Thank the Gods."

Alyssa's cry is still piercing although Kara can tell that the girl is running out of steam. Glancing past Lee her eyes spot the blonde-haired child, cheeks blotchy and wet from tears, nose runny. She's standing in her crib, gripping the edge as she tries to stay upright on unsteady legs.

"Kara! Kara," she wails, her voice coming in thick hiccups.

Despite her less than stellar childhood and what she assumes is a malfunction in her maternal programming, Kara's heart goes out to the girl.

And her father.

Moving past Lee she heads for the crib, stopping just a few steps away. "What the frak are you doing? You can't just leave her in there to cry."

Lee drags his hands through his already unkempt hair causing it to stand on end. Kara bites back a giggle – she can remember only a handful of times when Lee has ever allowed himself to look so unruly. Of course, it makes him even cuter and Kara was always fairly certain that wasn't possible.

"I tried holding her, but she just kept crying. I thought I'd try something else."

"She's not me, Lee. You can't stick in her the brig when she misbehaves." She enjoys the moment of banter.

"When has that ever worked on you?" he shoots back and she smiles a bit, before turning back to frown at him.

Kara has no idea what instinct propels her forward, but in a second she's crossed the distance to Alyssa's crib. The little girl's arms are already raised and Kara easily scoops the child into her embrace, her hips beginning a slow, gentle back and forth motion while her lips drop to the girl's forehead and begin to whisper nonsense.

"You're okay, Als, aren't you?" She turns away from Lee, allowing a small smile of triumph to cross her face as Alyssa immediately rests her head to Kara's shoulder, her sobs dying down into small whimpers and heavy sighs. Rubbing her hand along the little one's back, Kara whispers, "No more crying, baby. Everything's fine."

As she continues to rock, turning in a slow circle, Kara comes face to face with a dumbfounded Lee. The number of times she's seen the unflappable Apollo look so confounded could probably be counted on one hand. Cocking an eyebrow at him, she gives him a smirk.

"How the – how the frak did you do that?" he breathes, taking a step towards them and halting quickly, afraid he'll disrupt the tableau and his daughter will erupt into sobs once more.

Her grin deepening, Kara presses a kiss to her cheek and whispers, "What do you think, Als? Should we tell him?"

The little girl is less than interested in the exchange happening between her incompetent father and his more-than-best-friend. Settled and comfortable, her eyelids are heavy with sleep, her thumb finding its way into her mouth as her fatigue finally catches up with her.

Glancing down, Kara notices the child's tiredness and smiles again. Leaning over the playpen, she finds the child's tattered baby blanket. Draping it over her shoulder, she smiles again as the little girl wraps her tiny fist into it and drags it under her chin.

Humming now, Kara heads over to the sofa and sits slowly, making sure the change in position won't set off another crying jag. As Alyssa simply burrows in deeper, she lets out a sigh and meets Lee's still confused gaze.

"You have to tell me what you did?"

His blue eyes are desperate to understand, even though Kara can tell by his body language that he's just utterly grateful she could do anything at all to stop the tears.

Addressing Alyssa, Kara can't help the grin that stays plastered to her features. "Your daddy is just one big dipstick, isn't he, Als?" The girl doesn't answer except to yawn, but Lee lets out a snort as he drops onto the opposite end of the sofa. "Yup, that's your dad. You can call him 'daddy dipstick.' I think that's a good name, little one."

"Kara," he groans, scrubbing his hands over his face. Now that there is once again peace in his quarters, it appears Lee wants to give into sleep.

Seemingly oblivious to his discomfort, Kara continues to tease. "Try not to hold it against him," Kara counsels the now sleeping child. "He was never very good with the ladies."

Tipping his head back against the top of the sofa, Lee's eyes close as he lets out a sigh. "Remind me to make a list of all off-limits topics."

Grinning, Kara adjusts Alyssa's weight, taking some pressure off her still sensitive ribs. "Oh come on, Apollo. Someone's gotta keep you in line."

"I thought that was your job."

It's meant as a tease, but Kara's throat goes dry as she remembers the strain in their relationship over the past week. Ever since Alyssa had entered their lives, nothing between Kara and Lee has been easy – hell, it's barely been friendly. And it was obvious from their less than stellar meeting just over two days ago that their once unbreakable bond was severely cracked.

Brushing some of Alyssa's hair off her face, Kara keeps her hands busy by combing her fingers through the soft strands. "So did I," she murmurs, uncertain if Lee hears or if she even wants him too.

An uncomfortable silence fills the few feet between them and Kara begins to feel the need to run. Alyssa shifts against her, releasing a soft sigh in her sleep and something inside Kara breaks. She isn't sure if it's the knowledge the child isn't hers and Zak's, or maybe the knowledge that the child isn't hers, but _is_ Lee's that causes such a tightening behind her eyes. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that once again Kara Thrace has frakked up beyond reason.

It seems that no matter what else she is or isn't, Kara will always be a screw-up.

_You're a worthless whore who doesn't deserve even the smallest bit of happiness. Never forget that, you brat._

Her mother's words, which have been echoing in her head for days now, come roaring through with a vengeance and Kara cannot leave fast enough.

Doing her best not to disturb Alyssa's peacefulness, Kara rolls her onto the couch beside her, quickly extracting herself from the girl and rising. She heads for the hatch blindly, murmuring some sort of apology to Lee as she all but sprints for the hall.

"Kara."

Frak, he's too fast. Unbeknownst to her, Lee has followed her movements, his strong grip around her wrist preventing her escape. "You don't have to go," he tells her. She can feel the warmth from him creeping along her back. He's so close and Kara has the undeniable urge to fall back against him. Their relationship may be on shaky ground, but she knows he'll catch her.

She trusts him.

Shaking her head once, Kara refuses to give into the weakness. She also refuses to face him. "No, I should go. I have training in the morning. And she's out now, my guess would be she'll stay out for the rest of the night."

Lee's hand slowly shifts until his fingers are entwined with hers. He doesn't push the point, doesn't demand answers and Kara is secretly, cowardly relieved. With the smallest squeeze, he acknowledges his thanks before he drops their connection. "Thank you for your help. I really appreciate it."

Swallowing hard, Kara manages, "Any time," before she can finally disappear down the hall. By the time she's back to her rack, her cheeks are wet. The sobbing doesn't begin until she's sunk into the mattress and pulled the curtain shut, arms wrapped around her knees.

---- ----

A/N 2: As a point of interest, the last two scenes were the first that wrote for this story. Everything else was based around it.

TBC


	7. Chapter 7

Live to Regret – Chapter 7

A/N: Okay, so there's more fluff and then some angst. I hope that's okay with everyone …

---- ----

Kara happens upon Lee and Ally three days later in the mess. Her eyes are immediately drawn to the happy family they make and Kara feels the persistent ache in her chest tighten.

She's been so close to telling someone – anyone – about her baby in the past few days; the longing she had hoped would fade with time has only gotten stronger and Kara finds her dreams haunted by a phantom child she cannot hold on to.

She's almost found the words spilling from her lips, almost admitted her betrayal to the Old Man during their latest sparring match. But self-preservation allows Kara to keep her silence. The knowledge of her role in Zak's death almost destroyed the surrogate family she has with the Old Man and Lee. She fears this latest blow would sever their ties completely.

"Kara!"

Alyssa's happy cry is unmistakable and Kara turns towards it, forcing a happy grin on her features.

"Hey munchkin," she greets her warmly, swinging the child from her chair and getting a joyous giggle for her efforts. "How are you?"

"Daddy play Viper."

"Oh, really?" Kara can't resist. She turns to Lee, noting the way the tips of his ears have turned crimson. "And how exactly do you play Viper?"

His blue eyes turn murderous for a moment until he hears Ally clap her hands expectantly. "Daddy, Viper."

"All right." Kara sets Ally back in her chair and takes a seat on the bench beside her. Her eyes twinkling, she watches as Lee piles the fork with what passes for processed spinach and then begins to make sputtering noises with his lips.

"Viper three-oh-one, requesting permission to land. Hangar deck Alyssa is clear for landing. Open wide."

He brings the fork in on an angled trajectory as Alyssa opens her mouth wide and swallows the algae with a squeal. As she chews, Kara finds her eyes inexplicably glued to Lee's face. The joy she sees shining through his eyes at his little girl is almost unbelievable. She's never seen him this happy or content and while part of her is glad for him, another part – the selfish part – feels left out in the cold. Kara could never cause Lee this kind of happiness. In fact, she's fairly certain she's only meant to cause him despair and she finds his words from so many months ago ringing in her head. _I need all the pilots I can get. Even the screw-ups._

"Hey."

The warm touch of Lee's hand against hers pulls Kara back to the present. Now his blue eyes are intent on her, but instead of happiness she sees worry. "Where did you go?"

She shakes her head once trying to clear it. Offering him a wan smile, Kara rises swiftly even as Alyssa tangles their hands together.

"I don't want to intrude." She needs to go. It's time she stopped pretending everything is fine.

But apparently Lee can't see how much she's struggling. He rises as well, stepping to the side so the table is no longer between them.

"Don't go. I was going to come and find you after we finished eating. Ally's been asking for you non-stop all morning."

With a smile, Kara glances to the little girl and is rewarded with a litany of "Kara"s.

Again the touch of Lee's hand on her arm grounds Kara in the moment and she's unprepared for the look of longing on his face. "Spend some time with us. Please?"

It's really unfair. No man should have eyes like that. Kara feels her resolve slipping and in an effort to avoid his scrutiny stupidly glances back to Alyssa who it appears has channeled her father's ability to turn her into a puddle.

"I thought you didn't want me watching her." Kara hasn't forgotten their little argument on the flight deck. And as she watches Lee's cheeks burn with shame she knows he hasn't either.

Instead of the long, stuttering apology she expects, he simply squeezes her hand and says, "I was wrong."

Kara blinks once, surprised by the confession. She considers ribbing him about it some more, but then Alyssa demands their attention and Kara no long cares about anything other than spending time with her best friend and his daughter.

---- ----

"Lee Adama, you are a liar." Kara shoves playfully at his shoulder as he chuckles.

"I'm not. I wish I was, but it's in my file."

Incredulous, Kara eyes him suspiciously. "You were suspended for two days at the Academy because of indecent exposure?"

Watching his cheeks turn red and the flush spread down his neck and along his arms almost distracts Kara from his answer.

"It was a protest. We were trying to be heard."

"Hmm, and what point did you think you'd make by flashing your ass at the cops?"

Lee seems to consider an answer for a second before a laugh bursts from him. Kara's own laugh follows and both struggle to breathe and stay quiet so as not to wake the napping child across the room.

When Kara can once again take a breath, she raises her glass and stands. "I'm dry. You want a refill?"

"Sure." Lee hands her his equally empty glass and watches as Kara crosses the room. She places both cups by his decanter of water and then stretches. Turning to the side, he can see the violent red scars along her side from where her tanks have ridden up. He doesn't want to disrupt this happy peace they've found, but the reminder of her time on Caprica sobers him. He wonders if he's bought enough goodwill with her to push the issue.

"Earth to Lee?" She teases him lightly as he reaches for the offered glass. She flops back on the sofa beside him and their shoulders bump. He expects her to straighten and keep the usual foot of space between them. He's pleasantly surprised when she stays close, the side of her body lightly pressed along his.

There's silence that's probably too long and by the time Lee breaks it, he knows she's already too tense to admit anything. He tries anyway.

"Kara?"

She rolls her head to face him, a lazy smile on her lips and Lee feels the urge to kiss her.

"What was Caprica like?"

She tenses immediately, releasing a sigh as she shifts her gaze back to the ceiling. "Caprica's gone, Lee. It's dead."

The flat tone of her voice is so different from only moments before. Lee studies her profile: the curve of her cheek and the length of her neck. He sees the way her eyes stare at nothing and he wonders what horrors she's trying to banish.

"Kara, I'm not asking as the CAG or a Captain or even a pilot." This gets her attention and she again faces him.

"I'm asking as your friend."

She holds the stare for countless seconds and when he feels her hand slide into his, fingers entwining, a jolt of hope goes through him.

She leans forward and Lee is both desperate to hear what she has to say and once again overcome with the desire to press his lips to hers.

"I don't think we're that good of friends, Lee."

At any other moment, the words would sting. But Lee can see the struggle in her eyes. It's just another damn evasive maneuver and he's sick to death of Kara thinking she can get away with this.

Holding tight to her hand, he places his glass on the floor, before sliding his now free hand along her cheek until he's cupping her face in his palm. Her eyes widen slightly at the touch and Lee swears he can hear a hitch in her breath before she manages to trap her lower lip between her teeth.

"I think you're wrong," he whispers, his thumb running slowly along the line of her jaw. Her eyes close for a second and Lee feels the imperceptible shift as she leans just another inch closer. "I think we are good friends." His desire wins the battle and before he's even fully aware of his actions, his face drifts towards hers, their lips barely touching. He can feel her warm breath against his cheek and he's lost. "I think we're more," he finally breathes, before pressing his mouth to hers.

This kiss is so much more than the abbreviated version they shared on the Astral Queen. Where that kiss had been full of relief and far too short, this one lingers, full of desire and passion and want. Lee's other hand moves to the back of Kara's neck, keeping her close, refusing to let her pull away and ruin what may be starting between them. But it's an imagined fear, because Kara's hands are fisted in his tanks and she's not pushing away, she's drawing him closer.

They part for air, foreheads resting against one another and Lee allows his fingers to trace her face – across her forehead, down her nose and around her lips. She snags the digit as it passes, pressing a tiny kiss to the tip and Lee must taste her again. As his mouth descends on hers, he sees a flash of something in her eyes. But he can't stop touching her, kissing her, so he ignores it.

"Daddy!"

Ally's cry pulls them apart quickly and they both stand hurriedly, wiping their mouths on their hands like embarrassed teenagers. Unable to meet each other's gazes, Lee simply gives Kara's hand a squeeze before turning to his daughter. He's not surprised to turn and find Kara gone a minute later.

Oblivious to what she's just interrupted, Alyssa begins a string of baby talk while jangling Lee's dog tags.

"I've gotta say, kiddo," he tells her softly. "You've got really crappy timing."

---- ----

"_Right now, your reproductive system is your most valuable asset."_

_Kara squirms wishing she were anywhere else. The fake hospital on Caprica with Simon, the Cylon doctor is not a happy place and Kara's heart beat speeds up as she tries to escape and finds herself strapped to the bed._

"_Let me out of here."_

_Simon, with that patient, genteel face simply shakes his head once. "You can't fight destiny, Starbuck," he reminds her as he rises and picks up a bundle from a nearby bassinet. It begins to fuss and Kara hears the sound of a baby crying._

_Simon brings it closer, leaning down so she can see inside the blanket. Her heart pounds at the sight of the perfectly beautiful baby – with red eyes._

"_Can't fight your destiny, Kara."_

She awakes with a start, panting as sweat plasters her hair to her forehead. She can still hear the baby's echoing cry from her dream and she rises quickly, desperate to shake off the anxiety. As she crosses the bunkroom and pulls on a sweatshirt, she realizes the baby crying isn't a figment of her imagination.

Pulling open the hatch, she's confronted with Lee walking a sobbing Alyssa back and forth in an effort to stop her tears.

"Hey."

He turns, startled and the relief that washes over his face would be comical under other circumstances. "Hey."

Kara crosses to them, rubbing a gentle hand along Ally's back as the little girl continues to cry. Careful to avoid Lee's gaze and his treacherous lips, Kara whispers, "What's the matter, little one?"

"She won't stop," Lee answers and she hears panic in his voice again. "I've tried everything I can think of."

Kara finally lifts her gaze to his and feels simultaneously scared and relieved. Relieved because there is no awkwardness regardless of the kiss they shared. And scared because she can see the trust in Lee's eyes and she's worried it's undeserved.

"May I?" she asks, opening her arms to Ally.

Lee gently passes her over and Kara quietly begins to shush her. She walks a few paces away and then comes back, whispering quietly the whole time. However, unlike the other night, her soothing voice and touch don't seem to do the trick.

Moving back to Lee, Kara meets his concerned gaze as she presses her lips to Alyssa's forehead. "I fed her and changed her," he explains, looking so lost that Kara wishes she could hold him too.

Kara nods slightly and then presses her lips to the little girl's head once more. Concerned, she places her hand against Ally's back, feeling how warm her skin is.

"Lee, I think she's running a fever."

Another flash of panic lights his eyes and Lee steps forward, covering her hand with his as his lips brush Ally's forehead. "Oh my Gods, I didn't even-"

Stopping his tirade, Kara gives him a reassuring smile. "It's okay, I'm sure it's nothing that Cottle can't fix."

Lee seems to relax a bit at that and as Kara attempts to hand Ally back to him, the little girl whimpers her name, one small fist resolutely wrapped in Kara's hair.

"It's okay, little one. You'll feel better soon." Kara rocks her again while looking to Lee. "I guess I'm coming along."

Lee smiles slightly and then glances down. "I'll get your shoes."

He's gone and back in a second and Kara is still there rocking Ally gently. As he stands next to Kara, allowing her to use him as a balancing point while she slips on her sneakers, Lee notes the familiarity of this moment. He briefly thinks to their kiss that afternoon and if something like this – family, love, children – might be possible for Starbuck and Apollo.

Kara straightens and begins walking quickly, but evenly towards Lifestation. Lee easily falls into step beside her, his hand resting against the small of her back and neither of them thinks anything of it.

---- ----

"Where the frak is Cottle?"

Kara does her best not to roll her eyes at Lee's impatience. So far, he isn't handling Ally's first fever all that well. She continues to pace the small exam room, rubbing a gentle hand along Alyssa's back as the little girl occasionally whimpers. Kara has managed to keep her pretty calm. She only wishes she had the same ability with Lee.

"He's coming, Lee. It is the middle of the night."

Lee pauses in his pacing and stares at her for a moment. He blinks once and Kara turns away from him again as she whispers to Ally. Facing him once more, she stops for a moment mid-stride, taken aback by the look on his face. It's open and honest, but it's more than that – it's vulnerable and Kara feels a twinge of discomfort at being privy to such raw emotion.

"What?" she asks quietly, doing her best to deflect the situation by turning defensive.

Without a word, Lee approaches her, wrapping her and Alyssa in a hug before she can even think to protest. She feels a bit of pressure as he brushes a kiss into her hair. "Thank you," he breathes and Kara feels her body tense for a moment as the weight of his arms around her back causes her fight or flight instincts to kick in.

The warm weight of Ally against her chest and the solid presence of Lee all around her are intoxicating and Kara allows herself to relax into it, even if it's only for a moment. This could have been her, her and Zak and their child. The thought sobers her and Kara feels the sting of tears she refuses to cry pressing behind her eyes.

"You don't have to thank me," she tells him softly, her voice more even than she had expected. "I'm glad I can help."

Anything Lee might have said freezes in his throat as the curtain is whipped aside and a perturbed looking Cottle storms in.

"This had better be good," he says around the cigarette between his teeth.

---- ----


	8. Chapter 8

Live to Regret – Chapter 8

A/N: I wanted this and chapter 7 to all be one, but it's too long for LJ, so I split it. Sorry if it threw the rhythm a bit.

A/N 2: Also, this was to be the last chapter before a tiny epilogue, but I felt I was shortchanging the story in my rush to get it posted. So, there will be more, but there might be a bit of a delay. Please, stay tuned!

---- ----

Lee has never felt such relief in his life. It's only an earache and now that Alyssa is resting comfortably, her fever on its way down, he can finally breathe easy. He stares at her, sleeping with her blanket fisted under her chin and he has to smile. She's perfect, his perfect angel and if he'd ever doubted the presence of the Gods he knows he can doubt them no longer.

Absently, his hand strokes her hair and he finds he can't stop looking at her. The feel of Kara's hand on his shoulder as she steps up behind him and gazes at Alyssa as well is welcome and Lee steps back just a bit, bringing his body more fully into contact with hers.

"She's going to be fine, Lee. Kids get earaches all the time."

Smiling slightly, he turns, catching her hazel eyes with his blue. "Oh, and now who's the expert?"

She blushes and Lee feels a spike of desire at the adorable way her cheeks redden. "Well, that is what Cottle said."

His smile deepens and he takes a moment to stare. Kara is doing everything she can to avoid his eyes and it makes his heart hurt. He's worried the kiss they shared crossed a line and the last thing he wants is to go back – back to their standoffish relationship that never did anyone any good. He can remember the feel of her mouth under his and the way she fit so perfectly in his arms. He wants that again.

Resolving to say something – anything – Lee clears his throat and is interrupted as his father enters, a worried expression clouding his features.

"How is she?"

"She's fine, dad." Lee stifles the annoyance he feels at the intrusion. His father's arrival has caused Kara to back away, circling the crib to stand on Ally's other side; too far from Lee for his liking. "Just an earache."

"Has Cottle seen her?"

"Seen her, complained about it and gone back to his rack." Lee and his father share a smirk. They've both known Cottle for too many years to be bothered by his brash behavior.

"Well, that's good," Adama comments, his own gaze riveted to Ally. He takes a moment to stare at his granddaughter and then lifts his eyes to regard Kara. "Kara? Is everything all right?"

She looks flustered and Lee feels his own cheeks burn. He hasn't talked about this with his father, doesn't even know if the Old Man has any idea how much Kara means to him or to Ally and now he's put her in the middle of an unenviable situation.

"She's been a big help with Ally," Lee interjects quickly, grateful when his father's gaze returns to him. "Alyssa has really taken to her." He shifts his eyes to Kara and is again struck by the beauty of her as her face reddens a little. "Kara's wonderful with her."

"She's a good kid," Kara mumbles, her own eyes on the floor.

Thankfully, they are saved from further scrutiny as Alyssa stirs. Lee immediately leans over her crib, pressing a soft kiss to her cheek. "Shh, sweetie. You're okay." Ally's big brown eyes blink open, a bit of sleep evident in the corners as she focuses on her father's face. "Daddy," she breathes happily, reaching for him.

Lee lifts her easily and her head falls against his shoulder. It's obvious she's still tired from all the excitement. Finding her grandfather's smiling face over her father's shoulder, she smiles and murmurs, "Peepah."

Adama's grin could split his face, it's so wide and Lee feels pride at the way he's so readily fallen in love with his little girl.

Turning slightly, Lee brings Ally's gaze in line with Kara; he doesn't want his hero to be forgotten in all of this and he knows his daughter will be happy to see her. "And who's that?" he whispers, his eyes intent on Kara as Ally smiles.

"Mama."

Lee has never seen the color drain so readily from Kara's face. As the word registers and she repeats it again, uncertain as to why no one is talking, Kara backs up a step, her face as white as a sheet. Lee fears for a moment she might pass out, but with a speed he knows she's honed with years of practice, she bolts from the room, leaving both Adama men confused behind her.

"Mama?"

Ally's questioning tone brings Lee's gaze back to her and he smiles weakly. "That's Kara, Ally. You know that."

"Mama," the little girl reasserts, not at all convinced she's done anything wrong.

Lee swallows hard and meets his father's gaze. "I'd go after her son. She didn't look well."

Lee nods. His first impulse is always to go after Kara. Even if she runs from him screaming, he finds his feet following her – a moth to a flame someone had once said. Lee wishes it weren't true, because almost always, the moth gets burned.

"Will you?" He gestures to Ally and Adama takes her easily into his arms.

"We'll be fine." Adama smiles at his granddaughter, before giving one more order to Lee. "Go see to our girl."

Lee doesn't need to be told again.

---- ----

He finds her in the head closest to Lifestation splashing cold water on her face and looking no better. He's honestly never seen Kara this distraught, not even at Zak's funeral. He wishes he knew what was bothering her and wishes even more fervently that she might confide in him. He knows with Kara he'll more than likely get stonewalled and any chance they have for something more than their uneasy friendship will disappear.

He doesn't want it to disappear.

Entering the head, he closes the hatch and dogs it. No one should need this restroom at this time of night. He can tell the room is already empty – just him and Kara.

The thought fills him with dread and anticipation all at once.

"Are you all right?"

He watches her shoulders stiffen, her entire spine going rigid at the sound of his voice. She doesn't answer for a moment, simply reaches for a towel and slowly pats her face dry.

"Fine."

Frowning, Lee takes a few steps forward, stopping finally when he's at the counter. Turning, he leans against the sinks so he's facing her, his arms crossed over his chest. She is intently folding and refolding the towel she's used and apparently it takes a large amount of concentration. She refuses to meet his gaze.

"Except that you're not." He won't let her do this. He can't. Something is happening here and it's more than their common love for Alyssa. It's something between _them_ and Lee has never wanted to hold on to anything more. "What is it, Kara?"

She sighs. Lee watches her face as she does her best to school her features. After a moment, she brings her hazel eyes to meet his gaze and he almost flinches at the look there. It's hollow and sad and without much forethought, he reaches his hand out and cups her cheek.

She pulls away instantly and he pretends not to be hurt. "Kara, please talk to me. I can't take the fact that you keep shutting me out."

"You don't want to hear what I have to say." Her back is to him and Lee wishes she'd turn around.

"I wouldn't ask if I didn't want to know, Kara." He takes a step towards her and stops. "What is going on?"

Kara sighs heavily, her chin dropping to the top of her chest and most of the tension in her spine disappears with the exhalation. Now she just seems tired, defeated and Lee hates that almost as much as he hates the alternative.

"Nothing. Nothing is going on. You should go back to your daughter."

"Dad's with her." Kara will not use Ally as a shield. "She's fine. You're not, so I'm staying here."

"I don't want to tell you this." The admission comes so fast, Lee almost misses it.

Taking a hesitant step forward, he asks softly, "Tell me what?"

She stays quiet once more and Lee fights the urge to shake her to get answers. He's reached her by now, and he allows his hand to move forward and intertwine with hers. She doesn't shrug off the contact and he's glad. "Ally is just a little confused, Kara, that's why she called you mama."

He hears her sharp intake of breath and keeps going, worried Kara will pull away again. "But to be honest, I'm glad she thinks of you that way. I want the two of you to be close."

"I'm not fit to be anyone's mother, Lee." Kara's voice is still soft and he wants to see her face. But he doesn't force her to meet his gaze. He knows she will when she's ready.

"How can you say that? You're amazing with her." Kara remains silent and Lee finds it difficult to let the quiet remain. "I thought you liked spending time with her?"

Turning sharply, Kara meets his eyes with shining ones of her own and he knows she's fighting to keep tears in. His concern immediately skyrockets. The number of times he's seen Kara cry can be counted on one hand.

"I do, Lee. She's a beautiful little girl, but I can't do it anymore."

There's desperation in her voice and Lee is surprised when she grips both of his hands fiercely. "Why not, Kara?"

She holds her breath for a moment and Lee can see her struggle to keep the words in, to keep her secret. Then, in a rush of air, she lets it go, a few tears falling down her cheeks as well. "Because I don't deserve a second chance."

Lee's heart skips a beat at her words. He's frightened he doesn't understand and asking her to explain will simply push her over the edge. He's also slightly terrified that he does comprehend her meaning and that's almost worse.

"I had a baby, Lee."

The words are spoken evenly despite the slide of tears down her cheeks. Her eyes are haunted and Lee wants to take her pain away, but shock has frozen him in place.

"I had Zak's baby."

"What?" It's the only thought he can form and he sees Kara struggle to pull herself together as she backs away from him. He lets her go, fighting every instinct that tells him to keep holding on. But he needs time to process this. And he needs more answers.

"We found out I was pregnant about two months before graduation." Kara's voice is stilted. She's leaning against the sink counter, her hands palm down on the cold surface. Lee turns and watches her from behind.

"Why do you think Zak rushed to propose? To set a date?" Her tone is rueful and Lee winces at the pain in it. "We didn't tell anyone of course, our relationship was against regs already." Turning, she sighs and leans against the counter, arms across her chest. "We were going to announce it after the wedding."

Kara had been pregnant. Kara had carried Zak's child. The knowledge whirs through Lee's head and he finds himself taking a step back, doing his best to steady himself. It's unbelievable.

"What happened?"

"Zak died. I couldn't do it without him, Lee. I couldn't." The desperation's back and Lee meets her eyes as she finally looks at him. She's silently begging him for a forgiveness he doesn't know if he can grant. "My childhood, my mother – she was awful. I couldn't subject a child to that. I couldn't …"

"What did you do, Kara?" Lee has always considered himself pro-choice, but suddenly the thought that Kara might have chosen to have an abortion leaves him cold.

If Kara hears his unspoken accusation, she lets it pass. "I had the baby and I gave her up for adoption." Eyes again studying the floor, her arms are wrapped around her mid-section as if she's trying to protect the memory. "I had a girl, Lee. Zak and I had a daughter. And I gave her away."

"You gave her away?" Lee doesn't know where this anger is coming from, but he latches onto it. It masks the sympathy he feels for Kara and nullifies the pain her eyes are radiating. "She was part of Zak, Kara. The last part of Zak we could have had. How could you give her away?"

"You think I wanted to?" Kara's angry now as well and she straightens, eyes blazing as she stands toe to toe with him. "You think that was an easy choice for me, Lee? I loved Zak. I _loved_ him." Her voice falters on the words and she swallows hard before she can continue. "He promised me he would be there. He promised me forever, Lee and I took that away from him. I couldn't raise our baby alone. I didn't deserve her!"

Lee is stunned into silence and Kara takes a moment to breathe deep before continuing. "When they found Ally, I thought –" She chokes on the memory and Lee watches as she pulls from the reserve of strength he knows she keeps buried and then manages to continue. "I thought maybe – maybe the Gods had given me a second chance. Maybe she was mine."

With eyes full of sadness that steals Lee's breath, Kara gazes at him, a wry smile turning up the ends of her mouth. "But she's not my second chance, Lee. She's yours. And that's good." Her sad smile deepens. "The Gods made the right choice."

"Kara." He doesn't know what to say. There are no words of comfort that can make this better. He stares at her, watching in awe as she angrily wipes the tears from her face, trying to stop them completely. Unimpeded, they continue to fall down her cheeks.

Zak's face springs to mind unbidden and Lee can only imagine the kind of father his brother would have been. Better than Lee, that's for certain. He can see the family they'd make – Zak, Kara and their daughter and his heart hurts for what Kara's lost. He understands now how hard the past few months must have been for her and while he wants to stay angry, wants to think that he's entitled to some self-righteousness, he knows he isn't.

Because Alyssa could have easily died with Giane on Caprica if his ex-girlfriend hadn't also given up their child for adoption.

Stepping forward, Lee's unaware of his actions until his arms are around her and she's struggling to push him away. Lee holds tight, one hand cupping the back of her head, while the other is strongly wrapped around her waist.

"No." She's angry and hurting and grieving and Lee continues to hold on. "No, Lee. You can't forgive me for this. You can't."

"There's nothing to forgive, Kara." His voice is jerky, his own emotions riding close to the surface as he hears the pain in Kara's voice. "I abandoned Alyssa's mother when she was pregnant. I have no right to pass judgment on you or anyone."

"I gave her away, Lee. I gave away my last piece of Zak." It's a sob and Lee buries his face in her hair, letting his own tears wet the golden strands. She's stopped fighting him, her fists no longer punching futilely at his chest, but now wrapped around his back and holding tight.

"I know, Kara." Lee swallows hard and listens as she cries. It's more raw, more painful than the night he found her in Lifestation and the way her body shakes in his arms is almost too much to bear. Kara is broken and Lee doesn't know how he could have ignored it for so long. "But if you'd kept her, you'd be dead now too. You'd have been on Caprica during the attacks and then you'd both be gone."

She knows he's right. It's a fact Kara has used to console herself when the nights get too long and memories get too harsh. A Viper pilot with a baby is the height of oxymoronic and Kara knows that regardless of how much she loves flying, raising Zak's baby would have been her first priority. She would have stayed grounded to make sure she gave her daughter the best she had to give. And if she had, she'd be dead.

It's not much of a consolation.

"Kara." Lee's voice is rough, but steady and she pulls her thoughts from the sad place they've wandered to focus on him. Pulling back reluctantly, she meets his gaze and offers him the smallest smile. His hands are soft and warm against her cheek as he cradles her face. "Do you want to be a mother?"

The question is a surprise and Kara inhales sharply as the words and their ramifications sink in. Does she? The answer seemed easy only a few short months ago, but now, after the attacks and her return trip to Caprica and the discovery of Ally, it seems highly complicated.

What else is new?

Unable to answer, she lowers her eyes, fixating on Lee's dog tags, resting just above his heart. She shrugs and the sigh he releases tells her he's not happy with that answer.

"It could still happen, you know." He's trying to give her hope and Kara would love him for it if it wasn't so misguided. "You're pretty young, Starbuck. I'm sure there's still a chance for you to-"

She shakes her head violently, cutting off the statement. "No, Lee, there's not. There's no chance."

Suddenly, the warmth of his body is too much and his touch is smothering. She backs out of his arms quickly, sidestepping his reach as he tries to pull her back. "Kara, what are you talking about?" When she won't answer, his look of concern turns to one of horror. "Are you all right? Did the pregnancy-"

"Lee, don't." She finally brings her eyes to his and the pain radiating there must be enough to shut him up. The rest of the statement dies unsaid and as he takes a step closer, Kara simply shakes her head once more and bolts from the room.

---- ----

Lee makes it back to Ally and manages to deflect his father's questions. Making himself comfortable, Lee sits at his daughter's side, watching her sleep. Her cheeks are still flushed with a hint of red and he can't help but smile at the way her mouth has rounded into a perfect 'o' in her sleep. Her blonde curls and porcelain skin are all Giane and Lee feels another twinge of guilt for the woman he turned away so harshly years before.

After Zak's death, Lee had been despondent. When Giane had told him of her pregnancy, no less than a week after the funeral, Lee had been unable to cope. His handling of the situation was a regret he would take with him to his grave.

_She's your second chance, Lee._

Kara's words rang through his head. Alyssa is his second chance, it's true. He can't believe his good fortune. He never thought being a single parent could be so joyous, but at the same time, he can no longer imagine his life without Ally in it.

Just as he can no longer imagine his life without Kara. He wants answers which isn't surprising. The more Kara keeps from him, the more desperate Lee becomes to find the truth. It's been a bone of contention in their relationship for years. He pushes and she backs away. She challenges him and he hits back – hard. Lee has wondered how two people so obviously stubborn can also be so incredibly perfect for one another.

He never thought he'd see it that way. Lee has never believed in soul mates or fate or any of it. But now, he feels he has little choice. What else besides fate could have conspired to bring his daughter to him? What other explanation can there be for the indelible presence of Kara in his life except the fact that she is his other half?

Ally stirs, forcing Lee to focus on his daughter. Gently, he caresses her forehead and watches as the tiny wrinkles between her eyes smooth out once more and she falls into a deep sleep. Despite the awe with which he regards her, Lee's own body soon loses its battle with sleep and he joins her.

---- ----

Kara slips through Lifestation unnoticed. It's barely morning yet and so the nighttime staff is still milling about, finishing up their rounds and completing charts.

She had tried to go back to her bunk and sleep, but her conversation with Lee and the memories it evoked were too much to bear. After pacing the ship for hours and then trying to work out some of her agitation in the gym, Kara realized that she was simply avoiding the inevitable.

Approaching Ally's small, curtained off room, she steals herself for the coming confrontation. It will be ugly and messy and highly emotional – things Kara avoids at all costs. But knowing she had left things with Lee on such shaky ground hours before had only served to distract her more. She can't stand the thought of losing this easy friendship they've gained since her return from Caprica.

Taking a deep breath, she pushes the curtain aside.

"Hi."

Alyssa's small voice catches Kara by surprise and she focuses on the little girl. She's sitting on her knees in the bed, her sleeping father slumped forward in the chair at her side. It's obvious she is wide awake and Lee is not.

Holding a finger to her lips, Kara approaches them both. "Shhh."

Ally mimics the gesture and Kara's smile deepens.

"Daddy. Sleep."

Kara nods before her gaze guiltily drifts to Lee. He looks all of about ten when he's sleeping, peaceful and unencumbered by the demands of war and the responsibilities of command. He's obviously dead to the world, not even flinching as she draws near or Ally plays idly with his dog tags.

"You wanna come with me?"

Kara is close enough to speak in a pseudo-whisper and she opens her arms to Ally. The little girl nods eagerly and Kara reaches across Lee to scoop her up.

"We need to let Daddy sleep."

Kara speaks the words quietly into Alyssa's hair and takes her across the room to a rocking chair. The pediatric section of Lifestation has a few amenities the others don't and Kara finds the gentle rocking of the seat coupled with Ally's presence comforting.

They pass a few minutes in silence, Ally's hands easily fingering Kara's dog tags, before drifting to play with the ends of her hair. Finally, she turns baleful brown eyes to Kara, rubbing at one with her tiny fist, and murmurs, "Mama, story."

Kara's heart clenches at the sound of 'mama' coming from Ally's lips. She wishes it were true, more than Ally or Lee could ever imagine. But it's a reality she lost her rights to years ago when she gave Zak's baby away. And since her time in the Cylon's butcher shop, it's become even less likely. Shaking away the melancholy, Kara resolves to mention something to Lee about it when he awakes; regardless of how they feel, it can't be healthy to keep confusing Ally like that.

For now though, she tucks the little girl closer and obliges her. "A story, huh?" Kara doesn't really know any good stories. Her mother had never been one for fairytales.

Alyssa has snuggled more securely into Kara's body and with those large eyes, she stares at her expectantly.

Taking a deep breath, Kara gives it a shot. "All right, little one. A story. Once upon a time, there was a little girl. She was beautiful and smart and loved to play games and dance-"

"Me dance," Ally interjects and Kara kisses her forehead.

"I know, and so did this little girl. One day though she got very sad because her father, whom she loved very much had to leave her with the Wicked Queen."

"Uh-oh."

"Uh-oh is right. So, the little girl stopped playing and laughing and dancing and the Wicked Queen was very mean to her all the time. It made the little girl very sad."

Kara looks down quickly to be sure she hasn't scarred the child, but Ally is still engrossed, so she continues.

"Then one day, when the little girl was a big girl, she left the Wicked Queen behind. She traveled very far all by herself, but soon she came to a town full of people and they were happy and kind and they liked the girl and she found a home there. But she was still sad."

"Why?"

"Well, because even though she'd met some nice people, she was still lonely. She didn't have any friends or family-"

"Or mama or daddy," Ally adds, her eyes wide and full of such trust and innocence that Kara is humbled.

"Nope, nobody." She adjusts the little girl on her lap and gently rubs her back, a small smile crossing Kara's face as she continues her tale.

"But then, the girl got very lucky, because she met a very sweet, very handsome boy. And this boy loved her and wanted to be with her always." Zak's smiling face swims in her vision and Kara finds herself warmed by the sight for the first time in a while. "They were very happy together, but one day, there was a terrible accident and the boy died."

"Girl sad?"

"Very sad, but she wasn't for long because the boy's father was very kind to her and loved her and watched after her.

"And then, the girl got to be even happier."

"How?"

Kara smiles big and watches as Alyssa's eyes start to droop. Even though she wants to know more, Kara can see the pull of sleep slowly seeping into her features. Kara guesses it'll be a race to see if she can finish the story before she's asleep.

"Yeah, Kara. How?"

Blinking rapidly, Kara's head snaps up at the unexpected sound of Lee's sleepy voice. She finds him still in the chair, his unbelievably blue eyes now open and looking at her. He's sitting up, rubbing absently at his neck as he regards them both. She can see the small smile on his face and returns it even as she feels her cheeks flush red from being caught in the middle of her self-indulgent story.

"Daddy, shh." Ally scolds him, causing Kara to giggle. "Mama tell story."

"M'sorry, sweetheart." Lee appears contrite and Ally is satisfied with his apology. "Please continue," he invites and she knows this time his smile is smug; Ally might be too young to get the parallels between Kara's life and the heroine of her story, but Lee's not. He knows where this is heading and it's obvious he's loving it.

Frak.

"Well, where was I?" The question is full of sarcasm, but as that's a tone Ally hasn't quite mastered yet, she answers her. "Little girl happy."

"That's right, she was." Kara finds it easier to continue looking at Alyssa, even though avoiding Lee's gaze doesn't abate the intense scrutiny it elicits.

"She had a really great job and an adoptive father, but then she got an even better gift." She pauses to fortify her courage, hoping it only appears as a device to increase the dramatic effect. "She got a best friend."

Ally doesn't look convinced that this is a gift, but as Kara braves a look at Lee, she knows he gets it. His expression borders on unreadable, but she can see something shining in his eyes and finds her breath stolen for a moment. Swallowing hard, she continues, forcing the tremor from her voice. "And the girl and her best friend, they did everything together; worked and played and laughed. And the girl knew that she could always count on him, no matter how hard life got."

"Happy ever after?" Alyssa knows enough about stories to know that's how they end.

Kara wishes she could just say yes and not worry about the ramifications, but Lee's gaze hasn't wavered once and she feels so much is riding on what she does or doesn't say in the next few seconds.

Before she can puzzle out the best answer, Lee clears his throat. "I think so, Ally."

As Kara's eyes meet his, Lee smiles and she feels her heart breathe a sigh of relief. "I think so."

---- ----


	9. Chapter 9

Live to Regret – Chapter 9

A/N: So sorry for the long delay everyone! The holidays and cons sucked up my time and I got a bit of writer's block – luckily, Razor dislodged that right quick. Now, I've got a ton of Kara/Lee story ideas – still no time to write them, but details, details ...

Just in case you don't remember, here's a quick summary of this story:

Title: Live to Regret

Pairing: Lee/Kara

Rating: T+ (We'll be moving into M territory soon, kiddies.)

Disclaimer: I don't own it, I don't claim it and I would be very sad if anyone said otherwise.

Summary: Lee and Kara find that choices they made before the end of the worlds have far-reaching consequences.

---- ----

"Now, listen up, nugget."

Ally's wide brown eyes study Kara intently and all she can do is smile. "The Chief needs my help, so we have to go to the flight deck."

"Yay, vipers!" Ally's squeal of delight at the prospect of seeing planes is definitely something she inherited from her father.

"That's right, but it's also dangerous. And since your father practically had an aneurysm last time I took you there, we've got to be extra careful."

"No play?" Ally's pouting lip is big enough to land a raptor on and Kara stifles a chuckle.

"Oh, don't worry, little one. We'll play, we've just got to be really careful."

"Okay, mama."

It still gets her every time. Lee and Kara have tried to break her of the habit over the past few weeks, but Alyssa is undeterred. Kara is with her when she goes to bed at night and is often one of the first people she sees when she wakes in the morning. Kara plays with her and feeds her and holds her when she cries and to a two-year-old all of those instances create a parental connection.

Kara doesn't mind and she's been more than a little relieved to realize Lee doesn't either. Their relationship hasn't escalated much – the kiss they shared and a few nights cuddling on his couch are as intimate as they've become – but things are a little easier between them now. Since Kara spilled her secret, she feels a great weight has lifted off her chest. She feels free for the first time in a long time, and the guilt no longer chokes her at regular intervals.

Lee wants her to tell the Old Man, but she's hesitant. There is only so much heartache Bill Adama can take. She knows she'll have to eventually, but for now, she's glad Lee has made the choice her own. She has to do it in her own time.

Just as she needs to decide where her relationship with Lee is going – in her own time.

The hangar deck is a beehive of activity as always. Readjusting her hold on Alyssa, Kara takes a circuitous route to reach the Chief, avoiding the heavy machinery, sparking blowtorches and less-than-observant knuckledraggers.

Ally waves to the friends she's made, clapping her hands as Helo, prepping his Raptor for maneuvers, makes a funny face at her. Kara wonders if the child has the entire crew wrapped around her little finger. One glance down to her angelic face and it's easy to see why.

"Hey Chief." Kara eyes the Viper he's working on warily, noting the copious amounts of its innards scattered across the deck. As Tyrol turns to her, his large grin sets Kara on edge. The man is always jovial, but his smile seems out of place considering the mountain of work before him.

"Lieutenant." His smile widens as he approaches Ally, tickling her under her chin. "Hey, Als."

"Chee!" She still hasn't quite mastered "fs" yet, but no one minds.

"So, what do you need?" Kara would much prefer to spend her day with Ally, playing and telling stories. Despite how much she loves Vipers, this is her only day off for the next week. Lee hadn't even wanted to ask her to watch Ally, but truthfully, there isn't anything else Kara would rather do.

Which is why she wants to help the Chief and get the frak out of here.

Tyrol's face blanches for a second before he recovers and Kara feels a bit of nerves. Something's not right. "Actually, Starbuck, I think Cally's got the instructions …" He turns to flag Cally down and Kara takes a moment to give Alyssa a skeptical look.

"I think someone's playing a joke on us," she whispers, kissing the girl's hair.

"Funny?" Ally asks, eyes sparkling as she waits for the punch line.

"We'll see."

"Hey, Lieutenant." Cally approaches, all smiles as well, but that's not unusual. "You made it down here in record time."

"Yeah, I'm a regular gazelle." Kara's frowning and she's concerned she's going to be the butt of joke she won't like. "What's up?"

"I was asked to give this to you." Cally extends a hand, a folded piece of paper in it.

Kara eyes it for a moment before taking it, keeping Ally firmly planted against her hip.

"This had better be good," she mumbles, still unnerved by the ridiculous grins that Cally and the Chief are sporting.

As Kara opens the paper she immediately recognizes the neat, even handwriting. Smiling slightly despite herself, she begins to read:

_Kara,_

_Don't kill Cally or the Chief. They were only doing as I asked. Now, hand Alyssa over to Cally. She's going to be spending the night with her._

Confused, Kara's eyes meet Cally's and the Specialist shrugs. "The Captain asked and I wasn't going to pass up the chance to spend some time with this cutie."

Cally reaches for Alyssa who willingly goes to her. The two girls were fast friends months ago. It seems that Cally's talent with ships somehow translates to toddlers as well.

With her arms suddenly empty, Kara glances to the paper and keeps reading.

_I know you're probably pissed at me, but I promise this'll be worth it. Now, get on the Raptor that Helo's piloting. I'll be waiting._

_Lee_

_P.S. Don't kill Helo either._

Kara re-reads the note at least five times, still a bit stunned. Does Lee honestly believe she's just going to follow his instructions? Sure, he's her commanding officer, but she's off-duty and he's not here and he can just – Oh! He can be so frustrating.

"Is he serious?"

"I think so, Kara."

She turns to find Helo smiling at her, that stupid goofy grin that had made him her best friend years ago. "He even stashed a bag of your gear on the Raptor. He's got something planned."

Kara's annoyance dissipates in a second as nervousness replaces it. He packed her a bag – Kara can only think of two reasons why he'd do that and both end up with her naked – and in Lee's arms.

She shivers slightly at the thought. She shouldn't be so excited at the prospect. It's not as if she hasn't had a healthy sex life. But still, since Caprica and Anders, she's been abstinent, refusing to let anyone get that close. She tells herself it's because she needs to heal after the miscarriage, make sure the doc's drugs are working again. But in truth, Kara knows she's just unwilling to let any man that close.

Unless his name happens to be Lee Adama.

"This is not a good idea," she murmurs, meeting Helo's laughing eyes with worried ones of her own.

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, Helo hugs her briefly to his side. "Maybe it's not. But, it could also be the best idea anyone's ever had." She bites her lower lip, trying to force the butterflies in her stomach to fly in formation as he kisses her head and adds, "You won't know until you get on that ship."

Kara glances up to him and gives him a weak smile, before turning to regard Alyssa. She's grinning from ear to ear, almost as if she can understand what they're talking about. Could she know? Could she somehow sense that her father was about to do something monumentally stupid and brave that could result in Kara being a part of her life forever?

It's ridiculous, of course. Ally doesn't know anything, but Kara feels her heart warming at the sight of the girl's big smile and her inner resolve strengthens.

Stepping away from Helo, she straightens, throwing back her shoulders with her usual Starbuck aplomb. Moving towards Ally and giving her a kiss and a quick hug, she glances back to her friend. "I guess it's time to find out."

---- ----

"Take me back to Galactica."

Helo turns to regard her with the most incredulous expression she's ever seen. "Excuse me?"

"Are you deaf?" Kara Thrace doesn't chicken out, so this moment of weakness has her on the defensive. "Take me back to Galactica."

Helo's eyebrows have disappeared into his hairline, but despite her demand, he still settles the Raptor gently on the deck of Cloud Nine. Turning to face her, he crosses his arms over his chest and trades in his disbelief for smugness. "No."

Kara flattens her mouth into a thin line and glares, but he won't budge. "I can fly back myself, you know."

He nods. "But you won't."

She snorts, hating that Helo knows her that well. "Oh really? And why not?"

"Because you don't want to be on Galactica." Helo rises, towering over her and making her feel like a little kid. Resting his hands on her shoulders, he meets her gaze and smiles. "You want to be here, because here is where Apollo is."

Gods, she wishes he was wrong. Kara would give just about anything to throw Helo's romantic notions back in his face, anything to stop feeling so raw, but she can't. Because he's right and she wants to see Lee. She desperately wants to see if her life might finally fall into place.

"Frak."

Helo laughs at her muttered curse before reaching into his flight suit and pulling something from a hidden pocket. "And, in case you need more incentive …"

She takes the note and tells herself her hand is shaking because she missed lunch. Swallowing hard, Kara opens it, reads and smiles.

_Come on, Kara. You've come this far._

_Get off the raptor._

_Lee_

Unable to hide her smile, Kara tucks the note away and heads for the hatch. Helo's behind her with her bag in hand.

He hits the release and Kara steals herself. Seeing Lee always makes her nervous, but her current level of anticipation is dizzying and she's starting to wonder if her body can handle the anxiety. She feels the warm steady support of Helo's hand between her shoulder blades and takes a deep breath.

Of course she can do this.

Then the door opens and she sees Lee.

---- ----

Lee watches the Raptor, not at all surprised that it takes Kara longer than normal to disembark. He figures there's a fifty-fifty chance that she's stalling to make him sweat or hesitating because she's really nervous. He doesn't know which option he prefers.

He took a gamble, arranging this and he knows it. No one dictates to Kara Thrace, least of all her more-than-friend who's trying to become an even bigger part of her life. But he knew they'd cleared the first hurdle the minute Cally called to tell him she'd left with Helo. Lee's pretty confident he can do the rest – he just needed her to take the first step.

Praying he's not being overconfident, he takes a few steps closer to the Raptor as the hiss of the hydraulic release sounds. Lee's owes Helo a whole battlestar full of lollipops.

His heart pounds as the door opens ever so slowly and then she's right there before him, looking radiant and nervous and excited all at once. Her hazel eyes are warm and soft as they alight to his face, but he can tell how anxious she is as she traps her lower lip between her teeth.

It takes an actual push from Helo to get her to walk, and she does with a halting step until they're only a few steps from one another. Lee simply smiles, allowing the happiness and love he feels for this woman to shine through the gesture. As Kara tentatively returns the grin, he reaches for her hand, holding it firmly in his own.

"Hi."

She sucks in a sharp breath and then releases it slowly. Her entire face relaxes as she breathes, "Hi."

Helo regards them both with a shake of his head before dropping Kara's bag at Lee's feet.

"You kids have fun," he teases before getting back in his ship and heading out.

Kara and Lee ignore him and continue to stare.

---- ----

The length of time they stare would be comical if either of them could take a deep breath without releasing a nervous laugh. Finally, it's Lee who breaks the stalemate knowing he's the one who's orchestrated this whole thing.

"So?"

Kara's eyes twinkle slightly. "So."

Lee clears his throat and shifts nervously on his feet and then forces himself to put his plan in motion. "We should drop your stuff at the room."

He reaches down and grabs her bag, taking a step towards the exit. Kara doesn't follow and he turns back to meet her knowing smirk. "What?"

"What exactly did you think was going to happen here, flyboy?"

She's teasing him, he can tell, but the implication still makes him blush. In truth, Lee intends to wine and dine her and then frak her until she realizes they belong together. He's worried if he actually admits that though, he might get slapped.

Or, more than likely, punched.

Feeling a twinge of sympathy pain in his jaw, he steps closer, lowering his voice. "Whatever you want, Kara. Yeah, maybe I made an assumption, but if you want us to get separate rooms, I'll-"

She silences the rest of the statement with a gentle kiss that steals his breath. Her hand rests lightly against his cheek as she pulls away and smiles at him – a genuine Kara smile that he's seen maybe a handful of times. "Relax, Lee. I was kidding."

He releases a heavy sigh and flashes his famous grin before stealing one more kiss and reaching for her hand. "Then, let's go."

---- ----

Cloud Nine isn't known as the most luxurious ship in the fleet by accident. The accommodations are comfortable and rich, while the restaurants are still able to serve food delicacies like meat and fresh vegetables. As she savors a bite of steak, Kara has never been more grateful for the ship's stasis units.

It's been so long since she's been out for a night, able to relax and just let go, the feeling is heady. Of course, the wine Lee purchased for them is probably helping – but for once, Kara doesn't care.

For once, she wants to be happy and she's willing to enjoy it. She wants to know what it is that others feel, day in and day out. People who don't fly into the eye of the storm on a regular basis or lay their lives on the line like they're changing shoes. Kara wants to know what it's like to feel comfortable and free.

And maybe loved.

She glances across the table at Lee, smiling as he catches her eyes and offers her a small grin. Their conversation has been easy and light all evening and she's grateful. They've talked about Ally, laughing at shared memories of her cutest moments, groaning at their remembered tribulations when she refused to go to bed or wouldn't stop crying.

Kara is content and happy.

As usual, that's when the rug gets pulled out from underneath her.

"Hey, Kara."

"Hey, Lee." She mocks him gently, smiling wide until she catches the serious glint in his blue eyes. Her face drops and she steals herself for his next statement. She doesn't know what he'll say, but she knows it'll be bad.

"Can we talk about something?"

She shrugs, suddenly losing her appetite. She lowers her full fork back to her plate and reaches for her wine, taking a large sip.

"Don't do that."

She hates the tone in his voice. "Do what?" So, of course, she's defensive.

"Pull away." Lee reaches across the table, covering her hand with his before she can snatch it back. She hates the fact that he's so warm and how much she enjoys the contact of his skin on hers. "I just want to talk, no big deal."

Kara knows what he's going to ask, knows before he even opens his mouth.

"It's what you want to talk about that I'm not thrilled about."

"I want to talk about what happened on Caprica."

At this very moment, she hates being right.

Kara works her jaw, fighting the urge to scream. He always does this, pushes until Kara has to retreat. She wishes it wasn't her first and only way to deal, but it is, and she can't change it and he's just going to have to get over it.

"Un-frakkin'-believable," She grinds out, rising and throwing her napkin on the table. As Lee shrinks away from her, she can tell that the anger she feels is being effectively communicated through her eyes.

Without another glance back, she storms out of the restaurant, barely aware of where she's heading and not caring if Lee is following. Why does Lee have to push? Doesn't he have enough of her? Isn't knowing about her baby and her mother and everything else that's happened in her crummy life enough?

Of course not, it's never enough. Not for Lee.

Lee Adama, poster child of the fleet. Golden boy and ace pilot and Kara's equal in every way that counts. A man she's loved for far too long – a man who's gotten far too close and a man she's afraid she cannot live without.

She finally stops, fighting to regain her temper as she breathes in and out angrily. Pausing, she stares at the mottled sky, visible through the transparent canopies of the observatory. She sees the stars all the time, knows their shapes and positions and constellations better than anything. Often, they calm her, which is why she much prefers flying to anything else. But it's not working now, now when she really needs a moment of peace.

Stalking across the grass, she finds the fountain she and Lee frolicked around so long ago and keeps pacing a circular path around its base. Other couples enjoying the evening give her a wide berth and Kara scowls at any that try to get too close.

"Kara."

He sighs her name as if it's a hardship and she wants to turn and smack him. Clenching her fists at her sides tightly, she whirls and faces him, finding the concerned and exasperated look she knows so well written all over his face.

That's it – she's done.

"No." She crosses to him in a few steps, getting so close to his face that she can see each bit of stubble along his jaw. Raising her finger, she wags it at him, knowing it'll annoy him. "You don't get to be disappointed or annoyed or whatever the hell you are right now. Not when this is your fault. Not when _you_, not _me_, ruined our night."

"Why? Because I just want to talk?"

"Because you can't leave well enough alone!" Her voice carries and they get a few strange glances. Kara ignores them while Lee nods in deference, trying to convey a silent apology. Typical.

His gaze hardens a little as he readies himself to go toe to toe with her. "I want to help you, Kara. That's all. That's why I'm asking." He raises his hands showing them palms up in an effort to look non-threatening. "No ulterior motive, Kara. No other purpose than wanting to ease your pain."

She snorts, crosses her arms over her chest and fights the urge to also roll her eyes. "First of all, don't patronize me. Secondly, you can't _ease_ my pain, Lee. What happened, happened and I have to deal with it. End of story."

Lee thinks about firing off a quick retort, continuing to build his angry momentum. With more will power than he thought he possessed, he resists the urge. Taking a deep breath, he meets Kara's challenging gaze with a calm one of his own. Closing the small distance between them, he wraps his hands gently around her upper arms and holds her gaze.

"_We_ have to deal with it, Kara. Not just you." When she tries to pull away, he simply tightens his grip, not hard enough to bruise, but hard enough to keep her still. "That's what couples do."

"Haven't you made enough assumptions for one day?"

She snipes back so fast Lee doesn't have time to prepare for the retort. He releases her quickly, backing up a step as the coldness of her statement registers. Kara forces her expression to harden, forces herself not to show how disappointed she is that he let go.

Kara always thought Lee wouldn't let go – that's what would make him different. He would hold on until she had no choice but to give in.

_This is what you do, Kara. You push so hard and no one has the strength to push back. _

Kara really wanted Lee to be strong enough.

"Why can't you trust me?"

His voice is injured, rough with a variety of emotions Kara can barely name. Against her better judgment she meets his gaze and feels her breath freeze in her chest. He looks so hurt and Kara realizes that once again she's the person who's caused him pain.

"This was a mistake."

She basically sprints past him, unable to stomach the sight of him for another minute. Using every bit of restraint she has to not break into a run, Kara speed walks to the room Lee had shown her before. Grateful she'd insisted on a key, she opens the door and looks around hurriedly for her bag. The room is blurry and Kara blinks a few times before she realizes she's crying.

With a heavy sigh, she finds her bag and sinks onto the end of the bed, her hand wrapping around the handles. The blue and red carpet turns into a muddy purple as more silent tears form in her eyes and Kara doesn't even bother trying to wipe them away. She simply continues to stare and try not to feel the pain that's choked her heart.

---- ----


	10. Chapter 10

Live to Regret – Chapter 10

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A/N: First of all, I'm not sure where this smut came from – it's been a few months since I've written any and this is my first Lee/Kara smut. I hope you like it!

Secondly, thanks for all the great feedback and encouragement. I'm so glad everyone is digging this story. The ending has greatly evolved from what I had initially intended, so it's really gratifying to know it still works – especially for these two crazy pilots!

I have an epilogue I could post after this, but it might be superfluous now. That being said, I'll probably tweak it and post it in some form or another soon.

Enjoy – and please keep commenting! This is my longest BSG fic to date – over 100 pages! – and I need to know if you want to read anymore of my Kara/Lee stories. I've got some in the hopper!

TamSibling

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When Lee finally makes it to the room he takes a moment to breathe deep before entering. He hadn't passed Kara on the way, so he knows she's still in there. He's already said a handful of prayers that that's a good sign.

Stealing himself for whatever vitriol Kara might throw at him, Lee opens the door and carefully shuts it behind him, before daring to raise his eyes and find her.

He's seen Kara in various states of distress throughout their friendship: Zak's death, the end of the worlds, her knee injury, Caprica, the discovery of Ally. But at this moment, Lee's not sure what he's seeing. She's not sobbing as she had in Life Station that night, and she's not raving like she has so many times before. Instead, she's simply sitting, crying quietly and being still.

It's the absence of movement that bothers him the most.

Lee takes another step closer and then stops, wiping suddenly sweaty palms on his pant legs. He can do this – he loves her, end of story. The rest of it will work out. Its naïve, but he still believes it.

"I didn't mean to upset you." His voice sounds rough in the silence of the room and he clears his throat before he continues. "I'm sorry."

She sniffles, wiping the back of her hand across her face. "Did you just apologize to me, Apollo?" He can hear the tease in her voice, but it's not convincing. "That's a first."

"I can be taught." He teases back, risking another step closer. He aches to hold her, feels that he can fill the hollowness he sees in her eyes if she'll just let him in. Let him into her heart – why does it have to be so hard?

Sitting gingerly on the bed beside her, he doesn't miss how she shimmies away from him, making sure to keep at least six inches of space between them. Clasping his hands in his lap, he stares at nothing and wishes he knew what else to say.

"I am sorry."

He's not even sure she's heard him, but after an interminably long silence, the sound of her heavy sigh permeates the room. "I just don't understand why you can't drop this."

"Really, Kara?" Lee knows his voice has hardened just the tiniest bit, but he doesn't care. He doesn't understand her most of the time, so this is justifiable payback. "You really don't understand why I want to know about Caprica?"

"Is this about Sam?"

Of course, she'd throw her one-week frak in his face. Sighing, Lee scrubs his face hard with his hands and counts to ten so he doesn't say something else to send her running. "No, Kara, this is not about Sam."

"Good."

"But if it was," Lee continues, his tone full of warning. "There wouldn't be a damn thing you could do about it. It is okay for me to be jealous."

"You? Jealous? Over little old me?" Kara turns to face him, her eyes glistening with a bit of their old spark, but Lee finds it grating. She's teasing his emotions, trying to penalize him for loving her. He's done feeling bad about that.

"Kara, don't be coy. It doesn't become you."

"Frak you."

"That does seem to be the popular opinion." Lee sighs heavily again and then rises, pacing away from her. "Kara, we have to move past this. I don't want the Cylons to be the reason we can't be together."

There; he said it.

"They're not the reason, Lee." Her eyes are flashing again, this time with anger. Rising, she stands before him. "_You're_ the reason. You can't just accept that bad things happen, bad things happen to me and there's not a damn thing you can do about it."

"I can't fix it, but maybe I can help you through it." Lee is pleading with her, his eyes searching hers for the missing link – the link between the logical side of Kara's brain and the emotional. "Admitting what happened won't make you weak, you know that."

"Me not telling you doesn't mean I don't trust you. You know that."

Lee wishes he believed her. Kara has entrusted her life to him numerous times, both in the cockpit and on the battlefield. But never once has Lee thought Kara's trusted him with her heart.

And to Lee that's the only way he'll ever know she's truly committed to what they have.

"No, Kara, I don't." He sighs once more and then turns, unable to stomach the look of anger and disappointment that flashes across her face before it's replaced with sadness. "I actually don't know that."

There is silence again, deafening quiet and Lee struggles not to break it first. It's time for her to come clean. It's time for Kara to admit some things.

"So typical." She's still angry, he can hear it in her voice, but he refuses to be baited and simply waits. He doesn't wait long.

"The minute someone doesn't rise up to your standards, you dismiss them." Kara sighs heavily and Lee hears what sounds like a stifled sob. As he turns back to regard her, he sees the way she's pressed her hand to her mouth and knows she's close to losing it. He forces his body to stay still. "It's never enough, Lee."

The pure sound of defeat in her tone causes him to move towards her, his feet crossing the small distance to her side in seconds. He reaches for her, more hurt than he can rightly convey when she pulls away, anger and betrayal welling in her eyes. "I'm never enough."

"That's not true, Kara." Lee reaches for her again and cups her cheeks in his hands, refusing to let her pull away this time. "You are more than enough for me. More than I ever thought I'd have."

"Then why can't you let this go?" Kara's begging him, and Lee swallows hard. She doesn't beg, not ever. "Please, Lee, for me. Let this go."

He sighs again, his forehead resting against hers. She doesn't back away this time and Lee takes another step closer so their bodies are touching from shoulder to knee.

"That's low, Kara." It's not an accusation, just a defeated admission of the truth.

She swallows hard. "Please, Lee. I can't go through it again. If I tell you what happened, it'll be real and I'll never be able to forget it."

He presses a kiss to her temple as he feels her body tremble. With a heavy heart he knows he's lost this battle. He wishes so much of their relationship couldn't be defined by wins and losses. But Kara is a born fighter and Lee is a conditioned one. They have been fighting their own personal wars for so long that it's a wonder either of them ever find a moment's peace. Especially with each other.

"I'm not trying to hurt you, Kara." His lips whisper against her forehead and he feels an indefinable swell of relief when her arms wrap around his torso. Burying her face into his neck, she exhales heavily and holds him tighter. "And don't ever think you're not good enough." He waits a beat and then swallows his pride, courage, ego and half a dozen other things he's fairly certain he'll never miss. Not if Kara feels the same. "I love you."

She inhales sharply, but instead of pulling away as Lee had feared, her grip on him tightens. "I love you," she breathes against his neck and his body tingles from the warmth. In the next moment he's shivering again as her hot mouth turns to suck at the skin of his neck, her tongue running lightly over a bit of stubble there.

Lee tightens his arms around her and moves one of his hands into her hair as the other travels down her back and cups her bottom. She moans low in her throat as the movement brings their hips into intimate contact and Lee begins to trail his own line of kisses down her cheek until his tongue flicks out to tempt the corner of her mouth.

Kara's eyes are still closed as she turns her face to meet his, lips parting slightly as his mouth descends over hers. She moans again and this time shifts her body until there is not an inch of space between them. She's worked her arms around his neck and her fingers trail through his hair as her tongue tentatively reaches out for his. Lee meets it eagerly, wishing he could consume all of Kara Thrace. There has to be a way to keep her here like this, warm and whole and loving.

Lee dismisses the thought as he pulls away for a moment to catch his breath. Meeting her eyes, he sees love there and warmth, but also determination and some of that Starbuck fierceness that first attracted him to her. He loves all of Kara, even the hard, daring, risk-taking pilot and the confrontational bitch. He'll take the whole package – there is no other way to be with her and Lee needs to be with her.

"Kara, I-"

He can't finish the statement because she's kissing him again and Lee's brain is no longer dictating his actions. His body has taken over, running on pure instinct and need. As Kara's hand descends along his back, he tenses slightly as she finds the waistband of his pants and slips her cool fingers along the heated skin of his backside. Squeezing tight, she uses the moment of his surprise to once again possess his mouth with her tongue.

Lee is lost.

---- ----

Kara had known it would feel like this – uncontrollable and controlled, wild and calm. The minute she and Lee shared their first kiss, she had known their coming together would be a ridiculous combination of passion and love.

But even knowing hadn't prepared Kara for all she's feeling.

It's a wonder her body hasn't exploded from his sheer presence. His warm, muscled arms are so tight about her waist that she feels as though she'll never fall. His hands are calloused, but sure as they trace along her ribcage before pushing up and under her shirt to cup her breasts. His fingers are gentle, but demanding as they find first one nipple and then the other and tease them both until her only response is to whimper for more.

Kara isn't sure who moves towards the bed first, but before long she is lying back and watching him undress. His blue, blue eyes, darkened now with desire and love, never leave her hazel ones as he slowly unbuttons his shirt and lets it drop to the floor. He reaches for his pants, and removes them just as slowly, causing Kara to squirm with anticipation. As his straining erection is revealed, still within the confines of his boxers, Kara can't stay still. He sucks in sharply as she cups him, grinning wide when he finally releases a low, feral groan that hits her right between her legs.

She's already throbbing with want when he leans over her. Hands resting on either side of her head, his eyes hold hers as he drops his hips against her, smiling softly as she rolls her hips to meet his and cries out with delight at the delicious pressure that continues to build. She wants this so badly, more than she can remember ever wanting anything.

Afraid he'll disappear, afraid something else will shatter this moment for them, ruin their night, Kara reaches for him, gripping his strong arms tightly as she raises her mouth to find his. While her kiss is desperate, his is reassuring and she relaxes into it as Lee continues to make promises with his mouth that she prays he will keep – through tonight and beyond.

Kara's body is primed and she arches again as one of his hands wanders down her chest, caressing her breast through the fabric of her shirt. With one hand, Lee works at the buttons and gets them free, his eyes sparking with something akin to hunger as he exposes her skin.

She continues to touch him, her hands running through his hair and down his back, fingers trailing over his collarbone and down to his abs as he lowers his head to her stomach and traces slow, lazy patterns with his tongue on her skin. Kara closes her eyes as the sensation sends another pulse to her core and tries to keep herself from falling over the edge too soon.

Pausing in his ministrations to push her pants down, Kara helps him get them off, returning the favor by relieving Lee of his underwear. He is bare to her now and Kara drinks her fill. She knows he's a God among men – call signs are given for a reason – but it's almost ridiculous how pretty he is. She reaches for him, encircling his erection slowly, pulling steadily until his eyes roll into the back of his head.

At moments like this, Kara very much enjoys being a girl.

Lee's hand closes over hers and with Herculean strength, he pulls her hand away, entwining their fingers as he presses his body back into hers and effectively pins her to the mattress. He nibbles at her throat, biting slightly at her neck, before laving his tongue over the area to remove the sting. Kara bites her lip, doing her best to stay still, but finding it impossible as his mouth trails up to her earlobe and his teeth again start to nibble.

She moves her hand down and around his back, pushing at his hips with all her might. He fights her for a moment, but soon the awkward position works against him and he falls, his hard cock rubbing expertly over her covered folds. Kara wants Lee to frak her right this frakkin' minute.

"Lee …" She's panting and she can barely recognize her own voice. Her lips press against his temple and down to his cheek, her tongue tracing as far as it can down his neck, catching beads of sweat as it goes. "Please," she breathes into his ear, twisting beneath him and rubbing against him.

He pulls back after a moment and rises himself on his elbows. Kara shivers slightly as his distance causing a draft of air to pass between them and it forces her eyes open. She bites her lip again at the look that greets her. His blue eyes are still full of desire and love, but the tenderness she sees is breathtaking. She's seen Lee look at Ally like this before, when his daughter is sleeping and he thinks no one is watching. In that moment, Kara feels like the most important woman in the universe and she wonders how she could have gotten so lucky for Lee to choose her.

As if reading her mind, his hands cup her cheeks again, fingers idly pushing a few damp strands of hair off her face. Lowering his mouth to hers, he hovers for a moment, their breath mingling as their heart beats synch to one another. "I love you," he breathes again before capturing her mouth in a kiss.

Kara simply kisses him back for all she's worth, arms wrapped around his shoulders, legs wrapping around his hips. She keeps kissing him.

---- ----

Lee has to come up for air and when he does, he's greeted with Kara's flushed face. She's beautiful, Gods, how could any man resist her? Wondering how he himself managed for so long, Lee shakes the regret and melancholy away. Tonight is about their future – together.

Wanting to be as close to her as possible, Lee reluctantly pulls back and smiles softly at Kara before trailing his warm hands down her skin. She mewls softly as his hands run over her breasts, each nipple getting a bit of extra attention, before his fingers finally hook into the waistband of her panties. He wastes no time taking them off, discarding them over his shoulder with a smirk and a wink and causing Kara to giggle. His heart melts all over again.

As his eyes regard her body, he allows them to take in every inch of her – perfect calves that meet one perfect and one scarred knee. Lee caresses the injured knee gently, taking time to press his lips to the bruises there. He then follows the line of her body up her thighs, to her hips that she's always secretly loathed while he's secretly coveted. Kara had mentioned once her hips were too big and 'no amount of frakkin' running' would ever shrink them. Lee was always silently relieved she had never found an exercise to diminish such a wonderful gift.

Her stomach is a wonderland, soft, but tight and Lee trails his fingers over it slowly. She shivers in anticipation and Lee meets her eyes with another smirk. He wonders how long she'll let him get away with this casual inspection before she demands more. Lee decides he's going to milk her current submission for all its worth.

And in the next second his heart stops, his hands freeze, his blood runs cold. Forcing his hand to stay steady, he trails his fingers to her left hip, tracing the outline of first one scar and then the next. He feels Kara still beneath him and he doesn't dare look into her eyes.

Reverently, he leans forward and touches his lips to the higher scar, the bullet wound. He knows all about this one – it's the one she reported, the one Helo will talk about. Not like its southern sister, the one Kara won't acknowledge, the one Helo claims never to have noticed.

It's uglier than the small, round scar, longer and redder and not as well healed. Whoever stitched the wound had no idea how to minimize scarring. His lips hover over it and he sees the goose bumps rise around it as his breath warms it. He presses his mouth to it gently, but stops immediately as he feels a slight tug in his hair.

Glancing up to Kara, he meets her tortured gaze and immediately moves forward, covering her body with his. _I'll protect you_. That's what he wants to tell her, but knows she would never stand for it. He can only show her, in word and action.

Once his face is inches from hers, he catches the small shake of her head as she trails her fingers down his cheeks. Gently, she lowers his mouth to hers and kisses him, sweet and sensual and Lee sighs into her mouth as their bodies finally join.

---- ----

It's impossible to know how long they have lain together, wrapped tightly in each other's arms, still basking in the closeness of one another. Lee's hand gently runs down her arm and Kara wriggles to get closer to him, making sure her ear is resting right over his heart.

Her fingers make lazy circles on his chest and she delights in the feel of his skin, how warm he is. The sweat has cooled on their bodies and she shivers despite the heat Lee is providing. With a soft kiss to her forehead, he shifts slightly and gropes for the blanket they have hastily discarded to the floor. In a moment, he's flinging it over both of them, wrapping Kara back into a cocoon of warmth she'll be loath to leave.

Her body is still tingling from his touch, and the gentle run of his fingers on her skin grounds her. As they'd both fallen over the edge together, he'd whispered 'I love you' into her ear once more. Kara had returned the words, meaning every single one in a way she never has before. Even with Zak – what she feels for Lee, what she sees reflected in his eyes is overwhelming.

But good.

Kara tunes into the sound of his heart, the steady thump-thump. She continues to listen, knowing he hasn't fallen asleep because his breathing is too quick. She hears that as well, the steady in and out, the even rise and fall of his chest that matches her own.

They are alive and whole and together and Kara thanks the Gods …

… before she begins to speak.

---- ----

Lee is so glad Kara's a cuddler. He'd really hoped she would be and the few times they've shared a bunk, she's been more than willing to lie on top of him. But he's never been certain it wasn't a direct result of a lack of space.

But here, on Cloud Nine, in this more than big-enough-bed, Kara has stayed safely tucked into his side since they'd made love. And he's already vowed to do everything in his power to keep her there.

He adjusts the blanket over them, pressing another kiss to Kara's temple as she sighs softly against his skin. She splays her hand over his chest and he feels each point of contact, each finger tip, each finger all along to her palm. The warmth of her hand on his skin radiates through him and he pulls the arm he has around her shoulders just a bit tighter.

He feels the need to say something, to solidify this new step in their relationship. He doesn't want Kara to disappear again, not from his bed, not from his life, not at all. But Lee doesn't have a clue what to say and so he decides, for the first time, to stay silent. He hopes the right words will come to him. He hopes Kara will listen when they do.

"The first time I woke up, Simon was there."

Lee thinks for a second he's imagined it. But the small vibration he feels through his chest as Kara takes a deep breath and then continues lets him know that she really is talking. Silently grateful he kept his mouth shut, he listens intently, not moving.

"He told me he was a doctor, that I was in an abandoned hospital. I believed him." She pauses and Lee keeps up the steady rhythm of his hand trailing up and down her arm, maintains his breathing and prays he won't inadvertently do something to make her stop.

"He said I'd been shot and that Sam and the others had brought me in. He said Sam was dead.

"He kept knocking me out. Every time I woke up, he'd be by my side in minutes, pushing more drugs into my I.V. I was tired – and sore. Frak, it hurt like a bitch."

Kara's voice has not risen from her initial hushed tone the entire time. Lee wills his heart to beat softer so he can hear clearly.

"One day, he went on and on about how valuable I was because I had a fully working reproductive system." She snorts with derision and Lee doesn't mistake the shudder that runs through her body. "I told him to frakkin' drop it. I'm a Viper pilot, Gods dammmit, not some incubator." She clears her throat. "But he knew – he knew about my mother. Tried to tell me that just because she was an abusive bitch, didn't necessarily mean I was."

She stops again and the silence is long. Lee almost presses her to continue half a dozen times, but she's come this far with no encouragement. Granted, she won't look at him or even acknowledge he's in the room, but he's not going to frak this up. This is what he'd wanted after all.

"I got angry. I yelled. The next time I woke up I was strapped to the bed."

She noticeably trembles once more and Lee takes a risk. With barely a turn of his head, he presses his lips to her forehead, holding them there for a long minute until he feels her body release some of its tension. Resting his cheek against her hair, he waits again and she keeps going.

"After that, I just wanted to get the frak out of there. I tried to stay awake, but he just kept drugging me. I woke up a while later and there was another scar." One of her hands trails down Lee's torso, tracing the area of his hip where her scar is. "I didn't want to know what they'd done. Said it was internal bleeding, but I knew that was a lie.

"I finally managed to get him close enough, finally managed to get some of the morpha out of my system. I stabbed him, in the neck." Her voice is devoid of any emotion and Lee closes his eyes against the pain he knows she's hiding. "A broken piece of glass right through the jugular. Those frakkers can certainly bleed."

Kara takes a deep breath, burrowing a bit closer into his side in the process. "I ran into one of the Six models when I was trying to get out and I ducked into this room."

She swallows hard several times. Lee can feel it against his chest. He can only imagine what she'll admit next.

"I didn't know what I was seeing at first. There was a lot of equipment and medical beds … and women. Human women.

"They were hooked up to these machines, tubes sticking out of them like some monster. Sue-Shawn, one of the resistance members, she was in there. I wanted to get her out, but she told me not to do it. She …" Her voice falters and Lee is stunned when she rolls her face into his neck, breathing heavily. He squeezes her closer and uses every bit of will power he can conjure to stay quiet.

"She wanted to die, Lee. She knew what they were doing. The Cylons were trying to impregnate her, all of them, with hybrids. They were raping them, using tubes and machines to fertilize them. Using their wombs like some demented oven."

Kara swallows again and lets out a shuddering sigh that rocks her body. Lee moves his other arm around her, pressing her close to his chest as she shakes violently. She isn't crying, but it's obvious the stress of reliving her experience has taken its toll. Lee curses his damn curiosity; she was right, he should have left well enough alone.

More quiet descends on the room as Kara holds onto him for dear life and he embraces her right back. He doesn't know if there's more, doesn't care actually. He just wants her to forget, wants Kara to be all right.

He's beginning to wonder if that's even possible.

Kissing her forehead again, he realizes she's not calming down. He has to do something.

"It's okay, Kara." His voice is barely more than a whisper, but the way she clings to him lets him know he's been heard. "It's okay, you're safe. You got out in time."

She shakes her head before she can speak and Lee's heart stops in his chest. He refuses to ask what she means, refuses to even entertain the notion, but then the image of her, bleeding from her lower body, on the floor of the shower springs to mind and he can't dismiss her next claim.

"No, I didn't." Kara breathes in and out, trying to regain control, but it's useless and she eventually gives up. Pulling back slightly to meet his eyes, she closes her own almost immediately knowing that she can't stand to see the disgust that will flash through his when she finally admits the truth. "When you found me that day in the showers, I was having a miscarriage."

Dropping her forehead to his shoulder she breathes out, her entire body going rigid as she says, "I miscarried a Cylon Hybrid, Lee."

The anger and sadness Lee feels in that moment are incomprehensible. He wants to rage against every Cylon, skin job and Centurion alike. Kill each one, with his bare hands if possible, but if not, from the cockpit of his Viper will do just nicely. He feels the need to sprint from the room to the hangar deck, jump into his ship and start avenging Kara right this frakkin' minute.

But the protectiveness and love he feels for Kara keeps him rooted to the spot. His anger, his need for vengeance pales in comparison to what he feels for her. She is crying now, quiet tears once more and Lee almost wishes she would sob. He could whisper stupid things to her then, words meant to be comforting, but more than likely condescending as he tries to assure her everything will be all right, when there's no way that can be true. Now, in this silence of the room tainted with the heaviness of her confession, there are no words that can fill the quiet.

Before he can gather his thoughts enough to do something, she's pulling away and it takes a second for his arms to reaffirm their hold. "Let go, Lee." Her voice is hard to hear, but he can tell by the way she pushes at his shoulders she's trying to be free.

He's not going to let her go. Not now; she'll take his release as proof that he doesn't love her now that she's admitted this dark secret.

He's not letting go.

"No." He holds fast, wrapping her up tightly in his arms, pulling her into his chest. "I love you."

"I could have given birth to a half-breed." Her voice is pained and cracking and Lee rubs his cheek against hers, trying to get as close as possible. "The only child I'll ever have died months ago and I never even knew her."

She's releasing so many emotions, so many old hurts that Lee's not surprised as she jumps between experiences. He simply continues to hold her, biting back the empty words of encouragement he feels welling in his throat. Kara has completed his life in a fundamental way. He will not offer her platitudes in return.

"I love you."

It is the only thing he can think to say and so he just keeps repeating it, even as Kara continues to list off reasons he shouldn't. "I'll never have your child, Lee. Never give you a son … Ally will never have a sibling … The Cylons just keep winning …"

"I love you."

"I'm not good enough for you, Lee. You should be with someone else. Be with someone who isn't a complete screw-up."

"Hey." He pulls back slightly to meet her gaze, and wipes gently at her wet cheeks. Her hazel eyes are swirling like a storm and Lee cups her face in his hands, refusing to blink for a second. "I love _you_. I've loved you for a long time. That's not changing. Not ever, Kara."

He kisses her, warm, soft, inviting and it takes a second, but she does return the gesture. Lee buries his hands in her hair as her mouth opens beneath his and he slides his tongue along hers. Kissing her is always a thrill and he feels a rush of desire course over his skin. It sparks again as she moves her hands around to press into his back, caressing his shoulders as he tangles his legs with hers and rolls her over onto her back.

"I love you," he repeats between kisses, moving from her mouth to her cheeks to her eyelids up to her forehead and then back down again. He's more than ready to make love to her again, but Lee won't take another step until he knows Kara's with him. Until he's sure she's convinced that he loves her – all of her. "I love you."

She sighs once as his lips circle her pulse point on her neck, sucking softly at the already marked skin. The sound is soft, not exasperated, not defeated and Lee reluctantly pulls back so he can meet her eyes once again. They are clearer than before, bright brown and shining. As he studies her, she studies him, running her fingers along his jaw and over his nose, tracing each feature.

As her hands move along his shoulders and then settle over his heart, she blinks once and then finally looks at him. Lee sees it in that moment, sees the realization dawn and he fights back the urge to whoop like a school boy.

"I know."

She says it so simply, so easily that Lee can't believe it was ever different between them. In this moment, he can only remember loving Kara and he knows he will only remember loving her for the rest of his life.

She is the only woman he'll ever need to love.

"I love you," she tells him and then kisses him again and Lee knows she really, truly does.

---- ----


	11. Chapter 11

Live to Regret – Chapter 11

A/N: Once more, I'd just like to thank everyone for their generous and insightful reviews and comments. I really appreciate all of them. It's gratifying for a writer to know that readers are enjoying her work.

This is not my last Battlestar fic, although it might be for a while. I am currently working on a story that takes place AU Season 3. As a die-hard Lee/Kara 'shipper, I just have to mess with the timeline, because while Ron likes to make us and the characters suffer, I just can't always abide it.

Thanks again!

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"Mama! Daddy!"

Ally's delighted squeal greets them immediately and Kara drops to her knees to catch the blonde ball of joy that is currently rushing towards her. As Alyssa throws her small arms around Kara's neck, giving her cheek a wet, sloppy kiss, Kara feels the last piece of the puzzle that is her life click into place.

Her night with Lee had been amazing. It had given her the courage to confess her fears and the strength to know that the two of them could survive anything together. This morning hadn't been awkward as she had feared. She had woken in his arms, listening to the sound of his heartbeat and given him a kiss – as if they had been doing that every morning of their lives. Kara figures that's only right, because they will be doing it every morning from now on.

But it's Ally and the way that she completes Kara and Lee and their family that makes Kara feel full. She rises with the girl in her arms and turns towards Lee whose hand is at the small of her back, giving her warmth and courage and a dozen other things she didn't know she was missing.

He leans forward and kisses Alyssa's cheek before tickling her and getting a riotous giggle to echo through the room. "Hi munchkin, did you miss us?"

"Uh-huh." Her browns eyes are bright as they dance between Lee and Kara.

Kara catches sight of the Commander past Ally's shoulder and sees the happiness in his eyes as well. Deciding to tease him, she whispers in a loud voice, "Uh-oh, kiddo. I think you might have made your Pee-pah sad."

Ally's round brown eyes turn quizzical as she looks back to her grandfather. "Pee-pah?"

"Now, nugget, your mama's just teasing you." The Commander steps forward and kisses Ally's forehead, before placing a similar kiss to Kara's. "But we had fun, didn't we?"

"We saw Vipers."

"Oh, did you now?" Lee's curiosity is piqued and he studies his father with a look that is one part disapproval, four parts laughter. "I thought you and I agreed the flight deck wasn't the most appropriate place for a child."

Adama shuffles his weight from foot to foot, glancing to the deck and Kara has to bite her lip to keep from laughing. "Well, it's not, but she really wanted to see the planes and-"

"She used the lip, didn't she?" Kara knows, she's fallen prey to it as well.

His eyes are pained as he looks back at them both. "How do you resist her?"

Lee and Kara both laugh, causing Ally to join them. "With great difficulty," Lee confides, reaching for Ally. The girl protests as she's taken from Kara's arms, but Lee quiets her.

"Mama needs to talk with your Grandpa for a bit, okay? We're going to meet her back at our quarters."

Those big brown eyes regard her once again and Kara is fairly certain she'll never deny this child anything. "Po-miss?"

Kara kisses Ally on the nose and the cheek, before giving Lee a quick kiss on the lips. "Promise. I'll be back by dinner."

"'Kay." Ally snuggles into Lee and Kara guesses she'll be asleep before they're even halfway down the hall. They had timed their return for her nap time so that it would be easy to get her settled. "'Bye, Pee-pah. 'Bye mama."

"'Bye, baby." Kara blows her a kiss and shares another long, lingering look with Lee until the hatch has closed behind them and there's nothing more to see. Taking a deep breath and fortifying her courage, she turns to face the Commander, not surprised by his confused expression.

"Everything all right, Kara?"

"Getting there, sir." Forcing her nerves to steady themselves, she offers him a grin. "Do you have a few minutes for us to talk?"

"Always." He smiles at her, that easy smile that she's come to equate with fatherly affection and the sight almost chokes her. Will he still smile at her like that once she tells him the truth? Will he ever smile at her again? She wants to say he will, that like Lee he'll understand the difficulty and pain of her decisions and at least acknowledge that she did all she could.

Remembering Lee's warmth and Ally's smile, Kara takes the seat Adama offers and waits until he's sitting as well before starting.

"There's something I need to tell you, sir." He looks to her expectantly and again Kara feels fear choke her throat. She was crazy to think she could do this. There's no way he'll understand. But she and Lee have a chance for something whole and good and she's not about to screw that up – not after everything.

He must sense her hesitancy, because before she's aware of it, his rough, calloused hand is wrapped around one of hers and he's squeezing tight. "What is it, Kara?"

"When – " She clears her throat, forcing the words out. She doesn't bother with a lot of exposition. Once she says his name, the Commander will know. "When Zak died and you came to see me that day, there was something I never told you." She meets his blue eyes and finds compassion radiating from them. She says a silent prayer that he will not hate her in the next minute.

"That was a hard day for all of us." His voice is rough, lower than normal and Kara knows it's because he's holding back emotions.

"It was, but that's not an excuse. I want you to know that I understand that. I want you to know that no matter what my reasons were, I didn't have any right to do what I did."

The words are tumbling forth now and Kara almost wishes she could keep silent. Unable to sit still, she stands abruptly and paces away from him. She can't face him and say this. It's going to hurt both of them and the act of looking into his eyes and watching his heart break will surely break her as well.

"Zak and I were engaged, but … we were, well, I was pregnant too."

She's staring at the decking, taking the coward's way out by not looking at him. She hears the unmistakable sound of his heavy sigh and can hardly stand it. She wishes this was a secret she could have taken to her grave, but Lee needs her to tell him. Lee needs to not keep secrets from his father, needs that relationship to be strong. And Kara will do that for Lee – because he has done so much for her.

Deep down, Kara also knows it's the right thing to do. It's not something Starbuck is usually all that concerned with, but she's starting to see the validity in doing what's right instead of what's easy. Especially now that she has Ally's angelic face to answer to when she chooses the latter.

"You were carrying Zak's child?"

"Yes sir."

"What happened?"

Kara sighs and uses every bit of courage she can muster to meet his gaze. There are tears in his eyes and Kara feels her own burn uncomfortably. She guesses she's due for another crying jag after this, but she prays she can keep it at bay until she's alone. Of all people, the Commander would never use her show of emotion as a weakness, but Kara is still uncomfortable at the thought of losing it in front of him.

"I gave the baby away. She was adopted by a good family on Picon."

"And now?"

"She died in the attacks. I have no reason to believe otherwise." The words stick in Kara's throat, but she speaks through the pain. "I'm sorry."

She watches him closely as he holds his silence, trying to determine just what Adama's reaction is. He's a quiet and still, not too unlike the day she finally confessed her part in Zak's death and Kara fears the silence. His rage had been controlled, just barely under the surface, barely contained and Kara knows she'd escaped his office that day unharmed only because of his decency. It had taken her almost dying to get back in his good graces – had taken Adama and Lee crippling the fleet and disobeying the president for her to realize that she was forgiven.

What would it take now?

"You just gave her away?" Adama is incredulous, his voice low and steady and Kara knows he's masking his anger. "You gave away Zak's baby to strangers?"

Kara holds her tongue. There is nothing she can say.

She also knows he's right.

"How could you, Kara? How could you do that to this family? To Zak?" He's advancing on her, small, measured steps that bring him within inches of her. Kara can see his fists clenched at his sides and knows he's struggling not to wring her neck or slap her silly. She wouldn't fight him if he chose to do it.

"Caroline was a grandmother and she never knew. Lee was an uncle, I was a grandfather-" His voice cracks on the word and Kara risks a look to his face. He's eyes are unfocused and looking past her shoulder. Kara smartly stays silent. "Ally had a cousin and you kept that from us. You never even let us know her."

"Neither did I." Kara knows it's not the wisest course of action, but she has to say something, she has to justify her decision. She needs Adama to forgive her for this, as Lee has. She can't lose the only father she's ever known.

"I barely held her for more than a minute before they took her away. I let them take away the only piece of Zak I had left." An errant tear falls down her face and Kara wipes at it hurriedly, praying more won't follow.

"It was your choice, Kara." His words are accusatory, his tone hard and Kara flinches. "You chose to give her up. You chose to betray this family."

"I chose to survive." Kara's whispered words are thick with the emotion she's struggling to keep at bay. "I couldn't have raised that baby, I couldn't have looked in her eyes every day and seen Zak staring back at me. I could barely take care of myself back then. I did it for me and for her. She had such a better life without me in it."

"You don't know that, Kara. And now we'll never know."

"No, we won't. If you want me to give you answers, I can't."

"Well, that's too bad." His strong hands are wrapped around her shoulders in a heartbeat and Kara inhales sharply against the bruising touch. He hauls her towards him, bringing their faces almost nose to nose. "I want answers, Kara. I want to know why."

She swallows hard several times trying to fight past the tears and despair. He'll never forgive her. "I told you why."

"No, Kara. You gave me excuses. I want to know why." His eyes search hers for answers, but as his hold doesn't relent, she knows he's dissatisfied with what he finds. "You could have come to me. Caroline and I would have helped you."

"Yeah, right." She scoffs at him, using her bravado as a shield – it's worked so many times in the past. "You would have helped me, the girl from the wrong side of the tracks who let your son get into a Viper? The poor girl with no family, no name, no contacts, who had an elicit affair with your baby boy? How naïve do you think I am?"

Adama doesn't release her despite the way his lip turns into a sneer. Kara tenses, ready for the punch, whether physical or verbal she doesn't know and she doesn't care. Both have the ability to injure her.

After an interminable minute, his hands let go and Kara stumbles back a few steps. She rubs at her arms, knowing they'll bruise, but if made him feel better, she won't complain.

"How naïve do you think I am?" He paces away from her, his gait agitated as he tries to get some kind of control over his emotions. "And what about Lee and Ally? Are you just playing them too, Kara? Are you going to walk out on them when you decided you've had enough?"

"Leave them out of this." She won't let him use Lee or Alyssa as a weapon. Neither of them deserve that.

"They're my family, Kara. I have to protect them."

"From me?"

She sees the answer on his lips and shuts her eyes against the harshness of it. "Yes."

Kara wills her heart to slow down, wills her thoughts to order themselves so she can say something and retain a modicum of dignity before she gets the frak out of there. "I love Lee and I love Alyssa. I would _never_ hurt them."

"You loved Zak, too."

Kara feels her stomach drop out. Taking another step and then another back towards the door, she knows this was a mistake. The Commander will not forgive her for this, and she can't blame him. But she can't listen to it anymore either.

She's out in the hall and running before he has time to say anything else.

---- ----

"Adama."

"_Dad, where's Kara?"_

"She's not at home?"

Lee sighs and Adama wishes he felt more remorse.

"_When did she leave?"_

"About an hour ago."

"_Frak."_

Adama waits; he knows Lee will have more to say, probably a lot more once he actually finds Kara.

"_What did you say to her?"_

"That's between Kara and I."

"_No, Dad, it's between you and Kara and me. I love her and we're going to be together now. So, what did you say?"_

"What did you expect me to say, Lee?"

"_I don't have time to fence with you. Once I find Kara, expect a visit."_

The line goes dead and Adama sighs heavily before returning the phone to its cradle. Why can't his family get a break?

---- ----

"Hot Dog, have you seen Starbuck?"

The younger pilot gives his CAG a look that is both amused and worried. Without a word, he gestures towards Kara's Viper and Lee quickens his step.

Praying he has the strength to undo the damage his father has obviously wrought, Lee stands above her for a moment before announcing his presence.

"Hey."

"Go away, Lee."

Her voice is rough and Lee knows she's been crying. Crouching on his knees, he places a hand against her calf, squeezing gently. "Kara, please, come out."

He hears Kara breathe deep and waits a minute before he sees movement. She pulls herself out into the open and Lee offers her his hand. She takes it, and as he helps her to her feet, he spots her upper arms. He starts to see red.

"Kara, what happened?"

She shrugs him off, reaching for her jacket and covering the bruises. "It's nothing, Lee."

"My father did that?"

"Lee. It's. Nothing."

Lee stores his anger, knowing that no matter how much he wants to take out retribution on his father, Kara needs him now.

"I got worried when you didn't come home."

She shrugs, reaching for a rag and wiping her hands. She's doing everything she can to avoid his eyes and his touch. Even as Lee reaches for her again, she circumvents him, heading for the far side of the bay and the Pilot's Ready Room. With a sigh, Lee follows her.

---- ----

Kara has been buried under her bird for over an hour trying to figure out how to end things with Lee. She briefly considered writing a letter and dropping it on the windshield of his plane, but even Kara isn't that heartless.

She hears the hatch close and knows that Lee has entered the room. After giving him another minute to stew, she turns to face him, keeping her face as expressionless as possible. If he knows she's hurting he'll do something stupid … Like try to fix it.

"We can't be together, Lee." The words physically hurt her, but she stands tall, using her Starbuck bravura for back-up. "It's not going to work."

"Bullshit."

He's across the room and holding her in the span of seconds and Kara curses her slow reactions. She's been walking in a fog since her showdown with the Old Man. Everything is hazy, including the room, her body, even Lee's touch. It all feels surreal.

"Whatever my father said, I don't give a frak. He was out of line."

"No, Lee, he wasn't. And that's the problem." Kara gently, but firmly removes his hands from her waist and takes a step back, she has to put space between them again. "I won't come between you and your father again."

"You haven't come between us before." He's not losing her. It isn't an option and Kara can see the look of determination in his eyes. "I was angry at my father for Zak's death for a whole host of reasons that had nothing to do with you, Kara."

"If I had told the truth from the beginning you wouldn't have needed to be angry with him in the first place!"

Kara hurtles the rag she's still holding across the room and it falls with a dissatisfying thump against the pilot's board. Stalking away from him, she wills back more tears. Gods, hasn't she done enough crying?

"My father probably said some harsh things, but he was just surprised, Kara. You know he'll come around."

"No, I don't, Lee." If Kara can make him see how hopeless it is, maybe he'll walk away. "And neither do you."

"I am not giving you up."

He's going to make this hard on her, of course. Why wouldn't he? Kara sighs heavily, leaning against the podium. "Lee, your father may have been wrong to say what he said, but his logic was sound."

"About what?"

"He says that I betrayed your family. That I took away your mother's chance to be a grandmother, your chance to be an uncle. Ally's chance to have a cousin." She regards him with large, hazel eyes, shining with too much moisture. "He's not wrong."

"He's not right either, Kara. He's just hurt and angry and-"

"And maybe you should let me speak for myself."

They both jump to attention out of habit as Adama enters the room. Closing the hatch, he faces his children, seeing the pain written all over Kara's face and the betrayal written across Lee's.

"If you're here to attack Kara you can get out." Lee has taken up a defensive position between her and his father and Bill admires the loyalty and protectiveness inherent in his son. He likes to think he taught him that, but Bill knows Lee's desire to protect the women in his life stems from past experience, not fatherly example. "You've done enough."

"Lee."

"No, Kara. He's not going to do this." Lee advances on his father, his lips flattened into a thin line that the older Adama equates with determination. "I love Kara and Kara loves me. We're together now, and the three of us, me, Kara and Ally, are going to be a family." He studies his father intently for a moment and then speaks, his voice even lower than before. "And what you do in the next few minutes will decide if you're a part of that family as well."

"Lee, stop." Kara inserts herself between the two men, placing a hand on Lee's chest and pushing him back a step. "Don't do that. Don't use Ally as a bargaining chip. The Old Man is her grandfather and he deserves to know her, spend time with her."

Bill can see the war raging in Lee's gaze, knowing Kara's right, and highly disliking it. He has to admit Kara's heartfelt defense of his place in Ally's life is unexpected. He didn't think that Starbuck of all people would be the one to counsel them on family values.

"Kara."

Lee's soft voice draws the attention of them both and Adama watches as his son's face regards Kara with such tenderness he's almost embarrassed to be witness to it. He's never seen Lee like this before – with anyone. Bill wonders if making a stand over Kara's past mistake is really how he wants to sever his relationship with the only family he has left.

With a steady hand, Lee cups Kara's cheek and Bill is grateful he cannot see Kara's face. Watching Kara struggle to be strong while she fights her feelings for Lee might break him.

"_This_ doesn't matter. It doesn't change us."

"Yes, it does, Lee." With a heavy sigh, she turns to meet the Old Man's eyes and Bill inhales sharply. He was right – the look on her face almost brings him to his knees. "He's your father." Kara's hazel eyes never waver from his and Adama forces himself to hold her gaze. "Your father and Ally's grandfather. Think about our world, Lee – we can't just pretend family connections aren't important. We both know they are."

Lee's face crumbles and Bill finally looks away. Is it worth it? Is his righteousness and anger over a situation he could never have controlled or changed really worth this?

He never gets an answer.

---- ----

The sound of the hatch swinging open jolts them all, and Cally is confronted with three varying expressions of confusion as she stands uncertainly in the doorway, a whimpering Ally on her hip.

Lee finds his voice first. "Cally, what's wrong?"

Releasing a sigh, Cally moves towards him, even as Ally's arms reach for Kara. "Mama," she calls weakly, her cheeks tear-stained, her eyes heavy with what is probably sleep.

Kara takes her automatically barely listening as Cally explains that Ally woke from her nap and became hysterical when she didn't see Lee or Kara. The minute Ally is in her embrace, Kara feels her heart rate slow, feels the tension in her muscles dissipate, feels a form of peace wash over her. Alyssa, still crying softly, buries her face into Kara's neck, her small tears wetting Kara's skin. She rubs her back soothingly, walking away from the adults to find a quiet corner of the ready room.

"What's the matter, baby?" Kara's lips whisper against Ally's hair, and she presses a few gentle kisses to her forehead. "Everything's okay. You're okay."

"Mama?"

Kara meets Ally's brown-eyed gaze and feels her heart catch in her throat for a second. This little girl may not be related to her by blood, but the connection Kara feels to her is strong, unwavering. She would die before she would ever hurt this child. Meeting Lee's gaze across the room, she amends the statement – before she ever hurt Ally or her father.

"Yes, sweetheart?"

"Why you no po-miss?"

Kara tries to puzzle out what she means, working hard to decipher two-year-old language. Realization dawning, she sits on the nearest seat and positions Ally on her lap. The little girl burrows in closer to Kara's side, wide, trusting eyes still studying her intently. "What do you mean, baby?"

"I no nap. No mama, no daddy."

At her words, Lee approaches them, sitting beside Kara and resting a hand on Ally's hair. Her eyes flicker to her father for a moment, before again returning to Kara. "I'm sorry I wasn't there when you woke up, Als. I know I made a promise and I broke it. That wasn't nice."

Ally shakes her head in agreement and then looks forlornly to her father. This prompts Lee to speak. "Were you scared, sweetie?"

She nods reluctantly, burying her head in Kara's shoulder and making it difficult for them to make out her next words. "Mama, daddy left. No want mama, daddy to go."

Kara isn't sure how often her heart can break. She had thought after the first three dozen times, the Gods might show mercy. Apparently not, because the moment Ally's words finally make sense she feels her heart break once more.

Readjusting her hold on the little girl, Kara wills her voice to stay steady. She knows now that regardless of what the Old Man thinks of her, she won't be leaving this little one – ever.

"Ally, I want you to listen to me, okay?" The blonde head of curls bobs once and Kara clears her throat to continue. "I am not going anywhere. Do you understand?" Lee's hand travels to Kara's and squeezes tight at her words. Risking a look to him, she smiles weakly as he smiles back, knowing that she's just reaffirmed her love for him as well as his daughter. She looks back to Ally. "Do you understand, baby? I love you and I love your daddy. I'm not going anywhere."

"And neither am I." Lee's voice is steady and the warmth of his hand on hers suffuses her whole being. "We're a family, Alyssa. And family's don't leave."

"No, they don't."

Adama's gravelly voice penetrates their little bubble and Kara and Lee regard him warily as he approaches them. Cally has already left, knowing she was intruding. The Old Man had simply been watching the scene before him unfold.

"We're all a family, Ally."

"Pee-pah." She smiles at him and Adama's expression softens even further. He leans forward to press a kiss to her forehead and then pulls back, meeting Kara's unwavering gaze.

"Family's very important." He reaches over Ally to press a kiss to Kara's forehead, letting his lips linger for a moment. "I'm a foolish old man," he tells her quietly, his eyes moving to Lee and then back again. "The three of you are my family, now and always."

Unwilling to break this moment of peace and understanding, the Adamas simply keep their silence and enjoy the company of one another for just a bit longer.

---- ----


	12. Epilogue

Live to Regret – Epilogue

A/N: All right, this story has come to a close. I hope everyone's happy with the resolution. Here's hoping I get some time soon to write my other Lee/Kara stories!

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6 Months Later

---- ----

"Are you ready for this?"

Kara turns to Lee with a wan smile. "Honestly?" He nods. "I'm not sure."

Moving forward, his arms encircle her waist and Kara hates how much she loves his touch. Lee Adama has turned her into such a frakkin' romantic.

"Would it help if I told you _I'm_ sure?"

His expression is so steadfast that Kara has to smile. Cupping his cheek in her hand, she presses a kiss to his lips. Pulling away, she teases, "Not really, because you're _always_ sure."

He rolls his eyes and kisses the tip of her nose before moving back across their quarters to put on his dress jacket.

"Well, that doesn't change the fact that I know this is the right thing."

Kara watches him disappear into the bathroom before turning back to the mirror. Smoothing her hand along her dress blues, she wonders why she should feel nervous now. For all intents and purposes, today is a formality. Nothing will change. Well, nothing that hasn't already changed in the last six months.

Nothing that hasn't changed since the day she and Lee decided being apart wasn't noble or disciplined or for the good of the fleet. The day they realized that regardless of how scared they were they wanted to be together.

Kara has loved Lee Adama for years and despite how infuriating she can sometimes find him, she's also amazed at how completely they work. Kara has realized, gratefully, that once she gave in to her feelings for Lee a lot of the tension and unease in their relationship dissipated.

They still fight of course – they're Starbuck and Apollo – but they don't go for the "kill" anymore. The goal of arguing is no longer to reduce the other to a pile of rubble, but rather to simply release some tension and settle a disagreement.

Amazingly, Kara finds the change not at all boring.

And she loves Alyssa – it's no secret to anyone on board Galactica. Even Sam, having only been rescued from Caprica a few short weeks ago has seen how much Kara cares for the little girl.

She had been hesitant to see him again, worried that her new relationship with Lee wouldn't be able to handle the strain of an old flame. But as soon as Kara saw Sam again, stepping off the Raptor strong and healthy, she knew whatever she had with him had been a one-time thing. What she has now with Lee and Alyssa is permanent, strong. Kara has never felt more settled.

"Stop it."

She starts slightly at the sound of Lee's voice and turns, her brows furrowed with confusion. She hadn't been doing anything.

With a frown, Lee crosses his arms over his chest and regards her. "You're waiting for the other shoe to drop." As Kara's eyebrows shoot up, his frown turns to a teasing smile and he repeats, "Stop it."

"That obvious, huh?" With a sigh, Kara crosses the room and drops down on a corner of the bed.

"Only to me."

Lee joins her, reaching for her hand and squeezing it. "I know you, Kara. And I know that a really big part of you is looking for the nearest exit."

She opens her mouth to protest, apology in her eyes, but Lee stops the words with a soft finger pressed to her lips. "Because no matter what me or anyone else says, you still think that what we have is something you don't deserve."

Kara can't disagree with that – truer words have never been spoken. "I'm sorry," she breathes, pulling her hand back and rising. Lee's naked understanding of her greatest fear has left her a bit raw. She needs the space.

After a prolonged silence, she finds the courage to speak again. "You're right, I don't think I deserve this, deserve you." She approaches him again and sits in his lap, loving the way his arms automatically encircle her waist. "But you do and so does Ally and if you think I'm enough for you both then it's my duty to love you so much you never have a reason to doubt me."

His fingers begin rubbing a circular pattern on the small of her back and Kara's eyes flutter shut. She never thought she'd feel this safe.

"The only person whoever doubts you, Kara, is you. I've already promised to love you for the rest of my life. That's not going to change."

"What if I frak it up, Lee?" Her voice is soft, but the feel of his arms tightening let's her know she's been heard. "I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you or Ally."

"Have faith, Kara."

He's right and Kara finds it ironic that her agnostic boyfriend is counseling her on faith.

"I thought that was my line," she teases gently, moving her hand up and over his shoulder until her fingers are tracing his jaw.

Lee's eyes close at the feather light touch and he kisses her forehead again before meeting her eyes. "Consider it a friendly reminder."

She smiles back at him and then leans forward. Pressing her lips to his, Kara's hand wraps around his neck, keeping him close as her tongue probes his mouth, deepening the kiss. It feels so good – Lee's touch, Lee's kiss – and Kara still can't believe that she has this; has Lee and his love. It's so good. So much more than she ever dreamed of.

With a soft sigh, Lee slides his hand into her hair and tangles his tongue more forcefully with hers. She feels him stir against her hip and knows that regardless of how good it feels, they don't have time to continue this.

As if on cue, a loud thud followed by Ally's cry carries to them. "Mama!"

Kara is off Lee's lap in a second, her concern skyrocketing due to pained tone in her daughter's voice. Hearing the sound of crying as she enters the living room, Kara finds Ally on the floor, a skinned knee evident.

"What happened, nugget?" Kara keeps her voice calm even though her heart is hammering.

With a few big hiccups, Ally glares at the bench beside her. "I fell off bench."

"Oh." Kara never thought she'd be a coo-er, but she is. As she swoops down and lifts Ally into her arms, the girl immediately rubs her tear-stained face against Kara's shoulder. "Well, that bench isn't very nice, is it?"

"Bad bench," Ally says petulantly, sticking her tongue at it for good measure.

"Exactly, bad bench."

Kara moves her back to their room and finds Lee emerging with the first aid kit. As Kara sets Ally on the bed, Lee circles to the other side and offers her a tissue. "Here you go, sweetie. Blow."

Ally obeys as Kara works on her knee. It's a little scrape, but she attends to it carefully. She's gotten a lot of practice over the past months – it seems the daughter of Starbuck and Apollo is prone to scrapes, cuts and bruises. Kara's not surprised. Affixing the band-aid, she places a kiss over it and then kisses Ally's cheek. "There you go. All better."

Shaking her head, Ally tilts her bandaged knee towards Lee. "Need Daddy medicine."

Dutifully, Lee kisses the bandage and her cheek and Ally grins as he takes a second to tickle her side.

"Now I better."

Kara finds herself staring at her little girl for another moment before her eyes travel to Lee. With shining eyes, she tells him firmly, "Okay. I'm sure."

His brilliant smile almost blinds her. Picking Alyssa up, he circles the bed and offers her his hand. "You ready to become a mom?" His eyes are twinkling and the butterflies in Kara's stomach are no longer from nerves. "Officially?"

"Yay, mama!" Ally claps and reaches out for Kara too.

She doesn't hesitate another second. "I'm ready."

---- ----


End file.
